away; b.e.

Chapter 89

I adjust my tie in the mirror.

"Hey Em, you ready?" Jackie walks up behind me. I nod.

We walk out to the living room where Dad, Julian, Paige, Rylie, and Lauren were all sitting on the couch.

"Let's go," I say.

Everyone gets up and puts on their masks and we go down to our cars and drive to the cemetery.

~

"Amaya and I, we were married for 23 years. She was the love of my life. I'll never forget when I first saw her. I was at my tailor getting a suit fixed for an event for the hospital and she walks into the room and everything just stopped. I felt my heart practically beat out my chest," dad chuckled.

"She comes up to me and looks at my suit and it's stitching but then walks away and starts flipping through the appointment book. And i'll never forget this, she said 'don't go with black, it's not your color, go with blue. Also, no i'm not interested so you can close your mouth before a fly goes down your esophagus,'. From that moment on, I knew she would be the one that I'd have a family with. I will forever miss her," Dad turns to the grave.

"Till death does us part. Till forever falls apart," he says.

My leg continues to bounce as I'm sitting in a man spread position. Jackie rubs my back and I smile weakly at her.

Julian goes up and says his speech and then it was my turn. I walk up to the podium and take out my speech from my pocket. I scan over the letter and I shake my head. I crumble it up and stuff it back into my pockets.

"Amaya, I didn't really know her. I was put into the foster care system almost right after I was born. Even after my parents came back into my life, I didn't really talk to Amaya. She called me a sin, she called my now ex-girlfriend a slur but that wasn't her. I didn't know she had a history with using until a few months ago but when she attacked me and my ex-girlfriend, I knew something was off. My dad is the most sweetest and most reliable man on Earth and I knew there was no way he would've married a she-beast. When I started talking to her and really seeing who my mother really was, I became attached if i'm being honest," a few laughs littered across the group.

"She still never saw all my tattoos and she never saw how happy my dog, Charlie, would get whenever she came over. I needed more time with my mom. That's all. Just more time," my voice cracks.

I look over the small crowd and notice Rylie dab a few tears away. I look across the horizon and I see the same familiar face I saw in the airport and at the hospital.

"Ok, that was an amazing speech," the priest said.

He said a couple words and then we actually buried the casket. I put a rose before the casket was lowered.

We walk back to our cars and drive home.

~

"Baby? You ok in there?" Jackie knocks on the bathroom door. I don't respond.

"Can you please open the door? Let me in," Jackie says.

I don't respond. I get up from the floor and open the door slowly. Jackie walks in and closes the door behind her. She takes my face into her hands and looks into my eyes.

"You're not alone. I'm right here and I'll forever be here, no matter what happens between us," she says.

I start tearing and she wipes those tears away and weakly smiles at me.

"I called Lauren over to help maybe distract you," Jackie says.

I nod.

After awhile, Lauren walks into the apartment and comes up to me and hugs me.

She pulls away and sits down next to me in bed.

"You want to maybe write some music?" Lauren asks.

I nod.

We both start writing lyrics and at the end, we show the lyrics to each other.

"I really like this, could we make this a song for my deluxe?" Lauren asks.

"Yeah definitely," I say. I pick up an acoustic guitar and start strumming chords and Lauren mumbled the lyrics until we got something we both liked. After that, I finished composing a beat and we started recording.

I need help
It's so hard to admit when I ask myself if
I need help
I need help
Talk to God
Is anybody out there?
Look at my reflection
Where did you go?
Ask myself
When did this happen?
Ask my thoughts
Why won't you go?
It takes energy to even think
All I know is that I miss the peace, yeah
It takes energy to even think
Takes energy to miss the peace
I need help
It's so hard to admit when I ask myself if
I need help
I need help
I'll be fine
I'll be fine
I need help
It's so hard to admit when I ask myself if
I need help
Do I sink or swim or just tell myself
That I'll be fine
I'll be fine
I need help
Do I sink or swim or just tell myself
That I'll be fine

Lauren takes off the headphones and we listen to what we have and then we just start talking and the thought of my mom almost goes away.

I start sorting my clothes for laundry as I talk to Lauren.

"I honestly need this pandemic to go away already. I need to get married," Lauren groans.

I laugh.

"I am in no rush to get married," I say.

I check my pockets of everything before continuing. I pick up a hoodie and check the pockets and feel paper. My eyebrows furrow and I pull out the letter.

"What's that?" Lauren asks.

"It's a letter my mom wrote the day she died. I found it and read it seconds before I found her," I say.

I hand Lauren the letter and she reads it over.

"Wait, who's Shay?" Lauren asks. I shrug.

"Your guess is just as good as mine," I say.

The door bell rang and I got up and went to the door. I opened it and my jaw dropped.

"Hi."