Muted // Felix-centric

Chapter 3

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"Mum, when I grow up, I'll be a model!" says the little boy to his mother, who is putting his shoes on. "Oh yes, and why is that?" the loving mother asks her son and picks him up her arm as she finished putting the last shoe on him. "So I can show the whole world what a beauty my mom brought into the world. The whole world should know what a princess my mom is," the little boy says to his mother with the widest smile in the world, which can even blind you with sunglasses. The mother is astonished at her son's words, but also very touched. "Thank you, my darling. You're the best son a mother could ever wish for," says the mother, placing a big kiss on her son's cheek. "And you're the best mom in the world," says the little boy, also giving her a kiss "And what about me?" asks the father, who has just come to them from the office and takes his wife in his arms and gives his son a kiss on the forehead. "You are the best dad in the world," says the little boy and gives his father the same charming smile. "And you are the best family anyone could wish for," says the father and hugs his family tightly.

꧁POV CHANGE꧂

I burst into tears and can't believe what I just read. My sister is gone... My father is gone...
My 'stepmother' is the reason why... and now I'm alone... all alone.
I'm not even mad that my father left me alone. After all, I'm free of him now, but my sister...
'She's still young and won't remember much about you when she gets older.'
Those were my father's words. He will make sure that Olivia, the only person who was important to me, will forget me and that I never existed for her. How can someone be so cruel? How can my own father reject me like that for a woman who left him four years ago because she wasn't ready to raise a child. This horrible woman just left a newborn in my fathers care and left him, even though he proposed to her. She said, she wasn't ready yet to raise a child on her own and wanted to enjoy her freedom a bit longer and now... she just takes an already raised, well behaved little girl and my father as if they were her belongings.

And me... I'm all alone in this big house that's filled with memories.
With bad ones, but also with good ones.
With painful ones, but also with happy ones.
I don't know what to make of myself now. I only had Olivia in my life, but now I have no one. It feels like I'm empty. As if everything in me had fled with my father and Olivia and only the empty shell of my body remained.
I stare into the nothingness and let old memories pass across my blind eye...
How at first I hated Olivia because she was another woman, but then I only had eyes for her.
How I was beaten up every day by my father just because he drank too much and needed to take his frustration out on someone.
How I stood in front of the mirror for hours every day and beat myself up just because I was too fat and ugly for the world.
How I laid awake for nights because I couldn't get any sleep because of my father.

There are many experiences that have plagued me and there are many decisions in my life that I have regretted. But I will never regret letting my sister into my heart... at least that's what I thought for a long time. Every time I open up to someone, be it my mother, my father, my best friend or my sister... they all abandoned me or hurt me. There has never been anyone in my life who hasn't hurt me emotionally and physically as much as the people I cared about.
I know it's not Oliva's fault, but it still hurts so much. She was my baby sister and now she's gone... probably forever.

I sat on the floor for a while and felt sorry for myself. My thoughts became darker and my tears became fewer and fewer. How nice it would be to just go to bed and never have to get up again. To never have to endure the pain of this world again and just have peace. No longer worrying about what I have to do the next day or who I have to 'talk' to. To stop worrying about whether the new students like me or not because I would just push them away anyway.

When I think about the new students, Jisung immediately comes to mind. He's such a nice boy. It's been ages since anyone tried to talk to me. Even the biggest bullies in school don't want anything to do with me because I seem too creepy to them. Many people think that I'm some kind of witch and would curse them... haha, that's a little amusing when I think about it.
I'm not complaining that I'm alone. I mean, I wanted it that way. This way no one can hurt me anymore... this way no one can laugh at me... this way no one can ask questions...

But on the other hand, it would be nice to laugh like the three boys from today or talk to friends like Seungmin did with Chan today in front of the kindergarten. I will miss these 'insider jokes' or the movie nights together.
I had a few with Wooyoung. We had something like a 'ritual'. I spent every Friday and Saturday with him and we always watched different series. Those were my favorite days of the week because I could get away from my dad. I didn't have to worry about Olivia because like I said, Dad didn't touch her and I wasn't there who he could have hurt infront of her eyes. They were my favorite days... and now... what now...

I don't know it.

Do I continue with my plan...?

Do I go look for Olivia...?

Is it perhaps even better for her now that she also has her mother...?

What should I do with this house...?

I don't need such a big house for myself...

Can't I just disappear... forever...

I really don't know, but I don't want to worry about it right now. I'll think about it tomorrow...
Now I'm too tired for that...
Just tired...
Tired...
So... so... tired...

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I am sorry for this shitty chapter.
It is more of a filler chapter.

Next time it will be better. I promise.

Nevertheless, I hope you liked it. See you next Friday!

~chichi