Since We Were 14 ~ Lams

17.

"Oh my fucking god. Oh my fucking god." John panicked as he walked to Martha's apartment.

John was banging on the door, breathing heavy.

"Who the fuck is at my door banging like they fucking own the building." Martha mumbled, walking out from her room and tying her rob, being interrupted from her hook up.

"Of course it's you-" Martha said as she opened the door. "You good? You look like a hot mess."

"No- I'm not." John said, still breathing heavy and panicking.

"Okay. How long this gonna take? I was about to get pussy before you started banging on my door like a fucking manic." Martha mumbled.

"Martha- please." John said. "I really need to talk to you."

"Okay, okay." Martha nodded, allowing him in. "Give me a minute." She mumbled, going to the room and telling her hook up that they needed to do a rain check. The hookup then left and Martha got dressed in some actual clothes before joining John on the couch.

"What's up?" Martha asked.

"I did something bad. Really bad." John said, sitting his elbows on his knees and covering his head.

"What did you do?" Martha asked, raising an eyebrow and crossing her arms a bit.

"I slept with Alex." John mumbled, feeling ashamed of himself. He really hated what he had done.

"You did what!?" Martha said, moving to look at John. "John!" She scolded.

"I know! He just- you know he's been trying to get me to sleep with him and we got in like a small argument because he hates Francis and doesn't want me to marry him and so we were like kind of fighting and then I just- I just had the urge to kiss him and I did and it went on from there!" John said, panicking still.

"God- I cheated on him. Jesus fucking Christ I cheated on him!" John's breathing hitched.

"Hey, hey, calm down, deep breaths." Martha said, rubbing his back.

John tried to listen but it was hard. Martha was coaching him, trying her best to calm him down. It took a while but eventually, John's breathing slowed down.

"Tell me about the fight, Johnny." Martha said softly, running her fingers through his curls to help him remain calm.

"Alex was telling me that he was sending over divorce papers to Eliza and taking her to court for custody of the child. And I just said I was happy for him and glad he wasn't holding himself back. Then he said I was holding myself back. I said no, he said yes, and I asked how. He said I was settling for someone I don't love because I am afraid. He said I was holding myself back by doing that and I told him no, I am marrying a kind man and he brought up that I didn't love him. He then said that he and Eliza were really finished this time and I said I didn't want to talk about it. He then said that I needed to talk about it because I had been pushing it off for so long. Then I like snapped and went off on him about how I have been in love with him for so long and that I found someone who actually loves and cares for me and that I wasn't gonna throw it away. Then we just stared at each other in an awkward silence before I just- I don't know why but I just kissed him."

"Wow." Martha said softly, nodding a bit. "That was a lot." She laughed softly.

John nodded. "Yeah." He mumbled.

"Okay, and how are you feeling now?" Martha asked.

"Cheap." John admitted. "And just... so much guilt. Francis is just... he's so trusting and I just broke that trust. I did something I promised I'd never do on anyone and I just feel so terrible about it."

"Well, it's good you feel that." Martha said.

She then smacked him against the head, not enough to hurt, but enough to get the point across. "You should not have done that and you're a hundred percent in the wrong. I love Francis. He's good for you. He's been nothing but good to you." She stated. "Alexander just randomly deciding he wants sex- not even a relationship, just sex- should not ruin your relationship with Francis. You are happy with him and he loves you. You know that. Alexander- Alex can go and move on from Eliza in other ways."

"You are acting like my mom." John mumbled. "Especially when you hit me over the head."

"Good." Martha said. "You need some tough love right now."

"You can be there for Alex. But as a friend. Not as a partner. Act like this never happened. You're going to get married and you're going to have your family. Alex is going to be your best friend and nothing more, okay?" Martha said, fixing John's collar a bit.

John nodded softly after a moment. "I got it." He promised. "Thank you."

"No problem. You know I love you and want what's best for you. And I really think Francis is what's best for you. I think he's been helping you get over Alex slowly. You talked about him less before the whole Eliza cheated on Alex thing. I think you were falling in love with Francis." Martha told him.

John shrugged. "I don't know." He mumbled.

"I know." Martha smiled. "Boys are always so unaware."

"This is like the first time you ever told me how you actually felt about any problem I have." John laughed softly.

"Yeah, I know. I like you guessing." Martha replied jokingly.

"No, I just don't want you to think you need to rely on my opinions all the time so I try not to to give them. I'm here to listen. But I don't want you to throw away something good you have." Martha said.

John nodded. "Yeah... that wouldn't be good."