The Mistress (Vikings)

6. Ikke en dronning

Not a Queen

I have been on edge all day. Yesterday, Alfred said he would talk to Princess Judith today. He did not say when or how, so I have been walking cautiously since morning. I am not sure what to expect from a mother like Judith. She is overprotective of her sons, especially Alfred. She would do anything for them, that includes choosing the bride that she deemed fit. I do not think she would hurt me in any physical way, but I am not sure if she would refrain from damaging my reputation on court, or scheming anything else to make me look bad. The thing is, does she believe I am enough for her son? And if so, is she willing to accept me as her daughter-in-law? And if not, is King Ecbert going to be enough to convince her otherwise? My head is filled with thoughts and worries. This is it, this is a moment that will define the rest of my life. I know for a fact that Judith does not hate me, though she does not like me either. Will she care more about her son's happiness or his social standing? The back of my mind supplies the answer. Deep down, I know how this is going to unfold, but I refuse to let go of my hope until the last moment.

I am in the courtyard when it happens. It is a quiet afternoon outside, I am reading a book, or at least trying to. Then, I see a figure approaching the bench I am sitting on. Even from the distance, I can distinguish Princess Judith's beautiful dress and intricate hairstyle. My heart stops for a moment. The expression on her face is unreadable, I can not say if she is angry or happy. For a moment, I consider pretending not to see her and running away. Is it possible that I am more scared in the presence of this woman than with the Viking King?

"Lady Leofflaed, this is a lovely afternoon, isn't it?" She greets as soon as she sees me, as if she was not walking straight to me with determination in her eyes.

I stand up and bow slightly, just because my manners do not matter in Alfred's presence, it does not apply for everyone else. "Indeed it is, my Princess."

She disregards my bow and signals for me to sit back. She does so as well. "You must already know why I am here." Her tone has gone colder. "There is no need for small talk and protocols, I will be honest and straight with you." I feel a pressure constricting my chest. This is not happening. "Alfred came to talk to me this morning about his wishes to marry. I must admit, I was overjoyed at first. My beautiful son, who never showed any interest for a woman before, was ready for marriage!" A smile adorns her features, but her eyes are unnerving. "Imagine my surprise when he mentioned he wanted to marry you. Now, I allowed your friendship because the King likes you and thinks you are a good influence for my son. But this, Lady Leofflaed, it is another thing entirely, you surely understand?" She stops for a moment. My lack of answer does not discourage her to continue. "You are nowhere near my son's position. And most importantly, you are not Queen material." I look up in surprise at her. Alfred is third in line for the throne, that should not be an issue, why is she bringing it up? The Princess must know what I am thinking because she adds, "Alfred will be King one day, I know it. There is no doubt about it. And when it happens, he needs a woman of higher birth that can guarantee him allies and safety. He needs someone who can support his ruling and give him worthy heirs." She says those words in a tone that is meant not to hurt me; like she is stating facts, or talking about the weather. Her next ones, however, pierce my soul like a million stakes, "you are not the woman for him. Your family is barely noble and your brisk, unladylike attitude will bring him trouble."

I am crushed, humiliated, and I do not know what to say. On any other occasion I might have snapped at her, royalty or not, I would have said something to fight for myself and my love for Alfred. Now, my voice fails me, all I want to do is run to my chambers and cry. Why can I not defend myself? Is it because she is the Princess? Or is it because there might be truth to her words?

"I am aware," Princess Judith continues, "that I can not force my son to forget his feelings for you. Nor your feelings for him." Her sharp tongue adds, "real love or not, I will not let him make a foolish decision like marrying you." In her eyes, I can almost see pity. "I can promise you that." She does not wait for me to answer. The Princess stands up and walks away.

It takes a while for me to recover from Judith's monologue. My head is working too fast thinking about what she told me, I can barely keep up with my thoughts. I feel like I might pass out. When I come a little to my senses, I realize that I have been shaking, and it is not from cold. Some guards that pass by look at me strangely, their eyes linger on my face more than they should. It is until I raise my hand that I notice I have been crying. My rational part tells me that I knew all along this would happen, but my heart mourns the outcome.

Alfred will not fulfill his promise. We will not get married and be happy together. An outsider might think Judith's position should not be too important, considering that she is merely a princess. However, all the court knows the power the woman has over her sons and the King. If she says Alfred will become king one day, then it will happen. No matter what Prince Aethelwulf and Prince Aethelred say. Everybody knows that Alfred is favored by King Ecbert and Princess Judith over Aethelred. Though, I never considered that they would want him on the throne. Princess Judith's words are clear, and if that is their desire, Alfred will become king and will have a queen chosen by his mother. Even if he does not wish to marry anyone but me, he will marry whoever Judith chooses because Alfred has always been one to follow rules. He will do whatever his mother says, it is just the way he is.

Maybe if she was not so adamant in having Alfred as king, I might have been allowed to marry him. Maybe. But she is right, when Alfred becomes king, I will not be able to help him in any way. I am not part of a powerful house, nor do I have a lot of money. Our children would be questioned every step of the way, their rule would be threatened. I know that Judith is right, though this revelation only makes everything hurt more. Alfred will not be able to fulfill his promise, and my heart has just been broken for the first time.