Hermitcraft/Empires SMP Oneshots!

Brain empty (incorrect quotes)

Brain?

Empty

New posts?

None

Incorrect quotes?

Yes

Hotel?

Trivago.

__________________

Doc: This date is boring! 

Bdubs: This isn't a date. I said I was going to the store. 

Doc: Then why did you invite me? 

Bdubs: I didnt, I specifically said "don't come with me," then you said, "fuck you Bdubs I'll do whatever I want!

_________

Doc: You are the love of my life and I would do anything within reason to make you happy. 

Bdubs: I would be happy if you ate, stayed hydrated and got a reasonable amount of sleep. 

Doc: I said within reason, Bdubs. How about I murder that guy? *points to Grian*

Bdubs: So murder is in reason but proper self care isn't? 

Doc: Well, duh. What kind of question is that? 

____

Cub: Okay, I'm going to get the wedding cake. 

Scar: Perfect, while you do that I'll check on the ring bear.

Cub: ... 

Cub: You mean ring bearER, right?

Scar: ... 

Cub: Look me in the eyes and tell me you are not going to bring a dangerous wild animal to our wedding.

______

Cub: Smart is attractive. Educate me on something I don't know! 

Scar: The mouth of a jellyfish is also an anus. 

Cub: Stop. 

______

Grian: We have a problem. 

Mumbo: No, YOU have a problem. I have an idiot who keeps making them.

_______

 Grian: I don't know how to tell you this, but... I love you. 

Mumbo: That's great, Grian. Especially considering the fact we've been married for 6 fucking years.

________

Stress: Two brooooos! 

Iskall: Chillin' in a hot tub! 

Stress: Five feet apart 'cause we're not gay! 

Iskall: 

Stress: 

Iskall: *tearing up* 

Stress: Babe, c'mon... 

Iskall: AND HERE YOU REALLY HAD ME THINKING WE HAD SOMETHING. 

Stress: Babe... we're literally straight...

Iskall : *sobbing*  I know!

_________

*Iskall and Stress are in Paris.* 

Iskall: I'm...moved. I...I don't know what it is I'm feeling right now. I feel...destiny? 

Stress: But... 

Iskall: I don't know what it is. I feel like... I just never thought I'd see it with my own two eyes. And here it is. It's just there. It's right in front of me, and...

Stress: This is what you wanted to see? The bridge from Inception? 

Iskall: Yeah. 

Stress: But the Eiffel Tower is behind us, babe. 

Iskall: Yeah, but this is the bridge FROM INCEPTION. 

Stress: Okay, alright.

____

Ex: Are you ready to commit? 

Hels: Like, a crime or a relationship?

________

Hels: Are you trying to seduce me? 

Ex: Why, are you seducible?

________

Beef: I can't take this anymore, someone needs to take me out! 

Etho: In a dating type of way, or an assassination type of way? 

Beef: I don't know, surprise me! 

_______

Beef: So... what would you do if you were in bed with me? 

Etho: Depends. Is your bed comfortable? 

Beef: Yes. 

Etho: I'd sleep.

_____

Lizzie: I have feelings for you. 

Joel: Why? What's wrong with you? Are you sure you're okay?

______

Joel: I want to be with you for the rest of my life. 

Lizzie: Damn, that sounds like a marriage proposal. 

Joel, getting down on one knee: That's 'cause it is.

______

Scott: I'm proud to identify as morosexual. I'm attracted to dumbasses and dumbasses exclusively. Someone asked me what the Spanish word for "tortilla" was once, and now I dream of kissing them under the moonlight. 

Jimmy: What kind of animal is the Pink Panther? 

Scott, already taking off their clothes: God, Jimmy, you're so fucking stupid. 

______

Jimmy: Is something burning? 

Scott, leaning seductively on the counter: Just my desire for you. 

Jimmy: Scott, the toaster is literally on fire.

_________

Joel: I'm hot, I'm tall, I'm gay, and I'm on my theatre kid arc.

_______

Cub: What did you get Scar for their birthday?
Xisuma: I got them a kitten.
Iskall: Really? Me too!
Grian: I also got them a cat.
Mumbo: Looks like we had the same idea.
Stress: Cleo, please tell me you didn't get Scar a cat as well!
Cleo: ...I got them a kitten.
*later*
Scar, in their apartment surrounded by cats and kittens: This is the best birthday ever!