Since We Were 14 ~ Lams

23.

Alex yawned tiredly as he gently rocked Philip. He was tired, having only had a few hours of sleep the night before.

Philip was a week and a half old at this point and he had already placed a permanent spot in Alexander's heart. He wanted to protect this child with his life. He was his whole world.

There was a knock at the door so Alex put the baby in his crib to rest for a moment while Alexander answered the door.

"Hey." Alex smiled to John. "Hey, Lex." John smiled. "I just wanted to come check up on you and meet my nephew."

"Come in." Alex said, allowing John in the apartment. John nodded and entered, going and sitting on the couch and smiling to the kid.

The two had been talking a bit over the phone but their relationship wasn't the same. They seemed to be slightly broken, like they were drifting apart but didn't want to.

Honestly, they were both devastated by it.

John hadn't yet come over to see Philip, having been busy with Francis. They were attending couples therapy regularly while still working and planning the wedding. It was honestly a bit stressful but John knew it was for the better.

"Hi, baby Pip!" John cooed to the baby in the crib. "You can pick him up." Alexander assured, sitting on the couch next to John.

John smiled and nodded, picking up the child and cradling him in his arm. John babbled to the child, overwhelmed with joy.

John had always wanted a family. He talked about it all the time and that was the big reason he started dating Francis again in the first place. He couldn't wait much longer. He wanted a kid to call his own.

"He's so precious." John told Alex.

"Yeah, he is. He's absolutely perfect." Alex smiled before moving off the couch to take a picture of John and Philip. In all honesty, seeing John hold Philip made Alex realize how in love he was with the man.

Seeing John with his son made him imagine their life together. He couldn't help but see him and John, living in a nice home. They would have two kids and a dog. They would be so in love and their home would just be so homey. They'd raise these kids and they'd do it together.

Seeing Philip in his loves arms made Alex understand how badly he wanted that. "God... I love you." He slipped out, not meaning to say it.

John swallowed hard and looked at Philip. "Alex..." he said softly but was interrupted before he could continue.

"No- I know, I'm not going to try and get you to cheat on Francis. I'm not going to repeat those things I've said in the past. You've made it clear that you do love him and want to be with him. It isn't fair for me to hold you back from happinesses." Alexander explained.

"But, I just need you to know. I can't- I can't continue without you understanding how much I care and love you. I mean- John I'd love to start a family with you. I'd love to raise Philip with you. And I know that you want to do that with Francis and that's fine. I just need you to know the way I feel about you." Alex finished, sighing softly.

John frowned and shook his head, putting Philip in the crib since he was asleep now.

"Alex, I don't understand what you want me to say to that-" John started before Alexander, once again, cut him off.

"You don't need to say anything." Alex explained.

John laughed a bit and shook his head. "No because I do! I have to say something because you just spilled your heart out to me!" He stated.

"Like- Alex, I adore you. You're my best friend and my first love and you'll always have a special place in my heart, but I'm finally over you. Can't you just- please- let me live in peace? Let me marry Francis and let me start my family without you constantly telling me you love me in a more than friend way. I mean- I never once said anything when you were with Eliza because it's hurtful! You keep- you get in my head and you won't get out and you make me question my feelings all the time and I can't- I can't do it anymore. I can't keep hearing your voice giving me second thoughts on marrying someone I love!"

"John..." Alex said. "I'm not- I don't mean to get in your head-"

"Then what's the goal of this? What's the point of you telling me how you feel and when you would constantly bring up how we slept together once and could easily do it again? What's the point of all of that if not to get in my head?" John asked.

"I-I don't know! I just, I felt like I needed to tell you what was going on! I couldn't keep it a secret." Alex explained.

"I can't talk about this right now- I can't do this. It's too much. I'm too stressed and you're gonna cause me to fucking explode." John started to tear up, standing up and grabbing his thing.

"John-" Alex reached for his hand, not wanting him to leave. John quickly retracted and moved his hand away. He walked out the door, quietly letting out a sob as he left the apartment.

Alex looked shocked, upset, and confused at what happened. He looked over at Philip, who was sleeping peacefully. He frowned and sat on the couch, looking at his baby like he was all Alex had left.