Zenande Okhethiweyo

Insert 90

Ever felt like your heart has ripped out of you? At this point even something as joyous as breathing in and out has become painful. I feel like a leaf being blown in whichever direction the wind sees fit. Everytime I close my eyes I see blood,my baby's blood and my husband's blood.
Cele came to the house a day after my miscarriage and he told me that the ancestors said "A life for a life" meaning that my poor baby was the sacrifice in saving Zano. Honestly speaking these ancestors hate me,they act like they appreciate me yet all they ever do is cause me distress. Is this really the kind of life I want?

Cele said that my baby boy had already been named by the ancestors,Thandoluyaphilisa Izanokuhle Zulu. A fitting name for a baby that was made out of love and lost because of love. Love will truly let Zano live I don't even doubt it. Cele cleansed me and that's when it actually sunk in that I'm no longer carrying my precious cargo,I was hoping that it was all a very bad dream but unfortunately my dreams come to life. The family has been nothing but supportive,I think if I was in my right mind my heart would melt at all of this love, but one thing I have realised is that they don't really know how to act around me. I haven't spoken to anyone these past four days,I'm always in my bed and my body has also forgotten that food exists.

This morning my mom called and told me that she is coming. I begged her not to come and it took a lot of convincing because knows me when I'm not in a right state. I told her to pass on the message to my dad and brother because those two hotheads would certainly come and honestly nobody's presence is going to make me feel better. Siphephelo came in and told me that they are going to the hospital,he has been doing that the past couple of days. Even though I'm laying still like a zombie and I don't answer him,he still doesn't give up.

I get up from the bed and take a shower. I need some fresh air,I feel a bit lightheaded. I don't even sneak a glance in the mirror because I know I look like hell so I just do my business and get dressed in my tracksuits. Right now I couldn't care less about upholding the Zulu perfect makoti nonsense,all of these elders and their ancestors can go to hell for all I care.
The house is empty except for Nokuzotha and MaShange. They offer me food but I shake my head indicating a no to them. Nokuzotha is worried,you can see it in her eyes but as I said I'm at a point where I don't care about anything. Even Zano. I take a walk around the yard avoiding the guards so that I don't have to greet back. I looks like somebody was fixing the roof because there is a step ladder at the back. I climb up to the roof,maybe here I will have peace. Once I'm on the roof I push the ladder down and walk to the other side. You can see the entire KwaZulu village from here,it's beautiful a real gem as long as you are not stuck in the royal house. This house is a living nightmare. I thought I belonged here but now I'm not so sure. I walk closer to the edge,the wind hits my face,it's cooling. I take off my hoodie and it's hits my bald head,I asked Cele to shave off all of my hair because I felt like that was right to do. That was a representation of the old me,the young naive girl who thought that being The Chosen One was a blessing in disguise,the girl who thought she would live with a mafia king happily ever after,the stupid girl who thought that love would overwrite the pain. That girl died. I'm no longer stupid.

I walk closer to the edge,one wrong move and I will be flying to the ground. I wonder how that would feel like,no weight holding you down just one with the wind. The wind passing through your fingers,I close my eyes and raise my hands to the sides. I wonder what a bird feels when it soars high up in the sky.

"ZENANDE! ZENANDE! ZENANDE!" I hear people screaming.
I slowly open my eyes and look down only to find these Zulu people gathered in the driveway looking at me like I'm about to commit suicide. Now I see why even these ancestors take me for a ride,they all think I'm stupid.
"Makoti let me help you" Siphephelo says grabbing onto my arm.
When did he get up here so fast? I let him lead me further away from the edge. He exhales slowly and sits down by the fireplace opening. I quietly sit next to him. We sit like that for a while just looking at the beauty that surrounds us.

"How is he?" I finally ask.
My voice even sounds hoarse.
"He is a fighter. They say he is stable now,we got to see him" He says.
I nod my head and he keeps quiet.
"He used to tell me about how you two would sneak away from your nanny just to come and chill here" I say after a while.
"Yeah those were the days" he says chuckling.
"I hoped our son would also find peace here" I say.
He keeps quiet for a while.
"Look Zenande I'm so sorry about your loss,I have been trying to work out what to say to you but I know that nothing we say to you can make you feel better,nothing will takeaway the pain that you feel. All I want you to know is that you are not alone in this,I also lost a nephew and a successor,grooming him into a fair king was my responsibility. We all have lost and I hope you realise that maybe not today but sometime down the line. We are all hurting and Zano being in a coma is not easy also" he says.
I nod my head as I wipe away the silent tears streaming down my face. He comes closer to me a gives me a side hug. I hope he is there for Zano when he wakes up because he is going to need him,he lost two of his unborn babies what more could a man take.
"Can I go see him tomorrow?" I ask.
"Of course! You don't even have to ask" he says.
"After visiting him I'm going back to Joburg to sort out a few things and then I will be back" I say.
"Which things?" He asks.
Spoken like a true Zulu. That's what Zano would have asked first. I chuckle and shake my head.
"School,I'm still a student don't you remember?" I ask.
"Oh eish I totally forgot" he says laughing sheepishly.
"Yeah I also forgot a lot has been happening" I say.
"You can go,this is your home not a cage" he says standing up and also helping me up.

This will never be my home,I think to myself as we climb back down.

UNEDITED!!!