hopefully helpful marvel oneshots

*Nat Reader

WARNINGS: use of safe word, panic, suicidal thoughts, triggered attempt, self harm, cutting, suicide, scars, panic attack

REQUEST: Use of safe word
   (Private)

***

You and Nat had come up with multiple 'safe words' for different situations and over the last three years with her, they had been used and dealt with differently according to each situation and word. One word neither of you had used was ' red '. Red meant that you were having thoughts to hurt yourself or attempt suicide - it had come up in conversation at the time due to both of yours pasts and chance of something triggering either of you. 

It was Wednesday, so that meant compound meeting then movie night - or 'family night' as Tony refered to it as. It was a night where the whole team got together and it took alot to get out of. 

Earlier in the day you'd been going through some old boxes, sorting through what you could get rid of to give you more space, when you found a letter addressed to you. You opened it, reading over it a few times to be sure it said what it said. Your body slumped back against the wall as your mind ran in circles about what you'd just read; it brought back so many memories, leading into flash backs and a spiral that you wouldn't be able to bring yourself out of and - 
N:" Y/NNN!!! DARLING, THE MEETING STARTS IN FIVE!" 

Nat shouted you from across the landing, you stared into space for a few seconds before pulling yourself together, putting on a smile and walking out. You and Nat walked down to the meeting room and sat in your normal seats next to each other. But you couldn't focus on the meeting as your mind played flash back after flash back, bringing up memories you'd suppressed long ago. 
Your spiral of thought was broken by Steve's angry voice
S:" Y/N! Are you even listening to me?!" 
You looked towards him " Huh?" 
S:" Do you even know what I've said?" 
y/n:" Sorry, I'm listening" 
Your voice was emotionless and distant, which Nat picked up on straight away but by the time she looked towards you, you were looking back down at the ground. Nat looked back up and around the room catching Clint's eye, he pulled a face towards her, motioning to you, with a silent question - they alright?. To which Natasha just shrugged, not knowing the answer herself. 

As the meeting went on your thoughts grew louder and more self degrading. At the end of the meeting Steve turned to you 
S:" So y/n, what was the meeting about?" 
You looked up at Steve not knowing what to say, but when you tried talking no sound came out. You just sat there with your mouth slightly open, panic rushed through you. You looked towards Nat hoping she would get the message and step in for you, as she opened her mouth to speak Clint spoke up
C:" C'mon man, you can clearly see there's somethign going on. Leave it" 
Steve held up his hands and turned around after getting a death glare from Nat. 

Once everyone moved to the movie room and got settled on various bean bags, couches and pillow chairs around the room the movie was about to start. 
STEVE:" We're watching a horror film" 
Your head shot up and you looked around nervously but you couldn't object to watching the movie, knowing even if you did you would get overrules and end up watching it. 
The movie started and was about 10 minutes in when the first jump scare happened, you turned away from the screen and nusseled your face into Natasha's neck. Decideing this is where you were going to stay for the rest of the movie, you got comfortable. As the movie went on you could hear the screams and cries for help, which caused you to get up, mumbling something about needing the bathroom to Nat you walked out. 

You sat on the bathroom floor holding your hands in your hair tugging at it and heavy tears rolled down for face. The screams of the movie girls merged with the screams of your family as it replayed over and over in your head. Without calming yourself or hiding your panic you walked straight out of the bathroom and into the movie room. You walked as fast as you could towards Nat, she took one look at you and stood straight up holding her arms out to you. As she did this she caught the attention of Clint and Wanda who looked over concerned.