For Marli

57

Milani Pov
I've been doing alright, been getting into meditation and yoga.

I feel, I'm still going through hurt. My thoughts on myself, have truly changed.

I don't feel adequate.

Like some women are meant to be wives. Then there's women that are meant for a good time.

I feel like, I was just meant for a good time. I don't have the qualities to play the role of a wife maybe.
How damaged I am, it feels equivalent to, you can take her out the hood, but you can't take the hood out of her. Like Keith got me out of a toxic relationships, but I brought the toxic habits into the marriage.

The need to want a relationship with anyone has gone away. Everyone putting the blame on me made me feel even more as though  I was never deserving of love. I'm the problem.

I think what hurts the most was Keith giving up on me. Like to to know the pain I went through and the trauma it has created, and to come in playing knight and shiny armor, but give up when you see it's a dragon you have to fight first. And to know whatever I do is never intentional just trauma. To sit in my face as I cried about my inadequacy and say to hell and back I go for you and just give up. But what can you expect from someone who's ok with walking away.

He knew I loved him, why would he leave me.

He knew I was trying hard to be better , going through therapy, why would he leave me.

He knew I was still healing from trauma, why would he leave me.

I wanted to change, just didn't know how....

It would be like, I let my guard down, then he does something that feels off, then I get in defense mode, then turns out he didn't even do nothing.

Yea it's embarrassing but how am I supposed to feel. Your husband doesn't come back home after a night out, what is your first instinct, he's dead? He's laid up in a bed with another woman? He never told what boys he was out with and boys you do know are hoes, was he really with the boys. With the common knowledge you have from getting cheated on all the time, are you wrong for the assumption?

And for me to be the full blame when, I quietly dealt with him taunting me. Starting arguments with me, it's like he found a way to start a fight to be able to get how he felt about me off his chest. I breathe wrong then I'm this attitudinal woman because I let a nigga fuck me over. He wasn't always like that, he just switched when he got tired of me accusing him and realizing he was taking sacrifices to make me feel better. I felt the slight shift when I angrily accused him for my miscarriage, honestly. The tolerance got a tad bit low when that happened.

But I digress.

I've been doing better each day. I don't have plans to be with anyone until I'm healed completely. I now go to church and read my bible. I spend free time reading books. I still go to therapy. I'm almost over the divorce. I'm accepting of it now.

Work opens me up to more traveling. I picked up a gig on a tv show. I love the people I work with. I'm honestly in a better place.

Keith and I are cordial.

Today, his girlfriend felt the need to introduce herself to me at drop-off. This was my first time actually meeting her.

"Hey Milani." Keith said awkwardly.

"Hey Keith." I Said as I put Kairo in his carseat and the girls got in the car. Marli helping Koko buckle up in her carseat, then getting into her booster seat.

Once I closed the door, His girlfriend got out the car and came over. She reached her hand out to shake. I'm looking at her like the fuck, but I shake her hand anyways.

"Hey I'm Madison."

"Hey." I said briefly looking over at Keith like what's going on, he looked bout nervous.

"I just wanted to introduce myself to you, out of respect, definitely with me being around your lovely children, and me being a stranger to you." She said.

"Oh ok. Nice to meet you."

"Also, Mars wants her at her birthday party."Keith said.

"I didn't think it was a proper way to finally meet you there and I also wanted to make sure if you're ok with me coming." Madison added.

"Oh ok, yea.. that's fine.....Thanks for introducing yourself." I said.

"Yea no problem."she said.

"Well uh alright now, see yall later." Keith said before they walked back to the car.

I got in the car and just took a breath. Crazy how life changes so suddenly.

I did respect her for introducing herself. It was very woman of her.

"Marli, How do you like your daddy's girlfriend? She treats you all well?" I asked

"She's fun mom. She bought me dolls and we play with it together and she's very funny. We also dress up and have fashion shows and she lets me do her makeup. We all do art activities together too. Madison is my friend. She treats us well mommy."

"Alright that's good baby." I said.

I can't be mad at her, if she treats my children well , what am I to beef with her about.

"Mommy do you have a boyfriend ?"Marli asked.

"No ma'am I don't. Mommy is single."

"Is it because you want to be with Daddy?"

"No ma'am, he's with Madison. I like that she makes him happy. That is what  makes me happy." I said holding back tears as I drove.

"Mommy I'll find you someone to be happy with."

"Thanks Mars, but I'm fine. You and your siblings make me happy." I said looking at them through the rearview, smiling. Koko and Kairo was knocked out.

We made it into our garage, Marli got out the car and carried Koko into the house, the best of her ability even though Koko is about half her size. I grabbed Kairo and went into the house. Placing him in his crib then going into my room. I went in my bathroom and just cried. I prayed for healing, until my tears dried.

After crying, I got myself together and spent time with my girls.

When it was time for bed it was almost as if God spoke to me.

Marli enjoys reading the bible verses of the day before bed. Surprisingly the verse was Psalms 34:18.

"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted.
He saves those whose spirits have
been crushed" Marli and I both read together as Keiko listened and I held onto Kairo.