Pretending

28

Jin's POV

I've noticed something weird with Jungkook. In four months that I've known him I've seen him go from hating himself to slowly becoming what seems to be his old self. He'd randomly ask me to go places with him and he was always excited about something. I was so happy to see the changes.

It's only the most recent changes in his behavior that I'm concerned about. He's started to give me these looks. And he's always touching me. I'm a very touchy person and I love cuddling him and hugging him. But he's gone further than that.

He likes to get on my lap and put his hands on my waist. He stares at me with a look that I'm not comfortable receiving from someone I think of like a child.

I loved sitting him down between my legs and pulling him back into my chest, hugging him tightly against my chest. His body wasn't small or childlike, but if I just stared at his innocent face, with his eyes looking devoid of any corruption and his smile full of wonder, then it felt like I was looking at a child. My child.

Namjoon said that I'm never going to get married and have children because I'm too busy treating adults like my kids. I didn't agree or disagree.

As I looked at Jungkook's cute face smiling at me as he sat in my lap with his back against my chest and my arms around him, Namjoon's prediction didn't seem so bad. I found that often adults lacked many things as kids and that even years later, they still needed to be taken care of. They still needed someone to listen to them and to lead them to the right path and hug them and cuddle them. I could be that someone.

I didn't feel like I was lacking anything. My sexual needs were met with Namjoon and the occasional people he sometimes invited to have sex with us. My need to do something with my life was about to be met with my upcoming graduation. I was going to be a social worker, something I'd wanted to do after a childhood full of very kind social workers. I also had great friends that let me take care of them the way I wanted to. No, needed to.

"Jin," Jungkook's soft voice drew me out of my thoughts and back to him.

"Yes sweetie?"

"What are you thinking about?"

I smiled brightly at him. "About how cute you are."

He beamed at me and turned his body so that he was straddling me. He wrapped his arms around my neck and hugged me tightly.

He felt so warm against me. A little too warm, but it was fine.

Jungkook looked at me. And he didn't stop looking. He just stared into my eyes with an emotion I couldn't name. Wouldn't name actually because I didn't want to admit to myself what I saw in his eyes.

"What are you thinking about?" This time it was me who asked.

"About how handsome you are," he said with a smirk.

I felt my cheeks get red. He had never complimented my looks like this, especially not while looking at me like that.

I gave him an awkward smile and didn't say anything.

"Jin, I really like you," Jungkook said.

It felt like my lungs stopped working.

"You're so nice and so beautiful and you're such an amazing person. You helped me so much. You brought me back my smile and my passion. You helped me forgive myself."

"Jungkook, please. Stop." I gave him a pained look.

"You are the type of person that needs to be cherished. You have done so much for me and for everyone else. I'm so grateful and I'm so in awe in your ability to be so selfless. Jin, I love you and who you are. I think I might even be in love with you."

My eyes widened. This type of confession was the last type of thing I would want. And from Jungkook much less. He wasn't someone I could look at in that way.

Jungkook kept looking at me and then he leaned forward and pressed his lips against mine.

I was too shocked to move. Just felt him move his lips against mine and his hands cup my face.

He stopped since I wasn't responding and looked at me with confusion.

"Jungkook, I," my words couldn't come out of my mouth.

I didn't want to hurt him.

Jungkook put his hands on my chest and touched me. His hands were on my waist and then on my legs. I didn't like it. Didn't like his touch on me. It didn't feel right.

I got his hands and moved them.

I realized I needed to say something to stop this.

"Jungkook, I'm sorry. I don't want to hurt you, but I can't do this. I can't see you in any other way other than as my child."

Jungkook pouted. "I'm not a child."

"I know Jungkook. But that's the only way I can see you. And I think you're just confused either way. You were really sad and Jimin and Tae, and since we've gotten close you're confusing it for a romantic attraction when it's not."

Jungkook frowned. "Jin, don't try telling me how I feel. I know what I feel. Of course I love you. How could I not fall in love with you? You're the best person I know. I'm not confused. I know that you mean so much to me. I know that it's more than just me mistaking our friendship for something else."

I looked at him sadly. "Jungkook, you thought you loved Jimin too. And that was a mistake."

Jungkook didn't look as bothered by my words as I would have thought.

"Jin, you're right. You are so smart. You know me so well and you are so good at helping me out with these type of things. But you're wrong to think that this is anything like with Jimin. I wouldn't make that same mistake again because of you. You taught me better. You helped me realize my mistakes."

I look at him and realize that he's grown up. He's not the same kid that would make endless mistakes and hurt others without meaning to. He's not as selfish as he used to be.

However, I still can't see him the way he wants me to.

"Jungkook, I'm sorry. I acknowledge that your feelings are valid, and I apologize for doubting them. But I still can't reciprocate them."

He gave me a small smile. "Thank you, Jin. That's okay."

He hugged me again. "I'm going to change your mind though."

I scoffed. "If you say so."

He laughed. "I love you Jin."

I smiled. "I love you too Jungkook. Maybe not the way you want me to, but I do."