LEFT BEHIND

Chapter 39

"I heard your father passed. I'm sorry for your loss," I said trying to make any sort of conversation. The silence was killing me. We used to be able to have hours of conversation uninterrupted but now I couldn't for the life of me find a single topic to talk about.

Lucas jaw hardened as he looked down. "Yeah..." he didn't say anything else he just slipped his hands in his pocket as he let out a breath. He looked at me before looking away printing me to clear my throat to try and ease at least a little bit of the awkwardness. "So..." he started.

I let out a sigh as I looked back into the hall. I made eye contact with Stacey who gave me a thumbs up with a large toothy smile. I shook my head at her before looking back at Luca who was looking directly at me.

My heart stopped in my lungs at how close we were.

Some nights I woke up out of breath, heart beating erratically from the nightmare I had suffered. And other I woke with tears in my eyes regretting everything I had given up by leaving. But then the image of Luca and his father came to mind. I'd make up scenarios to justify my actions. Of Luca's dad helping him tie his tie. Or tease him about girls. Or making him breakfast. I imagined them happy. I imagined their life to be perfect because that kept me going. The thought of my actions bringing Luca joy filled me up with an unreasonable amount of warmth. But then his earlier words came rushing back.

'the only pain you caused me was leaving'

I had caused him pain. My actions hadn't brought him happiness they had brought him pain.

"You done staring?" Luca asked a small smile forming on his face.

My smile mirrored his. "No give me another minute," I whispered.

"You're creepy," he said softly scrunching up his nose the same way he had done years ago.

"Only for you,"  I whispered back as our faces inched closer and closer. This was wrong. This was so wrong. Yet I couldn't seem to fall out of my trance. I couldn't seem to pull away. His soft brown eyes trapped me as they stared right into my soul making me feel at complete and utter peace.

When has life ever gone how I wanted? I had Luca and I lost him. I was back now and I still couldn't have him. Why? Perhaps I had pissed god off in a past life. Or maybe I massacred a village. I knew I wasn't a good person but I used to be. I used to be and the world was still against me. Whoever said that you get what you give was a fucking liar. I gave all that I had. I gave every part of my heart and soul but all I got in return was hatred. All I got in return was pain. I finally snapped out of it moving away before turning my head making Luca do the same before clearing his throat.

"We should head back inside." He said softly after a few minutes.

I nodded but made no effort to move. Neither did he.

"I have to get back to my brother." he said after yet another few minutes of silence.

My eyebrows furrowed. "You have a brother?" I asked making him nod as he leaned back slightly.

"Half brother but still... his mom died so yeah."
I nodded but still made no effort to move away from his side. His presence brought me peace. The same peace I had felt years ago. Peace was not something I often felt. But Luca had always given me a sense of stability. He was once one of the only constants in my life. I had lost all three. But in a way I had lost three and gained an army.

I guess it was some sort of compensation. The world bad taken away all I had but gave me a family.  Perhaps I should've been thankful. If not for all that had happened I never would've gotten to where I was. So perhaps I should be grateful. I'm not really sure.