Muted // Felix-centric

Chapter 19

Hey guys!

I miss you guys.
I miss your comments and I miss spoiling you with new chapters.
But I also have to take it slow.

But I am just to excited, so here you go!

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Three days have passed...

And nothing has changed.

He thought he would be happier...

He thought he would feel lighter...

But instead, feelings of guilt now gnaw at him.

Shouldn't he have told them?

What's wrong with opening up to them?

Maybe Felix wasn't ready yet. Maybe they weren't ready for the truth yet.

Maybe he just wasn't destined to finally be happy.

Or maybe he should always suffer, no matter how much he may share his suffering.

Felix just shouldn't be happy.
Felix thought he had come to terms with the idea long ago, but it still bothers him like it did on the first day. The pain will never go away. Felix knew this, so why does it still hurt so much? Why didn't he just want to let go? Felix knows that he will never get over Jinyoung's death and he also knows that he will always be at fault for his death. He had come to terms with it a long time ago, but why did it feel so wrong now? The boys don’t even know Jinyoung. They don't know what kind of person he was... what an incredibly good person he was.
They don't know the loss of the world. Nothing will change for them except their image of Felix.
They got to know him as an innocent, shy, mute boy who hid behind his long hair and black mask due to scars and bruises. But now they will see a murderer standing before them.

How can Felix expect that they will trust him and continue to show their love and affection.
The thought of losing the boys breaks his heart. He thought he had finally found something like a family again, but now he has ruined everything again. And that's just because he can't just keep his mouth shut... and he wasn't even using his mouth. For this very reason, Felix has decided never to say anything again. For fear of revealing the secrets and losing close friends in the process. That's how he lost Wooyoung... he thought he could at least talk to Wooyoung, but after that he only saw Felix as a murderer and liar. A desperate boy who craves attention but ends up just being a murderer. And now the others will see him that way too.

Minho hasn't even visited him in his room for the past three days. Chan stopped by just to ask, half-interested, how Felix was doing and then disappeared again before he could even give a proper answer. Jisung, Seungmin and Hyunjin were too busy to show up according to Jeongin. Changbin never really visited him before either, so at least nothing changed there. And Jeongin? He came to visit him at least once a day and told him something about his day and how the others were doing or what they were doing. But Jeongin never asked about Felix and he always kept his distance. He never went near him or looked him directly in his eyes. Felix felt like a disease that could become a pandemic at any time if you even looked at it the wrong way.

But that's how the boy felt too. Felix felt sick. He felt sick...really sick. At least three times a day he had to leave his bed to throw up in the bathroom. His head was hot all over and he was always cold. His hands and legs were constantly shaking and he could hardly breathe. Of course, he never told the truth when Chan checked on him. But what difference would it have made if he had told the truth? After all, they don't care about Felix anymore.