Muted // Felix-centric

Chapter 18

They may not be able to replace his mother or Jinyoung, but they don't have to. Because they are so much more than just friends. Felix can't really explain the feeling, but it feels good. The boy has never felt this kind of love before, but he knows he never wants to lose it. But like Chan said, everything in their group is based on trust and Felix sees that. Trust is important. They showed Felix that he could trust them and he did, now it's his turn. Now he has to show them that they can trust him.

Felix looks in the mirror one last time before walking out the door and into the living room, where the others have already snuggled up together.
Felix stands in front of them and looks at them with a serious look that screams more of fear and panic. The other seven boys immediately look at Felix and give him a worried and confused look.
"Felix? Is everything okay?" Hyunjin asks, sitting up straight. Felix looks around in panic. He is about to burst into tears and escape to one of the nearest rooms, but he remains strong. He doesn't just do this for them, but also for himself. He doesn't want to be alone anymore. He no longer wants to bear the pain alone.

'We need to talk!', Felix types on his cell phone and sends it to the group with all the boys. The boys hear the notification and read the message. Then they look at Felix, who is still looking at them seriously (panicked).
"Okay, then let's... talk. What's it about?" asks Chan, pointing to a chair for Felix. The boy sits down with shaking legs and takes a deep breath before he starts typing without even looking at the boys.
'It's about me... please don't interrupt me and just let me finish explaining. You don't have to say anything right away, but I trust you and would like to finally say something.
The reason why I rejected Jisung's friendship request at first was because I once had a best friend, but he betrayed me and then he took his own life because of me.'

'I loved him like a brother and never understood why he left me. One day we were sitting in his garden together watching the stars and the next he wouldn't even look at me. He acted like we were strangers and everyone around gave me a disgusted look as if I had done something. Then one day he texted me telling me to come to the roof of the school. He said we have to talk. Of course I immediately ran there, but when I got to the top he was already standing on the wall with his back to me. I wanted to scream for him, but he screamed instead. He screamed... 'It's all my fault' and then jumped down. I never understood what he meant until two days after his death, when his mother came to see me. She said that her son's death was my fault because I confused him. I was the reason why he could no longer live with himself and therefore jumped to his death.'

'I never blamed myself, but little by little the gaps filled. Jinyoung left me because he hated me. He found out I was gay and hated me because of it. He hated having a friend who was gay and that's why he killed himself. I killed Jinyoung.'

As the boys read paragraph after paragraph, Felix was tense. He didn't want to see the boys' reaction, so he buried his face in his hands, but when he heard a quiet sob, he looked at them.
Jeongin and Jisung were crying while Hyunjin and Minho had tears in their eyes.
Minho stood up and went to Felix. He kneeled down to Felix and took the boy's hands in his.
"Felix... you are so incredibly strong. And believe me when I tell you that it wasn't your fault. It didn't sound like Jinyoung hated you because of your sexuality. You were young... he was young. ..at that age you can have problems that not even an adult has. He had something he was struggling with and instead of opening up like you just did, he closed himself down and bottled up the pain until he couldn't take it anymore and saw the only way out... death. But I promise you that you weren't to blame for his death."

"I don't know the boy, but I knew people who were just like him. They were all quietly looking for help, but no one heard them. But we hear you, Lixie. We are here for you and we are so incredibly proud of you. And we will always listen to you, little one," Chan promised him and now Felix's tears started to stream down his face. Jisung immediately got up and ran into the boy's chair and threw his arms around Felix. Minho had to hold on to the chair so that they didn't fall to the floor along with the chair. But no one wanted to stop Jisung from giving the boy a well-deserved hug.
Felix sobbed into his new friend's neck, so grateful to all of them for their understanding and encouraging words. Even if he doesn't believe them yet and still feels anxious and guilty, he believes that he is no longer alone and that is all he needs right now.

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I don't know what's happening.
Yesterday I told you that I won't be able to update, but right know I can't stop to write.
I am a bit acred though, that I will soon end up in a writers block... it's always like that...

Anyways, hope you like it!

~chichi