Soon You'll Get Better

47.

47.

Memories of a Broken Boy

-⁛-

Percy POV

I sat on the hill that Annabeth had taken me to before and let out a deep breath. 

Too many memories at once. 

Memories of the broken boy I used to be. 

I closed my eyes, a new memory forming every minute. 

It was there for a minute, and then it was gone. 

They say that it takes time to heal. 

They say that it all comes with time. 

But was this how you really heal?

Put up with all the pain until you finally learn to live with it?

Good and bad memories, what hurts more? 

Good memories were a constant reminder of what I used to have. Of what I will never get back. Of the past that was so long ago. 

Bad memories were a constant reminder of what I still have. Of what I deal with everyday. My struggles. 

Good memories, I decided. Those hurt more. 

I was tired of running. Tired of the person I was forced to become. 

Have you ever looked at the sky and wondered what it would like to be a bird?

What it would be like to fly? To leave all your bad memories behind and start over? 

I did. All the time. 

Too bad I was scared of heights. 

I shook my head, my mind relapsing the conversation this morning with her.

"You can try your best a million times, but that doesn't change who you are. You'll always be the boy who got kicked out of every single school he went to. The boy whose father couldn't care enough to stay for. The boy who got bullied. The boy who just sits in the background hoping people would forget." 

"And then you came here, and you had a chance to start over. And you took it. You worked your way up the social ladder, becoming extremely popular. You hide your emotions with jokes. You had your chance and your glory for a little while, and now, you'll just go back to the boy you used to be. The boy who wasn't good enough. You're a disgrace. You're broken. Stop trying so hard to make everyone love you, Jackson. You're broken, learn to live with it. You accept that and your whole life becomes easier." 

A tear slid down my face. Annabeth had told me not to believe her, but I did. Hannah knew things about me that I've never told others. I trusted her and now she was using it against me. 

Is this what I get for trusting? 

Is this what I get for letting people in? 

But she was right. I was broken. 

I was a coward, to scared to face my feelings so I buried them deep where no one could touch them. 

I was alone. 

After all, who isn't alone? 

The people experiencing the most pain tend to be the ones who are always trying to make others smile.

Was that true?

For me. Yes. 

I tried so hard to make everyone else happy. But what was in it for me?