Pretending

13

Lately I had been thinking a lot about things. Reflecting on my emotions. I realized that although for almost two years I was hurting because Jungkook left me for Jimin, it was mostly because I hadn't allowed myself to move on. I forced myself to interact with them and act normal.

Ever since that day that Jungkook tried to start things and I rejected him I found the pain from the breakup to be almost nonexistent. I knew then that I no longer loved Jungkook. I felt liberated. No longer forced to live in agony.

I thought a lot about Yoongi too. I knew that I loved spending time with him. He was funny and cute and perfect. We had sex many times after that first time and went on many other dates. Things felt easy with us. There was nothing complicated about things, and I loved that. We just had a good time together.

I wasn't in love with him though. And that didn't bother me. It was just nice to have someone to share happy moments with.

The only thing I was concerned about was Jimin. That night after he sent me that message I quickly apologized to Yoongi and told him I had to go back to my dorm to cheer up my best friend.

I found Jimin in tears. Jungkook had told him that he didn't love him anymore.

"Tae, why doesn't he love me? What's wrong with me? I feel so confused. I thought he was happy. I thought I made him happy." His sobs clawed into my heart and made everything hurt. I hated seeing him cry.

"Jimin, it's okay sweetheart," I said as I hugged his trembling body. Tears ran down my cheeks as I guiltily thought about how Jungkook seemed to be more interested in me than in Jimin. I would have given anything for Jungkook to choose back then, but now I just wished that he'd stay and make Jimin happy.

"Tae, he's going to break up with me. He's going to leave me. I don't want him to leave me." His voice was so small and broken.

I couldn't think of what I could possibly say to comfort him, so I just hugged him tighter and let him cry into my chest.

Jimin wasn't his usual happy self since that day. He just stayed in bed whenever he didn't have class and most nights he cried in my arms. Jungkook was ignoring him. I wished that he would just break up with Jimin already so that at least he could start moving on.

After two weeks of seeing him be absolutely miserable I decided to try talking to Jungkook. I really didn't want to see him, but I felt like I needed to do this for Jimin's sake.

I was surprised that he didn't ignore my message even after ignoring all of Jimin's attempts to contact him.

We met up at a coffee shop near school.

Jungkook looked like he'd been crying too. It made me feel sad.

"Tae, I've missed you," he said as he pulled me into a hug. I hated every moment of it. It felt wrong.

We ordered our drinks and sat down far away from everyone.

"Jungkook, I just wanted to talk to you about Jimin. He's hurting so much. I don't know why you're ignoring him, but please just talk to him. Break up with him. Don't string him along like this."

Jungkook eyes watered. "Tae, I miss you so much. I messed up. I must have been confused. I should have never left you for Jimin. It's my biggest regret. I know you're messing around with Yoongi right now, but he's not going to make you happy. He doesn't love you like I do."

Angry tears make their way down my cheeks. "Jungkook, why are you being like this? Just leave Jimin and me alone. I don't know what you think is going to happen, but we are not going to get back together."

"Because of Yoongi? Or is it because of Jimin? You don't need to protect him so much. We can be together. Jimin will understand. He-"

"Jungkook, please stop this. I am not going to get back together with you. How many times do I have to tell you that?"

"Why not Tae? You can't pretend like if we weren't happy together."

At the mention of our relationship I felt emotions that I had buried a long time ago begin to make their way back out and with them came even more tears.

"Of course we were happy, Jungkook. I loved you so much. You were my everything. You made me feel better about myself. You were so fun, and I loved every moment with you. But you left me. For my best friend!"

"I know, I know, and I'm so sorry for that Tae. I was such an asshole. I know-"

I cut him off. "No, you do not know. You have no idea how much you broke me. You were supposed to be looking at me. You weren't supposed to be looking at Jimin. You weren't supposed to make me have to watch you be with him when all I wanted was to be with you. You knew how much I loved Jimin. You knew that I would be okay for his sake. And now you're trying to use the fact that Jimin loves me and that he'll suffer through seeing you with me to try to convince me to be with you. But I refuse to let him suffer the way I did. I'm done with you. You're so fucking selfish, Jungkook."

His tears spilled out of his eyes and poured out like rain. "I'm sorry Tae. I'm sorry for everything. I don't deserve you. I don't know what I was thinking then. Jimin was just always there and he was so nice and cute. You were never around, and I confused it with love. I'm not blaming you. I know this is all on me. And I know I'm selfish. But I just can't bear to lose you."

"Jungkook, you already lost me a long time ago." He lowers his head as he starts sobbing. "Look, please just talk to Jimin. He deserves to know it's over." I put my hand on his to try to comfort him. "Jungkook, you made a mistake. But you're still a good guy. You will find someone else and you'll be happy with them."

"I want you," he said. He held on to my hand tightly and cried for a long time. Then he said, "okay, Tae. I'll talk to Jimin. I'm really sorry. I know you probably won't want to see me again anytime soon, but maybe later we can meet again."

I nodded and wiped my tears.

We let go of each other's hands and parted ways for a long time.