Muted // Felix-centric

Chapter 14

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Only three hours have passed, but for Felix it feels like it has already been three days. The pain not only affects Felix's whole body, but also his perception. So many things are happening around him at the same time, but for him it just feels like everything is covered by a curtain of pain. He can no longer see, smell or even feel anything except his own pain.
It is as if he is trapped in a black and white movie.
Nothing feels real and yet the pain is almost killing him.
The sound in his ears reminds him of the sound of the Australian sea, where he and his parents used to go on vacation.
His limbs feel numb and he can't feel the touch of the others that he was able to perceive at first.
The only thing he has left in this hopeless situation is pain and for the first time in his life he wishes the pain would stop.

It doesn't feel like he's cutting his thighs open with a razor blade, or like he can feel his father's fists hitting his ribs, or like shards of glass are slowly cutting into his skin, or like a part of his soul is being ripped out of his chest, like it felt when he lost his mother and his best friend.
Every pain, every cut and every wound that Felix has inflicted on himself or that has been inflicted on him is nothing compared to this pain.
Felix has always inflicted pain on himself, in addition to his father's everyday injuries, because he wanted control back. If he was going to suffer or be punished for something, deserved or undeserved, he at least wanted to do it to himself. He just wanted some control back in his life after having every decision taken away from him.

Be it the death of his mother...

The death of his best friend...

The loss of his virginity...

His credibility...

His look...

Simply everything.

Only one thing remained him and that to this day. His voice... No one wanted to hear or took it seriously, so he decided to silence himself. That was his first and only really important decision in his life.
It didn't make his life any easier, but it gave him control. It was the only thing that his mother, his friend, his father or his classmates didn't take away from him. He made this decision himself and it was by far the most harmless thing he did to himself. Although there was no less suffering and pain afterwards, he was proud of himself. He was proud not to have lost control, but not to have said a single word to this day.
Felix is proud of himself...

But why does it hurt so much now?
He would like to scream and curse, but his mouth remains shut. His lips are sealed and his teeth are glued shut. Even if he wanted to speak again, he doesn't think he would be able to. The years of disuse of his voice is probably like a car that has been sitting in a dark and wet garage for years and has started to collect rust and dust. The engine would probably no longer start, the headlights would only flicker one last time and the frame would collapse. It would probably be the same with his voice. Not a sound... Not a word and certainly not a sentence.
The pain gets worse and worse and his heartbeat gets faster and faster. He can barely breathe without wanting to tear a limp off.

'So this is my destiny? So this is my life from now on? Pain? Sorrow? Tears? Fear?'

Felix sinks into his thoughts. He tries to distance himself from his situation. Is that healthy? No, not at all, but it's easy. The pain goes numb and his eyes get heavier. Felix has saved his life like this before... or so he thought.
But actually, that was the first time he died...
Felix was dead, even if only for a few hours. He was dead and he loved the feeling. He was so free... So light and carefree. And since then, Felix never really wanted to live again. Why couldn't he just stay dead? He wasn't even granted a wish like death. Everyone around him was allowed to die, but not him. Felix had to continue to suffer.

'I just wish I could go to sleep and not wake up forever. I don't want to deal with life anymore.'

The words were so small and insignificant to him. If he had said that to anyone before, they would have laughed at him and told him not to be a 'pick me'. They all just laughed. They laughed and laughed. They mocked him and ridiculed his words. They made his panic attacks the laughing stock of the week. They threw eggs and flour at him on the annual day his mother died and shouted after him "Now you can bake a cake for your mommy!". They all did it. No one was sorry or ever apologized to him when it finally turned out that Felix wasn't lying about his mother's suicide. Why did anyone even think that?
No one apologized to him when the rumors about him and Jinyoung turned out to be lies. No one even had the decency to look Felix in the face and apologize for the years of bullying. But they left him alone... That should be enough for him, shouldn't it?

Felix is and remains as the freak.
The freak who lost his mother when he was seven.
The freak who is the reason for the death of his best friend.
The freak who has a bastard for a father.
The freak who decided to remain silent forever of his own free will.
The freak who always wears a mask.
The freak who had his first time at the age of 12.
The freak who stabs himself with a knife.
The freak who is a murderer.
He is a murderer.
He didn't just let his mother die and pushed his best friend to death, but he also killed himself.
Nothing of the Felix he once was is still alive. He died on the same day that his voice died.

Felix writhed in pain. Everything hurt him so badly, but he wasn't the only one in pain. Felix didn't know it, but Jisung was lying in the room next to him and couldn't move any more than Felix could. Why was that? No one really knew. Chan and Minho only knew that if one of their mates got injured, they could feel the pain too. Not as intense as the injured one, but they feel an unpleasant tingling sensation where their mate has been injured. That is because this way the other mates know that one of their mates is injured and they have to find him as quickly as possible. But here only Jisung feels Felix's pain, and not just as a tingling sensation, but exactly the same as Felix with the same intensity.
How can this be possible?

No one had an answer to the question, but they didn't have time to worry about it either. They've just got a new Omega who keeps fainting from the pain and a mate who is strong but is reliving the same thing he went through two years ago.
"I thought I'd be spared this pain forever," jokes Jisung as he sits up to eat the soup Minho has brought him. "Eat, it should at least ease the pain a little," says Minho, giving Jisung a sad look. It doesn't feel good as the Pack Omega to see his babies suffer like this. "How's Felix doing?" asks Jisung after he's eaten half the shot.
"He's unconscious most of the time," Minho says in a low voice, silencing Jisung immediately. It's not good at all to pass out from pain. It just means that the body is too weak and if Felix is too weak for his change, then-

"Don't think too much about it. Felix is not alone. He has us," Minho promises the omega. Jisung smiles gratefully at his hyung, having just saved Jisung from a full panic attack. It reassures him to know that Felix is not alone, but has the others and himself by his side, even if Jisung can't exactly sit next to Felix.
"Do you think I could sit with him for a while?" Jisung asks quietly. He knows he shouldn't sit with Felix. Simply because he is in pain himself and because Felix needs to rest, but Jisung needs to see the boy. "I don't know if that's such a good idea, Sungie," Minho replies, holding his hand to Jisung's cheek. "Please hyung, just for a few minutes. I need to see him," Jisung begs the older one and after a few seconds of puppy eyes and pouting, Minho nods in agreement.
"Okay, but you need to lie down. I don't want you standing or sitting for too long. I'll call Changbin. I'll tell him to take you to Felix," Minho says and then disappears from the room.

Jisung is very grateful to his hyung. He really needs to see Felix. He doesn't know where this desire for the younger boy comes from, but he had it the first time he made eye contact with Felix. From the first day he saw Felix, he knew he belonged with them. Jisung just called it good people skills. He didn't think he was acting out of pity for the boy after hearing Wooyoung's story about Felix. He really wanted to have Felix as a friend, if not more. He just had to get to know Felix better. And when he was finally around the boy, he really felt complete. It just felt right.

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I think I won't stay loyal to my plan (updating only on Friday), so I'm just going to drop another chapter as I like.

I am sorry for all the pain I project on Felix, but I want a big character devolpement, haha.

Hope you enjoyed this chapter. If you have any wishes or ideas I should add, let me know in the comments!

~chichi