The Mistress (Vikings)

26. York

York

Despite the days passing by, I still think about it. I ponder over what happened with Alfred. So much changed between us when people learned of our affair. So much changed between us since we met. We were two children that knew nothing about life back then. And it all developed into something... messy. The sorrow of those days follows me everywhere I go, the remainder that grows in my womb is unavoidable. I am having his child, and there is no way I will be able to forget our past. Some part of me hates it, but another one, probably the biggest, does not mind at all. My adoration for Alfred is not something that can be easily overridden, and despite this child being a bastard, I know I will love him all the same. It is the symbol of our unattainable passion. And yet, I do not think I have it in me to go back to him. Even if it was unintentional, which I learned was not the case, I do not want to be a mistress again, not even a King's mistress. It has nothing to do with the propriety of the situation within the court, it is just my heart that cannot stand looking at the man I love being with another. The whispers of my position followed me everywhere I went. Here, among the enemy, I am no longer filthy in their eyes, even if it is only because they do not know the truth. Ever since running from him, I have never felt freer from judgment.

Now, learning that Alfred played a key role in turning me into a mistress is something entirely different. That is where the part of me that resents him comes from. He planned everything. To some degree, I would like to see him, so I could hear whatever he has to say that made him believe turning me into his mistress was a good idea. I had never asked for that, and running to the nunnery proved that I would have never chosen it. During my sleepless nights, I talk to Egadyd about it. I tell her what I went through and my unhappiness. She listens, but I know she has her own demons to deal with. Mainly the fact that she is about to become a mother with no husband. The father of her child is dead, and according to her, I should be glad that mine is not. Though it is useless either way. As a future mother, I should not be selfish and go back to Alfred at the first opportunity I have. Even if it is a bastard's life, he could provide what I can not, but I do not want to live that way again.

"I need to know," I interrupt Ivar's thoughts. He looks up at me from where he's sitting at the other end of the table. "What are you going to do with me?"

This afternoon, the prince called me forth to join him during lunch. When I entered the castle where the Ragnarssons had taken residence, I did not expect this to be a one-on-one meeting, though the rest of the brothers were nowhere to be seen. This time, Ivar wanted to know about how the Saxon court works and the kingdoms that are part of King Aethelwulf's rule. I provided him with the details that he asked for. I briefly considered refusing, but the information that I have is not enough to bring down England. There was a reason why I never attended Alfred's prince lessons. As a protégé from the King, I was allowed to learn more than average, but not too much. I am still a woman, after all.

"What do you mean?" Ivar's tone is sharp and quick-witted. I enjoy how his blue eyes gaze into mine, but more than that, some part of me is glad the shade is not the same as Alfred's. My ex-lover's were lighter, mixed with gray like a storm. Ivar's are like the deep sea reflecting on the heavens' darkest desires.

"You have me here, and you ask me things I am not sure are of assistance." I place a hand on my belly, "my child is not to be born in a while, so it is not of immediate help to you. Is this about having something to hang over Alfred's head?"

Ivar throws the half-eaten chicken bone back to his plate with force, there is a frown on his face. "I thought this is what you wanted, woman, for me to spare you and your sister."

"I did, I do, but why did you spare us?" He could not have done so out of the goodness of his heart. "I had been used by powerful men before, and I did not know it." Alfred. "If you are to use me, I would like to know how."