part time soulmates, full time problem

Supersoldier Boyfriend

The next time you saw Clint, you avoided his eye contact, and avoided looking at his hands as he signed to you across the room. Hopefully he'd understand how pissed off you were.

The next time you saw Wanda, you ran away as quickly as possible, determined not to let her know what was going on in your mind. You didn't need her questions right now.

The next time you saw Sam, you asked him to spar, wanting to put your anger into something productive. When Steve and Nat asked to join, you took great joy in (mostly) kicking all of their asses one by one using your invisibility to your best advantage. Maybe you enjoyed almost kicking Nat's ass in particular considering how unbeatable she usually was. It was like something in your brain had clicked, because suddenly you were finding that you were winning more than before, pinning them down a couple of times and managing to outmanoeuvre Clint while invisible (even though you still weren't technically on speaking terms with Clint yet). You even caught Peter by surprise once. It was making you more confident, and more reassured that this was where you were supposed to be.

You felt like you were finally getting to the point of being good. Of being indispensable. You were focused, agile, calculated. You were spending all your time and attention on your job and your training, and definitely not on the beautiful man who you could practically feel was staring at you everytime you walked into a room. You felt like you were hitting your stride and finding your place in the team, throwing the jokes right back at Sam, reminding Peter to stop walking on the ceiling throughout the hallways, and working with Tony on how to get your suit working better with your powers.

A week after the party, Bucky was nothing but a simmering fantasy pushed to the back of your subconscious as you spent your days being the best Avenger you possibly could. You finally joined Clint in the vent one evening to directly discuss the dinner incident, now that you had time to process it and punch some things to regulate your mind.

Clint hadn't said anything from a malicious place, which you were aware of mere moments after Bucky had left your room that night, but in the moment, your walls had shot up around you because You couldn't help it - after all this time on your own, the urge to protect yourself trumped everything. And at the time, you were trying to protect your place in this compound. If things went wrong with Bucky, who would Tony prefer to keep onsite? You doubted it would be the newbie.

You weren't used to having a friend like Clint, someone who would just call you out on your bullshit. But he also understood your nomad ways, the fear of being caught, the fear of being in danger, not eating or sleeping safely. He explained that he didn't realise your sense of security was still a sensitive subject, considering how well he thought you had assimilated into the team and the compound over the last few weeks. It was a weirdly affirmative compliment, that you had managed to mask your anxieties well enough that no one thought you were still the scared loner you had become on the outside. Clint also thought that you and Bucky had just been harmlessly, lightly flirting, hence why he teased you about it. He didn't realise you had been struggling with it as much as you had been.

Talking about it all with Clint made it hit home that you were debating your safety over someone you had a crush on. It made you realise that what you said to Bucky in the car was the right thing to do. You needed to secure your place in the team, and make it impossible for them to fire you. Then you could start fucking around with whoever.

One evening you were rummaging in the communal fridge, grabbing an apple and jumping onto the counter, taking out your pocket knife and cutting sections off to eat. A third of the way through your apple, you had just brought a segment to your mouth when you looked up and saw Nat in the doorway with her arms folded across her chest. You froze, and blinked at her.