𝐇𝐈𝐒 𝐖𝐈𝐅𝐄

𝟏𝟐

It has been a couple days since I've last seen Giovanni, last time we were together he had a damn gun pointed at me for no damn reason, simply walking away after and never appearing again.

Now I'm mostly with Akira, I've never gotten the chance to talk to her before but now that I did, I can see that she is quite a nice person.

Way nicer than Giovanni is at least.

She also used katanas and other types of blades, saying that they were the best weapon that someone could ever use and honestly, I totally agreed.

Her bright green eyes looked welcoming and warm, she is the kind of person that you feel like you can trust with your deepest secrets, but taking in that we're in a mafia and she is known for killing without anyone noticing. I wouldn't trust that feeling.

What I've learned until now with this whole thing is that if you don't be careful and trust the wrong people, you'll end up dead. If you're not strong enough to protect yourself, you'll end up dead. If you mess up with the wrong people, you'll end up dead.

It's like a constant fight with life as it goes on, right at this moment, I'm learning how to keep myself alive.

It was nighttime now and I was tired from training with Akira, there were a couple small cuts on my body from the times that I didn't dodge in time and Akira ended up hitting me with the blade. They didn't hurt much though.

Walking to the bathroom, I slowly took off my clothes, trying not to hurt myself even more than I already was. The cuts started to sting now that I was moving around and taking the fabric that was covering them, the pain aching through my whole body as I looked at myself in the mirror.

Besides the old scars that I already had, there were now a few other cuts on my torso. The biggest one being right under my boob, making its way down and almost reaching my belly button in an almost straight line.

I wonder if mamma and papà have ever wondered how my physical health is... I haven't seen them in a while either so it's not like I can just chat with them like we did before.

I miss the old times where I would spend hours telling them about how my day had been, a smile on my face and shiny eyes. Now we don't even talk anymore, the smile that was once planted on my lips disappeared and all of the shining went away with it.

There are no more happy moments to talk about, my day is now a repeating loop of getting cut and cutting someone or something.

My parents aren't here for me anymore and it's not like Mamma has always been, but I expected Papà to be by my side during these moments.

Even my body was giving up on me since I haven't been taking good care of it either, I was getting skinnier and my bones were now more visible on my chest and waist area. My shoulders looked like they were just bones and my arms were getting on their way to looking exactly the same.

My different colored eyes had bags underneath them from the lack of sleep that I had been having, and my legs almost couldn't handle my own weight.

Tomorrow instead of going to train with Akira and leave with her a little bit of the life that I have left, I'm going to stay home in my room and see if I can feel better. Each time I leave my room and go into the basement that I had never known existed, I feel like a piece of me gets lost into the darkness of that place that has a smell too close to death.

I went into the shower after turning on the hot water, embracing the pain as the water burned my skin and made my cuts twinge.

Something inside of me asked me to feel the pain so that at least I could be sure that I could still feel anything, even if it was this agonizing pain.

This whole thing was making me embrace a certain darkness that I never knew that existed, it's scary and terrifies me.

At this moment, the unknown terrifies me.

.   .   .

It was supposed to be a day where I was going to rest, maybe go for a walk in the nearest park or something like that, but instead I simply put on the first thing that I saw and looked comfortable and laid down in bed.

Toxic thoughts are filling my head, taking away everything good that ever was in there, only leaving a trace of regret behind.

I forgot to warn Akira that I wasn't going to train with her today and she spammed my phone with calls but I couldn't manage to move myself from bed as I heard the annoying ringtone of the iphone and saw the skin shining.

It had been hours since we were supposed to meet. It's night time now, I have no idea what time it is, but some stars are shining in the dark sky.

She might be worried. Probably not. Tomorrow when I see her again, I'm probably going to explain that I wasn't feeling too well so I just didn't come, it might not be a good excuse but it's all I have for now.

It feels like my body doesn't want to move, while my mind is yelling for it to do something. It 's tiring. Assisting the long and painful fight between my mind and body, as my eyes stare at the white ceiling of my room.

Tears want to fall down but they won't, as if by mind is convinced that if they touch my skin it will burn, that burning sensation would make me yell and I can't make noise so that they don't find out that something is wrong. Or else I would have to explain what is going on.

And that is something that even I can't do, never being able to find the right words to say how I feel.

Why do I even want to cry? I don't know. I just want to get this weight out of me, I don't care how hard it is or how painful it might be, as long as I'll have myself back when it ends.

Maybe if I had someone to talk to it would be way easier, I haven't seen my friends from school in forever, Akira doesn't seem like the person who would sit down and talk about feelings and after what happened with Giovanni I'm not sure if I can trust her.

Giovanni...

We seemed to be getting along well, he was helping me in his own way and it looked like we were getting close, in a friendly way, but then out of sudden he did what he did.

And now is gone.

Maybe if he had pulled the trigger, it would be way easier for everyone, not having me on the way to make things harder and more dramatic...

Yeah it sounds like the world would be a better place if I wasn't here...

the chapter is kinda short I know but its mostly just to fill in how Anna is feeling right now <3