Pretending

32

We sat on opposite ends of the couch and just stared at each other for a bit. The words I wanted to say swam around in my head. I could feel them itching to get out, but my mouth was being uncooperative.

Jimin spoke first. "So, um Jungkook was really nice today." He looked down at his hands and played with the hem of his shirt. "He told me that he loved you all along. It didn't hurt like I thought it would. I guess the time has helped things. And the distance I've had from him."

He looks back up at me. "I think I get it better now Tae. I was able to not see my ex while I was heartbroken by his actions. You didn't get that. Because of me."

I nodded.

"I want to apologize, but I think it'd be better if instead I let you tell me how you felt about that. Without worrying about my feelings. I promise I won't ignore them this time."

A stupid tear makes its way down my cheek. I almost screamed in irritation. We hadn't even said much, and I was already getting like this. I was not looking forward to the mess I'd be.

I took a shaky breath. "Jimin." I looked at him and felt another tear lazily make its way down my face. I wiped the tears away. "When you told me you loved Jungkook, I felt like I wanted to die. When he told me he loved you, my heart was broken. When you apologized and cried and looked so sad and guilty, I felt guilty to. I hated that you were sad. I made myself okay, or as okay as I could be, with the fact that my boyfriend was leaving me for my best friend."

Jimin's face was unreadable, but at least he was giving me his full attention and listening intently.

"What hurt me the most wasn't that you hurt me in a way that was just plain out cruel and evil. You did it in the nicest way that you can hurt someone. You apologized. You were guilty. You beat yourself up for it. You admitted to your mistakes."

Tears made their way to my eyes again. I ignored them and kept talking.

"It was almost too easy to forgive. Maybe I wanted to hate you. Maybe I wanted you to be a complete asshole about it so that I wouldn't have to feel bad and forgive you so easily. Maybe I wanted not to love you so much that I accepted your actions and acted like everything was fine because I valued your happiness above my own. Maybe that's what I resented the most. The fact that I couldn't resent you. Because how could I be so angry at someone I loved so unconditionally?"

Jimin's eyes were watery now. He stayed quiet and let me continue.

"I think I know better now. I can still be angry at you. I always could. Just didn't allow myself to be."

I take a deep breath and blinked away the tears lingering in my eyes.

"Jimin, I want to tell you right now, that you fucked up. You hurt me so fucking much. You made me spend so many sad days. What I hated the most was that when I was feeling like complete shit, you were the only one I wanted around to comfort me. You were the one I needed. And I hate that you did that to me. You left me having to choose between hating my best friend and losing him or putting up with a clearly fucked up situation."

Jimin looked like he was dead on the inside. Devoid of emotion. I looked into his eyes and saw his regret.

But I didn't stop.

"I hated when you slept with Jungkook. I was upset that I never got to have sex with him and you did. I questioned what was wrong with me. Why Jungkook never fucked me. Why he chose you instead of me. Why you were better. And I thought about it a lot. And I looked at you. And the answer felt clear. Of course he'd want you. You were perfect. I knew this already. Knew this since I was 13 years old and I wanted to kiss you. Then I felt angry again. Angry that Jungkook go to sleep with you. It didn't seem right. You were my best friend. You were my first kiss. I should have been your first time. Of course, I know now that's ridiculous. But that's what I thought. It's weird but I think a lot of the times I was confused over who I was longing to be with. You or Jungkook."