Pretending

3

There is no doubt in my mind that Jimin saved my life. Although I have changed a lot from when I was younger, sometimes I still feel how I used to, and I most definitely still remember everything.

I met Jimin when I was in elementary. I thought he was the prettiest little thing ever. I remember how I begged my mom to let him come over for my 8th birthday. My mom was strict, but she reluctantly agreed after I begged my dad to convince her to say yes. To this day I don't know why my mom even had kids. Or why my dad agreed to marry her. I swear she's a demon that escaped from hell. 

When Jimin came over I was elated. We ran around the whole day, with my mom making sure to yell at us every 5 minutes that we were little devils. She made us go back inside and made us promise to behave and not run around anymore. She played a movie for us and left, but of course we didn't listen. We played blindfolded hide and seek in my room, trying to be quiet as possible as to not alert my mom. I ended up breaking a glass that I had on my desk.

It was just a glass cup. Nothing expensive. Just a glass, but I knew better. My mom would surely hurt me if she found out that we broke something while disobeying her. I cried so much and Jimin held me, reassuring me that everything would be fine. I explained to him why it wouldn't and he helped me clean up the glass and hide it so that she wouldn't find out. His hands were cut badly and he had tears in his eyes, but he kept a brave smile for me.

Since that day I knew that he was my hero.

When we were 12 I had a crush on Jimin. He was just so pretty and so nice. I remember I was a bit confused because no one told me that I could like a guy. All the guys I knew were with girls, and I didn't really get why I liked Jimin, other than his obvious beauty.

My mom had allowed Jimin to come over for my 13th birthday. After the first time he had come, she had banned me from having friends over because she said that I didn't know how to behave myself. She decided to give me another chance that time because I was now a teenager and she said maybe I could act more mature. 

I was so happy to have Jimin over that I made sure we behaved like angels. We stayed in my room and watched movies. As I watched the guys kissing girls in the movie I got curious again as to why I liked Jimin. He had really pretty lips. I was just so curious. I knew that maybe Jimin wouldn't want me to kiss him, but he was my best friend and I trusted that he would let me at least experiment with my emotions.

"Jiminie," I called out. 

"Yea?" he said smiling at me.

"Do you think it's normal for a guy to like guys?"

At the question, Jimin looked nervous. "Why do you ask Tae? Do you think it's a bad thing?"

"I don't know. I've never heard of guys like that. But I think I don't like girls." I was so nervous to see his reaction. 

"Tae, I don't like girls either." Jimin looked nervous too. His lips looked so inviting.

I leaned in and pressed my lips against his. At that moment everything felt right. I felt like it was the most perfect movement, well until it got ruined by my mother walking in on us.To say she was upset would be a big understatement. 

She kicked Jimin out of the house and yelled at me while she hit me wherever she could. My dad watched the whole thing, and although he tried to step in and stop my mother, when he learned why she was hitting me, he stopped trying to protect me. The look of disappointment in his face filled me with so much self hatred. 

My mom didn't kick me out of the house. She didn't beat me every day and called me names. She just plainly ignored me. She didn't say hi to me when I got home. She didn't respond when I talked to her. She didn't make me food or washed my clothes. She acted as if I didn't exist. 

I begged my dad to talk to her. 

"Dad please, I don't want mom to hate me. I'm sorry. I didn't know it was bad to kiss Jimin." At the mention of what I did my dad looked at me with disgust that he thought he was conceiling.

"Taehyung, your mother just can't bear the fact that her son is a homosexual. It's not easy for any parent. You need to understand that. Just leave her alone. She'll get past it. For now just focus on getting those perverted thoughts out of your mind."

Maybe if I had been a different type of person I would have avoided Jimin at all costs, but as soon as I saw him at school I ran into his arms and cried in his embrace. 

That year was one of the worst of my life. I hated myself. Although my dad wasn't exactly the best parent, it still hurt me that day when we got the phone call that he had been in a fatal car accident. 

I had never felt so alone. I took my feeling of hatred let them take over me. I made cuts in my arms and in my legs. I contemplated suicide so many times. Jimin was the only reason why I didn't kill myself. He found out that I was self harming and he made sure to look carefully after me. Although it wasn't easy for him, he got me to stop. 

I got over my crush for Jimin, but I loved him because he was the only one that was there for me. I owed him everything.

Getting through high school was easier, especially when I had Jungkook there for me as well. He was a source of happiness that filled a hole in my heart. After going from hating myself for liking guys for so long to actually dating a guy I finally began to accept that being gay was okay and that love was love. 

Even though I lost Jungkook as a boyfriend, I was still glad to have been able to keep him as a friend.

The moment that college applications came around, I made sure to make arrangements to stay at a dorm.

It was the best feeling in the world to finally get out of the living hell that was my house. Jungkook stayed living in his house. Thankfully Jimin got a dorm with me so I would be with someone I knew. 

As much as I had been through, I had Jimin with me through every bump.

Even though the reasons for why I love Jimin are his ability to be selfless and caring, I love him so much that even if he wasn't the sweetheart that he has always been, I couldn't stop loving him. Not after everything.