Since We Were 14 ~ Lams

27.

"How is he?" Alex asked softly to Martha, over the phone. The two didn't really hang out or talk but when it came to a situation with John, talking to one another had to happen.

Martha shook her head, even if Alex couldn't see. "He doesn't leave my bed. I've taken over the couch and sometimes I'll wake up at random times and just hear him sobbing. He's asleep right now but I know when he gets up it's just going to be even worse." She whispered, frowning as she mixed together he coffee.

"Yeah... today's going to be so hard for him." Alex frowned, shaking his head. "And he was so excited for it. Now it's probably going to be the worst day of his life."

"Yeah, it will be." Martha whispered. "The seventeenth of July... he had been waiting for the day for so long."

"How long do you think it'll be until he goes back to their apartment?" Alex asked, frowning softly as he sat on his couch. The baby was asleep but would be up soon.

"I'm not sure." Martha frowned. "It may take him weeks."

"How long are you going to be able to keep him? He can come over here if you need a break or when you have to go to work." Alex suggested.

"Thank you, Alex. I may take you up on that soon. The hospital is missing two doctors right now so I should get back sometime soon." Martha sighed softly. "Oh- god, John's up. I'm gonna go bring him some breakfast. I'll talk to you later, alright?" She said, hearing movements from the bedroom.

"Of course. Bye Martha." Alex said before hanging up. He leaned his head back and sighed, just wanting his friend to be alright again.

Martha grabbed the plate of food and the cup of coffee before knocking on her bedroom door and entering.

"Hey, John." Martha said quietly, giving him a small smile. "I brought you some breakfast." She said.

John shook his head. "I don't want to eat right now." He said, bringing his knees up and laying his head on them.

Martha sighed softly. "John, you've barely eaten the last week. Come on, try and eat for me." She said.

John looked at her. His eyes, that previous glistened with happiness and love seem to only be full of sadness and pain. It hurt to see.

After a moment, he nodded and ate for his friend, trying not to have her hurt anymore. John was so grateful for everything she had done for him the last week and he didn't want her to be anymore worried than she was.

"It's Tuesday." John whispered.

Martha frowned a bit and nodded. "I know, Johnny. How're you feeling?" She asked.

John looked down at his piece of toast and shrugged. "I'm just... I don't... it..." he kept starting and stopping before sighing and shaking his head.

"My heart just... it hurts like I never thought it would hurt. I just- it hurts as much as my mother. I feel so empty and that I'm out of tears but they keep spilling out. I feel like my whole world just ended and I have nothing left. I feel like... I feel like it was all my fault." John's voice cracked a bit.

"It should have been me. I should have been the one in that car. I'm the one who cheated on him and I'm the one who caused everything to be so delayed. I caused him so much pain and just- he never did anything and I ruin everything. I don't get it! I don't understand why he had to go! Why couldn't I leave instead!? Why couldn't I have been the one leaving to pick up dinner? I just- I don't deserve to be here!"

John sobbed loudly as Martha pulled him in her arms, holding him to her chest. She didn't say anything, just letting John cry it out.

"You are here for a reason, alright? You aren't a terrible person and you deserve to be here." Martha explained, kissing John's cheek and wiping his tears.

"Why Francis was taken is something that we will never understand. But you're still here. And you're here for a reason."

"What you're going through is something just... it's something I can't imagine. But even if I can't understand, I'm gonna be here, okay? I'm gonna make sure nothing happens to you and that you will be okay. Because you're special, John Laurens. You're the greatest person I've ever met. And that's never going to change."

John nodded softly, closing his eyes and sniffling. He leaned into Martha's touch as she cupped his face and rubbed his cheek.

"Thank you, Martha. I love you. So much." John whispered after several moments of silence.

"Don't thank me. I'm just telling you the truth. And the truth shouldn't be hidden." Martha explained before kissing her friends cheek gently. "And I love you so much."

"I can't..." John paused and took a deep breath to calm himself. "I can't even imagine the funeral. I don't want to go but I know I need to."

Martha nodded. "Yes, baby. You do. He loved you and he would want you there." She said, taking his hand gently.

John squeezed his eyes shut to stop from crying again. "Yeah. I know. It's just... the funeral just really makes this all real. I mean, it's going to be the last time I see him again. There won't be no next time. I'll have to live the rest of my life as him just being a memory and going to the funeral really just, it makes it all too real." He started to breath a bit heavy.

Martha gently rubbed his arms, worried for her friend. She got his breathing to calm before he reached another panic attack. "Memories aren't a bad thing. He's there. He's protecting you. It won't be the last time you see him. Think of it as just a little break until your souls are reunited." She said.

"Maybe." John shrugged, closing his eyes.

"I just don't want to wait to be reunited."