Zenande Okhethiweyo

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I have found home! In the arms of the one that brings warmth to my heart,peace to my mind and a smile to my face. There is tranquility in every breath he takes that matches mine perfectly,in his eyes I can see a reflection of what I try to hide away. This home over looks calm waters under the most beautiful sunset. But it all seems to good to be true,I can't help but feel it's the calm before the storm that I was warned about.

Last night Zano just barged in without saying a word and held me close to him as he drifted to sleep,the way he looked last night you would swear he is a drug addict.
He looks so peaceful I don't even have the heart to wake him,I glance at the time it's 7:00am,I have a class in 3 hours. Isn't he going to work today? I think to myself as i trace his handsome face with my finger. This man is beautiful,Dudu will have the most beautiful child in the world with a father like this,I think to myself and smile. Zano's eyes slowly flutter open and he pulls me even closer so that we are spooning. We look into each other's eyes for a while,our eyes are having a conversation of their own. Bab Cele's words flood back into my mind
"Ezinye izinto siziboniswa ukuthi sizilungiselele uma zenzeka. Loku okubonile angeke kuvimbe okuzoyenzeka,wena khumbula ukuthi uthando luyamsindisa umuntu nalo" I close my eyes and feel tears slowly move down my face. How can me loving Zano prevent that vision from becoming reality? He is also so distant I don't know how to talk to him and then there are days where he just does what he did last night. It's been a long and devastating month for me,he didn't even wish me a happy Valentine's Day but from Dudu's posts on Whatsapp he went all out for her. He doesn't call me,when he does call he keeps quiet and then hangs up after a minute. He last texted me last year,I got angry,hurt,sad and then built a bridge and got over it. I would have gone totally insane if it wasn't for the boutique and school. We are officially opening our doors at the beginning of the new month and I'm so excited about it.
"Ucabangani?" He asks in his sleepy voice as he wipes my tears away.
Our noses are touching and I can feel his breath on my lips. I'm sure I'm back to being a virgin,I can't remember the last time he got intimate with me. I miss him. All of him.
"Something is not right about us" I say to him in a hoarse voice.
He moves his hands from my face and moves back,looking at me properly.
"Usho ukuthini Sphesihle?" He asks flatly.
I let out a deep breath,I hope I don't regret this.
"Zano our relationship is no longer the same ever since you payed lobola do you realize that you are no longer the man I know?" I say to him trying not to sound like a whining teenager.
He sits up from the bed and massages his head.
"Maybe you never knew me. This is me!" He says angrily and gets up from the bed.
I look at him with my mouth wide open,I can't believe what he just said.
"I know you Zanothando! Something is wrong with you" I yell at him.
I realize my mistake by his glare and look down. I get up from the bed and walk to his side.
"My love what's wrong? Do you realize that we haven't been intimate for two whole months now?" I say softly holding on to his hand.
Inwardly praying that he opens up so that we can find a solution to whatever that is eating him up so badly.
"Ucabanga loko? Sphesihle stop acting like you know me because awungazi. I did what I had to do to get you to agree to this ancestor nonsense but I see you have mistaken my efforts for loving you" he says pulling his hand angrily from me and putting his t-shirt on.
I feel like I can't breathe. I move back a bit because I feel like I'm gonna fall,luckily I bump into the bedside table and balance myself against it.
"Sewukhalelani manje? Angisho bewufuna iqiniso?" He says standing up to get his keys and phone from my desk.
I wipe away my tears but the river doesn't stop. I didn't even realize I was crying.
"Angikaze ngakthanda Zenande,I love Dudu the mother of my kids,she is the only one that has a right over me. Wena you are a duty I had to fulfill and I did. So stop expecting me to love you because you were bulldozed into my life. Ngiyathemba siyezwana" he says closing the door behind him and not even glancing back at me even once.
I can't help but let out a heart clenching cry. My legs fail to keep me up so I fall on to the floor with my knees. I can't seem to get enough air into my lungs,my heart feels like a hole has just been burnt into it and my head feels hot from all the crying.
He played me. I love him and he loves her. I'm just a burden to him,He doesn't see me the way I see him. I scream my lungs out pulling at my hair. I need all of these thoughts to stop,I need the pain to stop. I slowly get up from the floor and walk to the kitchen. I take out a bottle of wine and open it and gulp down the contents from the bottle. Right now I'm grateful for Rea and her love for alcohol but I wish she bought something stronger than this.
Is this what heartbreak is? I feel like my heart has been ripped out of my chest. My hand instinctively moves to my heart and I cry even louder. The only man I will ever love has broken me. He played with my feelings and like the fool that I am,i willingly became his puppet. How stupid am I? Thinking that he could ever love me. I push the vase with flowers on the counter to the floor in anger and it shatters into pieces like my heart. The poor flowers have nowhere to go but the trash just like me. I gulp down the wine from the bottle. I never liked flowers but he made me love them. I walk over the broken vase and pick up the bunch of red roses.
"He played me!" I yell at the roses tearing them apart.
Hoping they feel exactly how I feel.
The petals join the broken glass on the floor and I weakly sit down on the floor and bury my head on my knees and cry.

After an hour or two the tears subside and my eyes feel heavy from all the crying. I hear the door open.
"ZEE?" Rea yells after closing the door and probably walks to my room because she gets less loud with every step she takes.
"Hhayibo Zee!" I hear Buhle yell out.
I don't even bother lifting my head to her.
"REA BRING THE FIRST AID KIT!" She yells.
I feel both her hands pulling me up by my shoulders.
"Mngani kwenzenjani?" She asks pure concern showing on her face.
I try to open my mouth but nothing comes out only tears. She hugs me and let's me cry as she rubs my back.
"Why do you need the kit B?" I hear Rea ask.
Buhle moves from me,revealing me to her and Rea gasps.
"Chomi what happened?" She asks rushing to my foot which I didn't even realize got cut by glass.
"I found her next to the broken vase" Buhle tells her as she takes a dustpan and sweeps the glass away.
"Some of the blood has even dried out. She has been sitting there for a while now" Rea says as she works on my foot. I can't even feel the pain of the antiseptic on the open wound.
"She drank the entire bottle of wine" Buhle says while throwing the bottle into the bin.
Rea looks up at her and then back to me.
"Give her a glass of water" she says to Buhle.
She bandages my foot and gets up from her crouching position to help me drink water. I gulp down the entire glass and Rea takes it to the sink.
"Let me walk you to your room,you need to get some sleep" Buhle says.
I shake my head vigorously as fresh tears stream down my face. I don't want to go back to the very room where everything reminds me of him,that's where I gave my virginity to him,that's where he pretended like he loved me and man was he good because he had me fooled.
"Okay let's go to my room" She says again and drapes my one arm over her shoulders making sure that I don't hurt my foot as we walk to her room.
She opens the covers and helps me lie down and then covers me with the blankets.
"Sizokhuluma when you are ready" she says brushing my hair away from my face with her fingertips.
I nod at her and she smiles then heads out,leaving the door open. I cry at how caring and loving they are towards me. I thought what me and Zano had was genuine but he was only selfish. I close my eyes and drift to sleep,wetting Buhle's pillow with all my tears. How I don't wish this not even on my biggest enemy.

UNEDITED!!!