Since We Were 14 ~ Lams

8.

John Laurens is emotional wreck

"John." Martha said, snapping John out of his daze.

"Huh?" John wiped his head around, looking at his friend.

"You seem out of it. What's wrong?" Martha asked.

John shrugged, moving back to look at the babies. "Just... I don't know. I feel so lost right now."

"Do you wanna go home?" Martha asked, going and cupping John's face, rubbing his cheek with her thumb. John leaned into her touch. "I want to but that wouldn't be very responsible." He said softly.

"It wouldn't be responsible for you to stay either. Let's just see if you can go, yeah?" Martha said softly.

John nodded softly and closed his eyes for a moment, breathing softly. He pulled away and kissed Martha's cheek. "You're the best." He said.

"I know. Now you go see if you can go home." Martha patted his cheek. "I'll call you after I get off." She promised. John nodded and gave her a small smile before leaving.

His supervisor said it was okay for him to leave, it would just use one of his personal days. John agreed and left, going home and crawling into his bed. It was pitch black in the room and he was hugging his pillow.

Martha came over a few hours later. She brought her copy of Clueless and some ice cream, as well as a bottle of Peach Crown.

She let herself in John's apartment and went to his room, knowing he'd be in there. She turned on the light, to which John groaned and shoved his face between the pillow and the bed.

"Aww, Johnny, don't be like that." Martha laughed and climbed in the bed with her stuff. "I brought ice cream." She said.

"Chocolate chip cookie dough?" John asked through his pillow.

"Yes, hun. Chocolate chip cookie dough." Martha laughed. John moved the pillow and sat up, grabbing the ice cream and spoon. "Thank you." He mumbled as he took a bite.

"Of course. You seemed extra sad today and I wasn't going to leave you alone to sulk in your own sadness." Martha assured. John laughed softly.

"So, do you wanna tell me what's wrong?" Martha asked, opening her ice cream and eating it as well.

John shrugged a bit. "I just... I feel so lost right now. I mean, Francis is... he's perfect and he has been so patient and sweet this last month and a half. He calls me and he makes sure I'm doing okay and feeling alright. He helps me clean up when he's over and he has just been... amazing." He said, taking a bite of his ice cream.

"And when I look in his eyes, I know he loves me. I can see it. And I just... I know he isn't going to say it for a while because I said things were moving too fast last time but I just... I don't feel that way. I like him. I like him a lot. But in more of a best friend way."

"And then... there is Alex. We hadn't talked in a bit and then he came over the other day because him and Eliza were arguing. He had woken me up from a really big depression nap and could tell something was wrong. And he touched my arm and I got flustered and felt butterflies and I told him I'd have to tell him in the future and he said okay and then he started complaining about Eliza and he said he wished she was more like me."

"He said I was sweet and kind. He said I was the only person who makes sure he doesn't stress himself out. He feels safe sharing his feelings with because I'm the only one who doesn't get mad at him over it. He said I was an amazing person and that he just wished Eliza was just like me. And that just... it just messed me up so bad." John said, laying his head on Martha's shoulder.

Martha nodded along with John's rambling. "Go back to Francis, baby. Talk about him some more." She instructed.

"Francis is just everything. He is everything good in one person. And I need to love him. I know I do because I can't get any better than that. He's just... I can't describe how incredible he is. And I feel terrible for leading him on but I'm really trying to love him. I wish I could love him instead of Alex. I wish I could so bad but I'm still in love with that dumbass from high school." John sighed a bit.

"I feel like I should just give up on love. It feels so fake at this point. I don't get it and I don't understand why I have to deal with this. I just... I can't understand it." John shook his head.

"You could always just say fuck men and sleep around. It's quite fun, to be honest." Martha said, causing John to laugh softly and wipe under his eyes.

"No, but seriously, Johnny, it's going to be okay. You just need to try and relax. Things will work itself out, you just need to trust in time, alright?" Martha said.

"I've been trying but I just keep feeling like I'm being put back in square one each time." John said.

"That's okay. Sometimes even trusting the universe can feel like shit. But you will be alright. I'll make sure of it." Martha kissed his temple gently.

"Now, let's watch clueless in our underwear's and get drunk."