The Mistress (Vikings)

3. Seksten år gammel

Sixteen years old

Growing up with Alfred all these years has proven to be hard. His weak disposition does not allow him to go out much or do a lot of things. Even when it comes to food, he can only eat certain things. That is why, when we were thirteen and I stole some sweets from the kitchen, he spent a week in bed after eating them. Surprisingly, Alfred took the blame and I avoided getting scolded. To be honest, it would have been much easier to befriend Aethelred. He is healthy, and we have some things in common. Like causing mischief. Even so, I would never change my friendship with Alfred for anything in the world... or at least that is why I thought until some months ago.

After the Viking's visit, I started to think more about boys. My encounter with Ivar, albeit brief, had sparked my curiosity about them. I watched the guards in the courtyard train, admiring how their thick arms handled the swords. Furthermore, I caught myself staring at a stable boy's naked torso once while no one was watching. That brought an interesting new perspective of men. It also made me wonder about the relationship between men and women. Not the one that my nanny told me, where women were supposed to be faithful and support their husbands. No. The one that I noticed every time Princess Judith and King Ecberth were in the same room. In those moments, the tension lingered in the air and tasted so sweet. Deep down, I wanted something like that, but I did not know what it was. So I researched.

My mother nor my nanny would give me the answers I needed, so I went looking elsewhere. I could not ask Princess Judith, so spying the maids was the only option. One time, I caught the servants whispering about kissing. I memorized what they said about 'the proper way' for later, maybe one day I would need it. That same day, I heard them discuss love in marriage. I did not know that was possible. Another time, they gossiped about how good it felt when a man touched a woman down there. At first, I thought it was odd because that's where we relieve ourselves and have babies. But then one day I decided to prove their theory. I refused to look for a man to do it, so I did it myself. I had no idea what to do, so I just rubbed and rubbed until some strange liquid came out. I panicked because thought it was my bleeding, but it was almost colorless. Soon, I realized that when I touched certain parts, it felt better than others. However, for some reason, I felt weird doing it, so I stopped. Maybe I really needed a man to do it.

Then I started to wonder, could I let a man do it? The answer was obviously no. I was not knowledgeable in that area, but I knew that it would mean losing my virtue. Mother said that only our husband could take that from us. Nevertheless, that did not stop me from daydreaming. Any man would not do. My first thought went to the Viking boy that sparked my curiosity, Ivar, but I rejected the idea. Surely, I would not let a stranger do it. That is when my mind shifted to Alfred. Would I let Alfred do it?

He is my best friend, he is gentle, and I like the way his eyes shine when he smiles at me. Though, that sort of intimacy is the one you have with your husband, not with your friend. And yet, I surprised myself by accepting that I would let Alfred do it. That was the first time that I started to think about him differently.

Slowly and steadily, my feelings for Alfred started to change. I no longer saw him as the scrawny boy who liked to read. I no longer saw him as my friend. He became more. I would notice the way he would scratch his nose while thinking, the way his hair was brighter on sunny days, or how his mood was better when we went riding. For a weakling, he loved horses. I started to notice every bit of him, and that also meant I realized his favoritism over me. He tried to be neutral and kind to everyone, but it was obvious how his demeanor shifted when he saw me. That is when I realized that -I might be wrong-, I am not alone in my affections.

Today is Eadgyd wedding day. She is marrying a middle-aged, rich duke. The man is not ugly, but he is triple my sister's age. His last wife died in childbirth, and he has two young daughters. So now my sister is supposed to mother a newborn baby and two toddlers. Even still, Mother thinks it is a good match because he is noble and wealthy. After the ceremony is over, Eadgyd and her husband will leave for his house. A week later, Mother and my siblings will follow. Now that Eadgyd is bound to become a wife, we do no longer need for Princess Judith's hospitality -we have abused it enough. My family is supposed to move into Eadgyd's household until Herewald reaches sixteen and becomes Lord. Then, he will have access to whatever is left from our father's assets. Not that it matters, because by then, Eadburga and I will probably be married.