The Mistress (Vikings)

15. Raseri +18

Fury

I do not know what is happening to me, the mixture of feelings that I get when I look at Alfred can not be healthy at all. It is now not only the love that used to get my heart beating wildly, there are other emotions as well. For example, there is unmistakable anger whenever Alfred and Elsewith are together. My heart does not seem to get the message that it is all for show. I do not know if that fury is what powers the jealousy, or if it is the other way around. I should not feel this way when looking at my lover, or at least it is what my heart tries to tell me. Should not peace and love be the only emotion? Or perhaps I am too naïve to think so. It is utterly horrid to feel this way, and some part of me resents Alfred for these feelings, even if they are my own. I chose this life, after all, even if the decisions that led towards this outcome were both of ours, it was my resolution to become Alfred's mistress. I thought I could live with this decision and establish myself some sort of power in life as a mistress, but above all, as Alfred's lover. I really believed I was strong enough to see the love of my life in someone else's arms and feel nothing, but that is just not the way I am. I cannot find in myself the strength to live this life as it is. It goes beyond my feelings for Alfred, it also carries the repercussions of my affair with him. The court did not take lightly either of my decisions. So, not only the fact that I slept with him has been haunting me, but also becoming his mistress. There is almost no one that does not look at me with disgust or contempt. And the situation not only makes me feel incredibly depressed, but also builds anger inside of me, like a monster growing and craving revenge. Revenge for what? I am not sure.

My feelings are not the only ones shifting, I can see a change in Alfred's behavior too. He received Judith's plan for an heir more eagerly than I expected. He claims that it has nothing to do with Elsewith or the kid, that what he desires is the stability that having descendants would provide. Likewise, he claims that it is not only for his own good, but also for my security. I do not think he realizes that once he has heirs, they will hate me for taking their father away from their mother. Even if it was the other way around. Thus, he has been visiting Elsewith's Chambers more than I would be comfortable with. Of course, he does not tell me of this, I am sure he believes lying about it will protect my feelings, so he prefers to keep things to himself. But I know that it happens, and I know because even if he desires to protect me from the truth, the maids do not. When they know I am listening, they like to gossip about how the Prince went last night to see Princess Elsewith. They enjoy the pain in my face while they pretend to apologize. I have thought about doing something to punish them, but my position is too unstable to make any more mistakes. Even if there is nothing going on between Alfred and Elsewith romantically speaking, they have been definitely trying for an heir to the point that he does not call for me as often as he used to. It appears as if he does not miss my company in the bedroom or elsewhere. His days are filled with royal duties, and his nights are as well, but this time accompanied by the Princess.

There is a knock on my chamber's door that distracts me from my spiraling thoughts. It is late, and I do not expect anyone right now. I am almost asleep, so it takes me a bit to gather myself and allow whoever is out there to enter.

"My lady, Prince Alfred requests to see you," says the maid by the door.

The visitation takes me by surprise, Alfred has not been able to come and see me at night since more than two weeks ago. For a moment, I ponder not to let him in. I have been missing him through these hardships during my establishment as his mistress in court. Even though he shows outside support against nasty rumors and in front of anyone who watches, once we are alone, he must assume I am ok, because he rarely makes me feel better. I am not a child that needs to feel reassured every step of the way, but sometimes I do need my lover's embrace and nothing else.

"Let him in," I murmur into the darkness. The maid quickly disappears behind the door, and she is replaced by my lover. Even with my mixed feelings for him, Alfred looks gorgeous under the candlelight. He must be waiting for me to do or say something because he remains by the end of the bed silently.

When I do not invite him to approach or to lay beside me as I use to, he must know that there is something wrong. Alfred can be quite dense if he wishes to. "What is it, my love?"

Some petty part of me wants to scream at him for ignoring me over Elsewith all of these nights. There is a deep, unabashed fury that desires to explode in his face. It is such a possessive feeling, I am not sure whether I enjoy it. Instead, I take a second to inhale a deep breath and then respond, "nothing is going on, my love." I can hear the contained resentment in my tone, and it is a mystery, but Alfred does not notice.

He takes my answer as an invitation to approach me and climb on the bed with me. "I have been missing you these couple of nights," he murmurs into my hair as he places a small peck on my forehead.

I know I am supposed to say I have been missing him as well, and I have, but my anger and dignity prevent me from uttering anything. Instead, I wish to trap him in the lies he has been creating for me. "What has been keeping you so busy?"

There is a slight hesitancy and his eyes that if I had not been actively looking for it, I would not have noticed. "The king wanted me to go over some trading documents with him."

"So late?" My voice has an edge to it, I know he is lying to me. Does he think I am stupid?

"Yes," he takes me into his arms and buries his face in the crock of my neck to avoid looking me in the eyes. I let him hold me, but I do not return the hug. "Do not worry, I am here now, and I am all yours." He sure is, but for how long? Until the next morning, when he goes back to his wife? I do not say my thoughts out loud.

Alfred starts kissing me on the soft skin of my neck with his lips. His hand travels to the underside of my left breast, above the nightgown's material. I can feel the desire in his touch, yet something within me prevents me from reciprocating. It is this lingering resentment in the pit of my stomach that does not go away. Despite that, when his mouth finds mine, I cannot avoid kissing him back. It is more like a reflex, something that I do unconsciously. It used to feel as natural as breathing, now it is just a habit. We have not been together for that long, only two years, but I have known him since I was 12. Alfred's company has become something that I am used to, and I cannot imagine my life without him. And yet, these past days I cannot help but think that perhaps, it would have been better for us to remain as friends. Definitely, life would not have been as complicated in other circumstances.

"What are you thinking so much about?" I do not realize when he stops his ministrations to look concerned at me.

"It is nothing," I lie. "I just remember what your mother said, that we should not try for a baby right now." I know that our intimacy goes beyond conception, but the idea of him with Elsewith keeps circling through my head.

"It is ok if you do not want to do anything tonight, Leofflaed." His voice is tender and comprehensive. "Though you should know that I am with you because I desire to, not because of babies."

I desire Alfred too, or at least I do so when the image of him with Elsewith is not running through my head. "I-," I do not know what to say.

Some part of me wants to embrace Alfred and give myself to him, body and soul. Another part of me feels incessant anger over the circumstances, and cannot help but blame Alfred as well. I know it is unjustified because, even though he chose to marry Elsewith, it was our sins that pushed us into this outcome. So, I decide to let go of my fury and follow my first desire. With one hand on his cheek, I guide his mouth to mine in a passionate kiss.

I try to lose myself in the feeling of Alfred's naked skin against mine, I try to enjoy as much as I can the moment our bodies connect and marvelous sensations fill my body with ecstasy. I do, I try my best, but there is always this little part of me that keeps pondering poisonous ideas that I have never had before. Life as Alfred's mistress is not for me, no matter how much I want it to be. It is an unhappy existence, and I have started to resent my lover. I am not who I used to say I would become; a free woman, which is precisely the reason I chose to study under the King's protection. All of that does not matter anymore if I am living a life plagued with uncertainty and jealousy. So, that night, when Alfred makes love to me, I know it is a goodbye.