The Mistress (Vikings)

10. En løgn

A Lie

It has been a week since the scandal of my affair with Prince Alfred became public. Everyone in court is aware of it now. I have not been out of my chambers much. First, because my mother forbids me to, she believes I will only make things worse if I show my face . I try not to be offended by her words, instead, I am grateful that I do not have to see everyone else yet. With the arrival of Princess Elsewith and now this, I am sure everything is a mess. For what little I have gathered from the maids that serve my food, my actions are not very well-received. The ladies whom I used to laugh with and who gave me advice on romance now look down on me. They do not say anything, but I can see it in their eyes. The judgment. And I know I will see much more in the court's eyes because in these kinds of situations, Alfred did nothing wrong, I did. I lost my virtue, one of the things that give me value as a woman. If not the only thing. And I hate it. I wish I could do whatever I wanted and not be judged about it. Why do men can? Everything I have been reading so far tells me that not all cultures are like the Saxon. Some are cruel to women. Others are better, like the Vikings. I know a lot about them now, well, more than I should, probably. I enjoy learning about the Gods, but above all, the shield maidens are amazing. I do not think I could ever become one, they are so fierce and fearless.

When I am learning about it, I like to remember that young Viking boy I met, Ivar. He had a cruel aura that demanded attention. I remember how he looked at me, and my skin prickles in excitement. He was the first man I ever gazed at with sexual interest. Sometimes, when I am in bed, I caress Mjölnir on my chest. It is cold to the touch, yet it brings a certain warmth. Like it means more than just a gift given by a stranger, like some sort of promise. Why did I give him my handkerchief? Did I mean to say something by doing so? And why did he give me this? It must have been important to him, if it was one of the little things he brought from his land. Maybe him giving it to me had a deeper reasoning... maybe...

No, I am delusional. There is no way that encounter still lingers in his mind as it does in mine. Right? What is wrong with me being attracted to Princes? Just as it is impossible for me to be with Alfred, it would be for me to be with Ivar. Not that I would want to. Falling in love with a Viking must be dangerous.

"Lady Leofflaed," a maid has entered my chamber, her expression is somber. "Prince Alfred requests to see you." Ever since our encounter in the woods, I have not seen Alfred. Part of Mother's banning included not meeting him. I am surprised he is here now. I wonder if Mother knows.

"Let him in."

I do my best to ignore the maid's grimace as I prepare myself for Alfred's entrance. I raise from my desk. The woman disappears behind the door, and minutes later Alfred steps in. He is as handsome as ever, but there is a deep frown on his face. I see purple circles under his eyes. I wonder if mine are the same because I have scarcely slept these past days.

"Lady Leofflaed," his greeting sends deep anguish to my bones. He sounds distant.

"Alfred, what is it?" I run to his encounter. I can not help myself.

He pulls my hands away when I place them on his chest. My heart aches. "Considering the current course of events, there is something I need to tell you." I listen intently. "Court is restless about our... slip." Slip? "Do not think for a minute that I regret it, because I do not, Leofflaed. You and I are the most beautiful thing." He takes a step toward me, but still does not touch me.

With the current unfolding of events, I wonder what he is about to tell me. A deluded part of me thinks that he might propose now that everyone knows. There is no reason anymore to hide our love from anyone, and it would be completely normal to marry me after stealing my virtue. However, Alfred is still a prince, and sometimes princes are exempt from certain rules. One of them is the social one that demands him to marry me. Even worse than his disrespect for God by fornicating before marriage, is marrying outside his social class. Still, some lovesick part of me expects Alfred to ask for my hand. Or to tell me that he is marrying me off to someone else to save me from disgrace. He does not, instead, what he says is so much worse.

"Mother has decided that it is best, given the current development, to marry Elsewith as soon as possible." His words are gentle and his eyes cautious. He then mutters the words that shatter my heart to pieces: "I decided to do what she says."

For a long minute, I can not hear anything. It is like a constant, incessant beeping in my ears. My head feels heavy, and I think I might pass out. But I am not weak, so I refuse to let this situation have the best of me. Alfred's eyes are filled with sadness and pity, but I do not see regret. He is completely sure of his resolve, and there is nothing I can do to change his mind. No matter how much I try, I was never and will never be a competition to Judith. Whatever she says, her son will do. I have always known that, and yet I expected different. I had hoped that our love would be enough. Sometimes it is not enough.

"I see," my voice is barely above a whisper. I keep it down because I do not want it to break.

"It is the only way to get rid of the scandal that we have created." Alfred parrots Judith's explanation.

I smile sadly at him. "But it is not the only way, my love." The pet name tastes bitter in my mouth. "Your mother has convinced you that it is the only way, though there is another option, and you know it."

"Leofflaed," the pain in his gaze can not be hidden. "Since the beginning, we have known ours was impossible. We had hoped it could happen, but it will never. Not the way we want it to."

"Then, what about me?" I cannot withhold the desperation from my tone. I am about to lose everything. "What about my social standing? What about my love for you?"

"The decision to sleep together was both ours." There is a hint of venom in his voice that I have never heard before.

"I know that, and yet, I am the one that everyone will hate in court." He knows I am saying the truth because he looks away. "I will never get a husband after this."

He shakes his head, "is that not what you wanted? Ever since we met, you have always told me you did not want to marry a stranger. Now you will not."

The way he says it makes me halt for a moment. A hint of suspicion settles in my brain. Was it a coincidence that Edburga was passing by the clearing? We have never been discovered before, why now? On the verge of my marriage. Before I can do dwell on it too much, Alfred speaks again:

"Your father was a lowly Lord, the nobles will never approve of our marriage, and you know this." Yes, I am aware. But also, Aethelred's words linger in my mind. If he were brave enough, nothing else would matter... "Even if the king were to support it, and he will not, we will always be threatened." Yes, I am aware of that too. King Ecbert has shown his like for Princess Elsewith, despite me being his protégée. I have no opportunity in that matter. "I am sorry, Leofflaed, but I will find a solution for you not to fall into disgrace. And maybe, we can find a way to be together after all. I promise." There is a trace of a smile on his face. Does his word means anything anymore? For the first time ever, I cannot correspond with Alfred's happiness.