The Mistress (Vikings)

11. Elskerinnen

The Mistress

I feel the shame creep up my spine from the look my mother is giving me. She knows very well how to make me feel like the most ungrateful daughter to ever exist. However, that is not the worst thing about my current situation.

It is a few days after my meeting with Alfred -that thankfully, mother learned nothing about- waiting for King Ecbert to make a decision. It is in his hands to foresee my future in court and my relationship with Alfred, given the events that transpired and lead to this development. This is, as well, the first time since the discussion that I lay my eyes on the Prince. From what I could gather from my mother's news, his wedding with Princess Elsewith is looming. Even the small part of me expected him to propose to me after the scandal is gone. If he was not royalty, it would have been required for him to marry me after taking my virtue. But because we are who we are, his plans of royal marriage were only briefly interrupted by the scandal. Furthermore, no one seems to blame him for what happened. I try not to let negative thoughts consume me, but I can not help the resentment from the injustice of it all. Nanny Mary claims that despite my frivolous attitude, I knew what I was getting in myself into, and she is right. I was aware that if people were to find our secret, the hate would be directed only towards me, yet I let it happen. And yet, some twisted part of me does not regret it. I can not imagine myself taking another decision. Yes, I am aware that I have become a pariah for the rest of my life. I will never get a chance to wed because the only man who would want me is about to marry someone else. Yet, the only feeling I can muster is anger towards the unfairness. I am mad at Alfred for denying me, at my mother for being disappointed, at the King for not having my back, at Princess Elsewith for taking Alfred, at the court for getting involved in other people's business, and at the whole society for demanding women to stick to these rules.

"What do you think, Lady Leofflaed?" King Ecberth asks after a moment of silence.

Given that Alfred cannot marry me, I am a loose end that needs to be fixed. It is well within our family rights to demand something to be done about my current predicament. The King took time to ponder and decide, and he just did. He has given me a choice for my future, one that I never saw myself taking. In order to make -or at least try to- everything right, I am either to go to a nunnery on the outskirts of the kingdom or become Alfred's mistress. The smile on my lover's face shows his favoritism for this last option, it is an obvious clue of what he expects me to do. Nevertheless, being someone's mistress is not something I ever wanted for myself. It is not a favorable position to be in. In court, a mistress is nothing but a glorified whore. In hindsight, this option would allow me to be closer to Alfred without having to hide. We could even have children and grow old together, but it all would be tainted by the disapproval of society. Not to mention, I would have to withstand being on the sidelines as I look at the relationship between my lover and the princess flourish. Of course, they would have to have children as well, and even share some kind of bond between them. He promised not to love her, but, would he be able to fulfill that? Would we be able to resist the court's rejection? Will I be able to watch them share moments together that I always thought Alfred would share with me? My bleeding heart tells me that I would not, that if I accept that option, I am going to crash and burn. And soon enough, there would be nothing left of the woman I am.

Then, there is also the other option, which is to be shipped off to a nunnery where I am most probably going to spend all of my life. There, the nuns would not accept my cleanse's vows. They would see me as nothing more than a burden. I would never truly become one of them, not on the inside and not on the outside. It was never my plan to become a nun, so I would be living in a lie, and they would know. Furthermore, I would not be able to see Alfred anymore... Maybe that is a good thing. This is the decision that Mother expects me to take because even being an impure nun is better than being a mistress. But, am I ready to be ripped away from everything I have ever known and be thrown into a world of religious texts and abstinence? Nanny Mary's teachings are nothing compared to the strictness of religious schools. No more running around with the maids, no more riding in the mornings, and definitely no more teachings on forbidden knowledge.