The Mistress (Vikings)

16. Nonnekloster

Nunnery

The day is cold when I walk through the courtyard. It looks like it is going to rain today as well. The weather has been gloomier than usual ever since I stepped foot on the nunnery. Normally, back at the King's Villa, I would have breakfast in the main hall, and then I would take my classes with the royal teacher. In the convent, my room is located in one of the adjacent buildings. It is a small place where no one else sleeps. I am not staying there because they want to give me privacy, but because of the difference between the nuns and me. According to them, I am only sleeping there for a little while until they can prepare a proper resting place for me, but they do not seem to be in a rush to do so. Truth be told, I like my privacy, though it is especially chilly during the night and far from the rest. In order for me to get to the main building, where everyone else is, I need to cross the yard. Today I have my first lesson with the matron about proper behavior.

The morning after Alfred left my alcoves, I went to talk to the King. I was miserable and honestly could not phantom continue living as a mistress any longer, so I decided to sincere myself to king Ecbert about my resolution. When the knowledge about my affair was brought to the public, I was originally given two options to safeguard my dignity. The first one was the one that I precisely chose: living my life as a second woman. The other choice required me to go live in the nunnery. When I made my decision I considered my love for Alfred to be the most important priority and I was ok with that. Mainly given my confidence in being able to withstand the difficulties of seeing my lover in another's arms and stand tall against the rumors of court. I believed I could lead such why life, and I was clearly wrong. Moreover, another one of the reasons why I decided not to live in a nunnery was because I was convinced that the clergy would treat me poorly for my committed sins, but I thought it could not be so much different compared to the stares and whispers in the King's villa.

So, I decided to take my chances in the nunnery King Ecbert suggested to me. I know it was coward to run from my commitment to Alfred like this, but I was trying to think of my mental stability. I feared I might lose my mind if I continued the way I was. Thus, when Alfred left the bedroom, I silently apologized to him for giving up on our love. I am selfish, and I can not help it, I have always been. Maybe that is the reason why I am in this mess, maybe that is the reason why I allowed myself to sleep with Alfred one more time. Either way, my decision to part from Alfred was set, and the only thing left for me to do was see if King Ecbert was willing to help me.

I was honestly not expecting anything when I went to see him, that is the truth. After all I did, him allowing me to be with Alfred was in itself a blessing. Still, even if the King never considered me worthy enough to be with his grandson and had actively secured his marriage with Princess Judith, he was my mentor and King. I owed him some respect, despite he had none for me. That same morning, I went to the throne room and requested to meet him. To my surprise, he welcomed me almost instantly. To say I was nervous was an understatement. Though I managed to say what I came for, the King listened to me with something akin to wisdom and his eyes. He let me finish my speech before looking at me sadly.

"I had a feeling this would happen," he told me. "It is not that I doubt your strength to live as a mistress." He surprised me when he said his next words, "I know you have it in you to become more, that is why, as the king, and as your mentor, I will allow you to go to the nunnery and stay there." Then, in a confidential tone, he told me, "I was actually expecting my grandson to make the right choice and refuse Pricess Elsewith." The confession had me speechless.

"Forgive the accusation, my King, but if I am not mistaken, you were one of the ones that suggested the marriage with the princess." My voice could not hide the betrayed tone.

"Yes, I am well aware. I am not saying that Princess Elsewith is a bad choice, I was just hoping my grandson would choose you instead." His words sank deeper than I anticipated. There it was, the clear fact that, if Alfred had chosen me, the King would have supported our marriage and things could have gone differently. When he saw me lost in my thoughts, he raised his voice again. "However, even if I am the King and permit you to go to the nunnery, that does not mean that Alfred will. Now you belong to him and if he decides to keep you here, that is what you will." His words sent a terrified shiver down my spine. Of course, I did not desire to remain there as some sort of possession, even if that is what I am.

There was hesitancy in my voice when I spoke again. "Is there- is there a way I can go to the nunnery right now?" The implication lingered in the air, I did not wish to say goodbye to Alfred, nor to ask for his permission. I wanted to run away.

The King hesitated, but ultimately he said: "Alfred left this morning on urgent matters to Mercia. There will be a chariot ready within the hour, make sure to be ready."

That was three days ago. I arrived at the nunnery the other day. I was not expecting to be well received, but the truth is that, on such short notice, the only thing the King could do was send an emissary ahead of me to prepare the clergy. Needless to say, nobody was happy with my arrival.

The place is in the South, a few hours away from the shore. It took us more than I anticipated to travel from the King's villa to this place. I suppose I should be glad that King Ecbert chose the place far away enough not to be swayed by court rumors, but not as much for it to seem that I do not matter anymore. Nevertheless, due to my sudden arrival, my presence is not as discreet as I would have liked. Apparently, everyone knows who I am. They are aware of the differences in our previous lifestyles all too well. Most, if not all the women here, have led a life of selflessness and celibacy. They are rightfully the wives of God, and I am obviously not anywhere near them. I am not trying to compete, yet there is an indistinguishable barrier between me and them. That is, despite the fact that we live in the same place.

I have not been here for long, but I can already tell that I will not fit into this sister ship. The way that they look at me is not the same one that the nobles in court have. But neither can I say that it is welcoming. If I had to describe it, I would say it is a mixture of judgment, disgust, and curiosity. Nevertheless, they treat me just fine. Of course, I have been here only for a little time and things rarely are as simple as they seem. Thus, an ominous feeling settles powerfully in my stomach when the matron lets me know that I will be taking special classes, so I can learn how to behave as a nun, even if I am not one.

On the way there, I pass by some senior nuns going to get breakfast. Unlike them, I must abide by my fasting, so I try to ignore the grumbles of my stomach. The idea of fasting is part of my new education, which is a requirement of my stay here. When I finally reach sister Jane's quarters, the door is closed. I knock on the wood lightly.

"Come in," the voice is delicate. Sister Jane is sitting in front of her desk, with some papers spread all over it. She looks me over when I come in. Another thing that has changed in my short stay here is that I have been requested to wear modest attire. However, since I came here in a rush and, according to the church, my previously owned gowns were not decent for a nunnery, I am now wearing something similar to what the nuns here have. They are basically borrowed clothes. Even if I am completely covered from head to toe, I feel naked under the matron's judgmental gaze. "Part of the agreement with the king sending you here is to allow you to correct the mistakes you have made in flesh and soul. Surely, you do not expect that to happen solely by fasting and dressing modestly, do you?" I have a feeling that she is not really expecting me to answer, so I remain quiet. "From now on, every morning, we will have lessons for you to learn how to behave properly in the eyes of God. Do you understand?"

"Yes," I murmur. Something that I have noticed during my time here is that the nuns never referred directly to my ex-position as Alfred's mistress. It is as if they are trying to not even think about my succumb to desire.

"Very well," sister Jane nods. "Now, sometimes we will talk about our only Lord Jesus Christ." She must not know about my private lessons with the King or the royal teacher, because she does not mention my improper knowledge of heathen cultures and religions. "Other times, we will focus on the purification of your body of its sinful remains."

My curious self cannot help but ask, "oh, like the baths nuns have once a month?"

Her response is immediate, "you are not a nun and the purification of your body needs more extreme measures." The implication of the words does not sink into my understanding when she is already commanding: "lift your sleeves, we will start there."

Confused, I obey. Sister Jane takes something from one of the desk's drawers and approaches me. Only when she is near, do I realize what it is. A horsewhip.