Her Roads

The sea

What I felt today was mutual feelings of the same sea I used to drown myself in...

———————————

Here I'm again
Almost Finishing what I dreamed about six years ago

It's odd this feeling
How I changed

And somehow I still see glimpses of the old Sam, in the new Sam

Back in the days

Where the world was not just gray

I loved to give love
To be there for everyone
To be kind
And funny

But most likely I was forcing myself to become something that my loved ones wanted me

Or... so they could still stay with me.

I'd do anything they asked me to do for them

Well... I hate to admit it now.

I used to hate it back then too
But I muted my thoughts and feelings

Until they broke my heart
And used me

They made me feel like I'm not loved

Like

If I ever leave them, they would never bother to please me as I did for them... because they knew I'd come back

And they were right...

Until god saved me

Until all of them had to be out of my story, for awhile

And it was the best while.

Our childhood has the biggest part of our adulthood

What we are now is based on what we saw back in the day.

But like my mom said
"Sometimes some people need few falls to be a better version of themselves, and sometimes some people already have the mindset of not falling, because they see the hole when we are falling in it."

I never had regrets, nor do I have them now

Because I'm becoming a beautiful person that little Sam would've loved.

But I'm not making the same mistakes

I keep my distance from everyone
Because this distance is protecting me, and my Ineer child from being used again.

And no... it's stupidity to protect and save yourself

Because I know me, and I know if I let myself touch the sea I'd drown again because I still can't swim in that sea.

So... I try to focus on myself more now
I try to acknowledge me and my feelings

Because I don't have anyone else to understand me more than I can do for myself

Im me, I feel what my body and thoughts tell me

So I try to be friends with me

And that love I used to give everyone

Now I give it to me

Because I need it the most

I need me the most than I used to need them.

Now I have great friends, which I love

I don't need to name them

Because they're reading this book
And they know they taught me a lot.

They're that kind of people when I think about them I feel calm

I'm sure of them

I'm sure that they love me.

Don't be hopeless in life
Instead, go ask god for everything
He'll help you
To find everyone you wanted to
And better.

.
-41-
.