𝐕𝐄𝐍𝐎𝐌

52| C I N Q U A N T A-D U E

ALESSANDRO'S POV
[ one of my favorites ]
listen to the song on top
I suggest headphones
enjoy, xx.

The door swung open, only to reveal my dear mother.

She wrapped her arms around me, pushing me into a hug. I held her for a few seconds before she slowly pulled away. "What took you so long"

But I can't.

I can't talk about this to anyone before her. She needs to know first. She deserves to know first.

I sighed and shook my head, and thankfully, my mother understood. She took a step to the side, allowing me to get in. I didn't leave with any suitcases, I thought it would be a long ride back and forth but who knew I would leave for a whole week, I would be breathing the same air as Gerardo and manage not to kill him right where he stood, right where I could have ended all of this.

I stopped myself before the rage reached and caused more trouble. I need to stay calm for this, I need to stay calm for Akila.

My mother walked us to the living room, I believe everyone was asleep, it's past midnight. I threw my body on the coach, I'm tired, so tired I think I might pass out here. It has been exhausting, all of this thinking, my mind wouldn't let me rest for a moment and it's killing me. I'm emotionally drained that I don't know what will awaken me. And I still have a lot to do, so much I don't want to think about it but I have to.

"Everyone is sleeping, you should get some rest, you look tired" my mothers soft voice broke the silence, I looked at her, she held this worried face I never wish to see. I hate worrying my mother, I hate causing her unease because I know how it feels. I know how it feels to love someone so much that by simply not seeing them, it makes you sick, nervous and concerned. It shakes you, even if they did you wrong, even if they hurt you over and over again.

"She's awake" I let the words slip through my mouth as I pushed myself off the coach. I glanced at my mother one last time to see the worry vanish away, replaced with a soft gaze I love to see. My mother is the kindest human being I've ever known, her eyes held the sweetness of her heart and the warmth of her touch. Sometimes I doubt if I deserve her, that I've done so many horrible things where I don't deserve a mother like her, a mother who sacrificed everything for her son, a mother who let her guard down and happiness away to raise a lonely little boy who needed nothing but the embrace of his mother.

She stood up with the same look on her face. We stayed there for a minute or two, I lost count. Neither of us spoke, we just stood there, allowing the silence to speak words louder than we could ever let out. After what felt like hours, my mother tilted her head to the stairs. I gave her a weak smile before rushing to the stairs.

I felt my mothers eyes on me but now, I only wanted to see her. To hold her tightly in my arms and never let go. It has only been a few days, yet it felt like centuries. I felt every second, every minute I had to live without her, I've experience numerous times what it feels like to be away from her, what it feels like to miss every inch of her body, what it feels like to cry out for her presence, her touch. I've seen and felt so many things with her, both painful and heavenly. And it's painful, so painful to stay away from her that it frightened me. It frightened me how it affect me, how such a normal thing gets to me. It's terrifying. Everyday, every moment when I miss her I go far away and think, think what it would be like if she leaves, she disappears but not the way she does, in a way she can't control, in a way neither of us chose.

What it will be like if I lost her, if I lost my only light, my only hope. Because if I lose her, I lose myself.

I can't imagine a world without her, I can't live a world without her. The days before she was in my life are becoming more blurred day by day, they're travelling so far away that I can't reach them. They're slowly fading away into a void where I would never feel them again. She came into my life and flipped it down upside. I thought it was perfect, I had everything, I owned everything but I struggled. No matter how many times I denied it, how many times I ran away from it, the thoughts always caught me. They caught me and tied me up so ruthlessly, with no mercy. No one disturbed me, no one dared to look at me disrespectfully, no one caused me any trouble nor rage, except for myself. I lived the most luxurious life, a life I could have anything I want, anything I wish for. All of this was my surroundings, but in my head, it was a whole other life, a whole other story locked away from the human eyes. I was trapped, prisoned in my own body, by my own thoughts and mind. Some days the thoughts were light and easy, some days it was pure torture. An endless place, so empty yet full of wonders and fear. A horrifying place where I couldn't escape, where I couldn't find anything, anyone to pull me out, until I found her.