The Mistress (Vikings)

13. Limbo

Limbo

It has been a month since Alfred married Elsewith. Life has been dull, to say the least. I was not naive enough to believe that seeing them married would not hurt my feelings. I knew it would, but I had hoped I could overcome them and focus on the good things. I had hoped my relationship with Alfred would not change. After all, I was naive. I have been struggling to adapt to my new life as Alfred's mistress. I have thought that it would be as simple as just being with him, as I have been since I met him. It is not like that. There are a set of rules and obligations that I am expected to follow. For example, I am not supposed to sit at the Royal table when there is a banquet, instead, Elsewith is where I would want to be, whereas I am at the nobles' table with everyone judging me. I thought I could deal with the way people would treat me when I became Alfred's mistress. Right now, I am not sure if I will ever be able to. There are not only the stares, but also the whispers behind my back, and the shift in the way people speak to me. I am not only a lowly noble, I am a whore now. At least, that is what they think of me. I am in limbo in my love for Alfred and my position in court. I do not know where to move or what to do anymore. I feel like I am failing. It is like I have become what I despised the most, a woman eager for a man's approval, a man's property. Because for the people, I am nothing more than Alfred's mistress. I used to be the daughter of my poor father, now I am the prince's slut. Why can not I ever be someone of my own?

And then there is the jealousy. I trusted Alfred when he said he would never love Elsewith. However, I cannot help the feeling I get when I see them together in public. There is nothing amorous about the way they treat each other, but there is the undeniable fact that they are married and expected to have heirs. Of course, I know what happened during the bedding ceremony: something similar to what I have been doing with him. It was necessary for the marriage to be consummated. That night, I spent it crying myself to sleep, thinking about what was happening just a few doors away. Alfred has promised me that he has not spent another night with Elsewith ever since, but I know that if she is not pregnant soon, they are going to have to keep trying until she is. The thought of her having Alfred's baby makes me drown in despair. Along with that, Alfred needs to spend more time with Elsewith because of their newly married duties. It is probably not as much as one would think of, but going from barely talking to each other, to an hour or two of communication daily is something that I cannot help but notice. I have been feeling somewhat paranoid given the current circumstances. I try not to think about it, though there is a tiny voice in my head that enjoys whispering, maybe they will fall in love.

All of my thoughts have come to deteriorate my relationship with Alfred. Despite the fact that I am there every time he calls for me, or when he claims to need me the most, there is something that prevents me from fully enjoying our encounters. We have reached a point where we are intimate without me being emotionally present. I am not sure how he feels, but there are times when I cannot shut up my brain's negativity. I love him, but maybe that is not enough anymore? Has loving him prevented me to love myself? I am living a life I do not completely feel grateful for. I am no longer the person I was. Sometimes I wonder if Alfred truly loves me because he is letting me go through this. I know I must stop those ideas. Prince Alfred is a kind person, and he would never hurt me on purpose.

Still, I feel desolated in a court full of people that look down on me. King Ecbert has told me time and again to look for the power of being a mistress. I do not know yet how. No one besides Alfred and my oldest sister seem to be on my side. Mother stopped contacting me whatsoever after the letter that she sent me a few days next to her departure. She declared her desire for me not to contact her again. She also claimed that the only thing I can do for our family now is to follow the path I chose and bear my status as Alfred's mistress. I have also tried to contact my youngest sister and my brother. Neither of them care about my inner turmoil. Edburga simply told me that I got what I deserved for opening my legs before marriage, and Herewald did not even reply. I question myself about the decision that I made. I do not regret falling in love with Alfred, but perhaps I should not have become his mistress. No, I should not think that way, this is the only way for us to be together. I must bear it for our love.

"What are you doing out here alone?" A voice calls to my right. When I look, I notice that Aethelred is examining me with curiosity in his eyes. He seems to be questioning my sanity, and I do not blame him because I am currently in the courtyard contemplating the rain that falls from the sky. I am in the part that has a roof, though considering that no one else but the guards are out here, I must appear strange.

"I was just thinking," I answer quietly. I expect Aethelred to leave after it, but instead, he only hesitates for a moment before taking a seat beside me on the bench.

"Does this thinking have anything to do with my brother?" People, including his own mother, do not give him credit enough for his sharp mind. I have seen time again others preferring Alfred, either because of his cleverness, or prioritizing him given his weak body. I wonder what would have happened if I had fallen in love with Aethelred instead. Would we have married, unlike Alfred and me? He is not in line for the throne the way Alfred is, but even so, would Aethelred have chosen me over the crown?

Even if Aethelred and I are not exactly close, I decide that I do not have many people that care for me nowadays, and maybe getting this out of my chest will help. So, I decide to confide in him about my unrest. I tell him everything I have been pondering about the situation so far, my jealousies and fears. When I am done, I did not know what I expected from him, maybe that he would laugh or tell me that I have to continue on and not show weakness. He does not. For a moment, Aethelred only stays quiet, looking up at the skyline, deep in thought.

"I see," he seems to be actually considering my words. He takes a minute before answering. "I cannot tell you what to do, Leofflaed, but because of the time that we have known each other, I feel the need to be honest with you. From what I can gather, being a mistress is not simply loving the prince, it is also maintaining a position within the court. People are going to have a different view of you than they did before, when you were a lady. Now you have certain notoriety that you must learn how to wield in your favor. That is if you decide to continue being my brother's lover." He pauses. "If you do not, then that does not mean you are weak, or that you do not feel for Alfred, it just means the position is not for you. It means you are not meant to be a mistress. You do not have to be something you are not just because of Alfred, remember that. It is in your hands to decide whether you are a mistress or not."

Aethelred's words bring calmness into me, but also indecision. I have already made my decision of being with Alfred, surely, I cannot back down. "What do you think I should do?"

"It does not matter what I or Alfred think," Aethelred replies. "Though, if I must say, I believe you deserve more than what my brother has given you."

Aethelred does not wait for me to answer, he simply pats my arm in a brotherly fashion, smiles sadly at me, and walks away. The rain is still pouring when I make it back to my chambers. I know, by the way the guards are posted outside the doors, that Alfred is waiting for me.