Another Love Another time

Chapter 23: Ghosts of the past

River

I wake up to my phone chime alerting me to a message. It had been buzzing constantly when I got home, so I decided I probably should turn it off if I was going to get some sleep. I had woken up in the middle of the night and turned it back on. I have a slight headache even though I took some Aleve with a full glass of water when I woke up. After I got home last night, I called Baxter and luckily, he answered my call. He pushed me into talking to Auggie about everything and to quit putting it off. He reminded me of who I was and a coward I was not. I close my eyes and let out an exhale. I quickly thank God for waking me up another day. I'm in a hazy state, but I am already feeling and smelling the consequences of not following my nightly routine. I still have the layer of makeup on leaving crusty's in the corners of my eyes. I can feel the pressure of my puffy eyes from all the crying I did. And the worst is I can smell my own breath. It smells and tastes like something crawled up in there and died. The events of the night before come rushing back and I can feel myself start to tear up again. It hurts to know he's been with her, living with her, but what did I expect? I completely cut him out of my life. I go back and forth from being mad at him to being pissed at myself. I guess I expected him to try harder. I knew she would sink her claws in him. The lengths she would go to hold on to him.  I had seen it at my dad's funeral. I should have known it then when he never came after me after I left the funeral, but I thought I seen something in his eyes; like he wanted to talk to me as much I needed him too. I guess I was wrong. So. Fucking. Wrong. I came back for him to build a relationship with him again and now that I know he's with Melissa I can't take living in the same town as him. I know my mom wants me here, but I can't. Another text comes through while I'm unlocking my screen. It's Auggie. I know I need to talk to him, but not in this state. Shower first and then I'll talk to Auggie.

I roll off the bed and drop down to the floor. Anything else would require too much work. I crawl to my bathroom. I know I'm being a little dramatic, but it's only for myself to witness so who cares. I pull myself up against the vanity and take a good look at myself. My hair is shooting out in all different directions. I have mascara and eyeliner all over my face. It's even in my ears. How does one even do that? But beyond that my eyes are bloodshot and under my eyes are swollen. "Ugh!" I grunt. I grab for my toothbrush and toothpaste and begin scraping the remnants of last night off them. I hobble into the shower grateful it's a walk in and not a tub shower combo. I pull my shirt and shorts off and throw them over the shower doors. I turn the water on, and I screech when the ice-cold water hits my skin, but almost immediately it becomes a welcoming punishment that I turn it to cold and stand under it as a challenge of how long I can stand under the water and torture myself. I don't know how long passes, but I finally decide I've had enough and rotate the handle to warm. I grab my shampoo bar and rub through my hair until it's sudsy enough. I finish cleansing myself of everything from last night. I still don't understand why I'm so shocked by this. I knew this would happen. I knew this would happen, but somewhere in my fucked-up head I thought he'd choose me. Growing up he was always my best friend., we always hung out when we could, talked daily, we were both each other's first, but maybe I didn't know him like I thought I did. Maybe he was closer to Melissa than I thought. He knew how much I despised her yet he's still with her and if he's with her I can't be in his life. I won't give her another opportunity to hurt me. I turn the water off and I hear a knock at my door. "River are you okay?"

"Yeah mom", I respond.

"Okay honey. There's a Hardee's biscuit and some coffee out here when you're ready."

"Thanks mom, I'll be out in a minute." I say to the door. I hear her walking away. I go to my closet and find a pair of sweatpants and a worn t-shirt. One of Auggie's that I stole when we were in high school. I slide on my flip flops and head towards the smell of coffee. I should probably have one of my husbands, but we have never really been in one place at the same time long enough for me to even steal one.