My Perfect Addiction

Chapter Forty-One

I was changing the baby when my phone beeped. I finished up and put him in his bouncy chair. At least with him here for the night I have something to focus on other than trying to figure exactly how everything got so fucked up, when everything was so perfect to me. My father said you can tell she is struggling with her decision but so am I. I pulled my phone from my pocket and opened the text and I honestly don't even believe what I am reading,

Ryder: Joey, Its me Ryder. I need you please come to the motel!

I didn't even know how to respond I haven't heard from her since that first night. I went everyday for like the first five days and just kept knocking on the door begging her to open up, but she never did. My life has basically have fallen to shit. I took a deep breath,

Joe: Ryder baby, whats wrong since when?

it was an hour and nothing I figured she changed her mind, then at nine she texted back,

Ryder: Just come down, let yourself in door will be unlocked.

I couldn't help but to smile and I looked up at my mom,

"Joesph ...."

"Ma, that was Ryder"

"Really .....?"

"Do you think you can stay with the baby?"

"Sure but why?"

"She asked me to come down to her motel room."

"Is that so...."

"Yeah, so Im going to get fixed up and go down."

"Well good luck with that Joesph."

I know I shouldn't get my hopes up since I have no idea why she is calling me down, but I cant help it. Its the first time in almost a week she wants anything to do with a me in a week. I quickly jumped in the shower and got dressed. Some quick cologne and I was in the car in half an hour. I just want to get down to Rhode Isle and hope that her calling me down is good news.

I jumped into the car and as soon as it turned on the car filled with the sound

One step closer
I have died everyday waiting for you
Darling, don't be afraid, I have loved you for a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more
Time stands still
Beauty in all she is
I will be brave
I will not let anything take away
What's standing in front of me
Every breath, every hour has come to this.

A thousand years, the Christina Perry song that Ryder fell in love with that was supposed to be out first dance as husband and wife. I felt my eyes burn as I pulled out the driveway. 

Honestly I probably wouldn't have asked Joey to come down if I was in the right state of mind. Ive spent hours drinking. Part of me didn't want to believe anyone about that night, the other part wants to just forget it ever happened and just move on.  I reached over and grabbed the bottle, I looked at it, empty....I just cursed it under my breath and with a sigh I tossed it away. I grabbed a teeshirt and panties out of my bag figuring that since I never heard back Joe was obviously not coming. I'll just get a shower and try to sleep it off, the makes it clear that he isn't interested in me.  I stumbled into the bathroom and ran the shower. I couldn't help the tears the flooded my eyes in the shower. I just want my old life back, I want my old life with Joe back.

I pulled up into the motel parking lot and looked up at the room window. I had to sit and steady my nerves, my mouth went dry and my hands began to sweat. I can't recall the last time I have been this nervous. I can preform in front of 50,000 people and just the thought of being alone with Ryder does me in. With a deep breath and a small prayer to god I slide from the car and immediately run up the stairs. I stopped at the door, I can hear her stereo playing Aaliyah quietly through the door. I looked down and my hand was shaking. In all of my life I've never been this nervous with any woman. 

I pushed the door open slowly and stepped in, my heart racing. I looked around, she wasn't there. Then I seen the light under the bathroom door.  I don't even know what to do, do I just wait here, do I walk over and tap on the door and let her know I am here. Suddenly I heard the click of the door latch and I looked up. She  stepped out of the bathroom. She didn't have anything on besides my old Greatful Dead teeshirt. Our eyes locked and my breath lodged in my throat.

"Ryder....."

"Joey....."

"you came,"

"Anytime you call me Im going to come baby you know that. Why did you need me?"

She seemed to hesitate stepping closer. All I want to go is walk over and pull her into my arms and never let go.

"I talked to your parents and Tommy today."

"oh..."

"He didn't tell you?"

"no...."

"He said he was there that night,"

"He was, when you said you were staying home, I called him to come because I knew I'd be drinking."

Her eyes studied me and she cautiously walked over sitting on the edge of the bed. Her eyes still show the hurt and it makes me sick to my stomach knowing Im the cause of it.

"Joey...."

"You called me Joey..."

"I did, Joey please tell me what really happened and don't lie to me to spare my feelings, because I need the truth. I can't function anymore."

I stood looking at her for a minute before I decided to try to sit next to her, just desperate to be close to her. I cautiously walked over sitting next to her on the bed. I looked over at her and just wanted to kiss her and tell her to come home. I knew it wasn't going to happen, so I swallowed the lump in my throat and wiped my hands on my pants.

"Ry, nothing happened, I swear. I had Tommy there because I knew I was going to get drunk and he knows when to cut me off. We preformed on and off thru the night, but we were contracted too. Donnie kept letting the girls up saying its good for our public relations. I went over in the corner to text you, I went to grab my phone and someone shoved that girl and she tripped and just landed on me. Thats when you came up, nothing else happened. I don't even know how you think I would do that to you Ryder. I love you, we were supposed to get married, Im not even capable of doing what you have your heart set on that I did. Even back when we were younger did you ever see me cheat on any girl?"

"No...."

"Than how the fuck do you think I'd do that to you. They were random girls, You I love more than anything in this entire world."

"How can you say that, you can have anyone you want .."

"And I want you, nobody else."

"Joey I can't do this, I can't sit and constantly wonder who and what you're doing when were not together. Its not that I don't want or love you, maybe I'm not the type of person that can handle all this."

"So where does that leave us...."

"at an end pass I guess...."

"I don't want this and Know you don't."

"Its the last thing I want."

"Than don't do this, tell me what you need from me, what do you want me to do. Just tell me what you need and I'll do it..."

"There is nothing you can do. We have to figure out how to function on our own and how you want to be a father when you go on the fucking road again."

"The fucking road, why do you sound so mad if I had to tour?"

"Because this is the reason for everything that happened. I love that you found what makes you happy, but it also takes you away and puts you in these situations."

I watched the tear slip from her eyes I wiped one away and just stared at her for I don't even know how long. I sighed and spoke,

"I'll quit, just come home."