Pretending

21

Being friends with Jimin was always fun. We can spend hours together just talking and laughing and never get tired. We can binge watch shows together or cuddle together.

Our friendship was amazing.

But now that we had added sex into the mix, it made it so much better.

We spend the rest of our winter break exploring what we were into. We had sex. So much fucking sex.

And it was amazing.

We tried all types of things.

I got Jimin to finally try drag and the sight had me so turned on that we had sex right after finishing the look.

Jimin admitted to liking crossdressing, and I loved looking at him wearing clothing that brought out his feminine features more.

I choked Jimin and spanked him so many times that he had bruises on his neck and his ass. It wasn't as difficult as I thought it would be to inflict pain on him. I knew he liked it, and that was enough to get me past not wanting to hurt him.

We experimented with sensory deprivation. I was glad I wasn't the one getting blindfolded because the sight of him being so turned on and looking so beautiful was not something I wanted to miss.

I tied him up and used handcuffs. By now we had learned that our favorite was using rope that would leave him with marks in his arms the next day.

It felt as if Jimin had completely surrendered his body to me. I felt so much control over him and it made me feel more secure about things. He was mine. No one else could touch him like this. No one else could make him feel like this. No one else could give him what he needs.

He was so submissive. It was so sexy the way he would let me have my way with him. Well most of the time. The more we experimented with age play, the more he showed his bratty side. He liked to demand things.

That was good with me too. I've always been eager to please, especially when it came down to Jimin.

The whole break was spend away having sex whenever his parents weren't around, and spend hanging out with them when they were. It was the best break I had ever had. I spend so much time with him that I rarely had moments to go into my dark thoughts that would make my heart hurt. I felt the happiest I had ever felt.

I didn't want it to end.

But sadly, we were soon packing our clothes again and making the drive back to college. We rearranged everything in our dorms and made good use of the beds by having sex on them.

Afterwards we laid down on the small bed together and just kept on looking at each other.

Jimin smiled at me after a while and said, "Tae, I love you so much."

"Me too," I said, smiling back.

"You know, I never really stopped liking you. Like when were thirteen."

I widened my eyes with some surprise.

"When we kissed I was so happy. I thought we were going to date and fall in love. But instead all we got was pain. And I guess I convinced myself to no longer look at you like that. I felt like you needed space. Not me making you feel guilty about being gay."

"I still liked you too. But a part of me rejected that. I thought it was wrong."

He gave me a sad smile. "I know Tae. It hurt so much, but I understand. Your mother really was a poor excuse for a human being. She was so cruel."

I nodded sadly.

"I think I liked you for such a long time Tae. I didn't say anything, but I always felt it. I guess eventually I did move on. Since you had a boyfriend, I knew it was wrong of me to like you. Ironic really. Look at what I did."

The pain was back in his eyes. I wanted to comfort him. I really did, but I couldn't think of anything to say. So instead I asked something that had been on my mind for a while.

"Do you miss Jungkook?"

He looked shocked at the question.

"It's okay if you do. You loved him. I mean, I miss him too. He was so fun. Always had us smiling and he made sure we didn't just do nothing all day by taking us out all the time."

He had a small smile. "Yea, he was something. Knew how to make things interesting. Although I think in some respects, his personality got along better with you. But, I liked him a lot too. Who he was."

I nodded in agreement. "Do you wish you could get back with him?"

He hesitated to speak for a moment. "No. If anything, I regret ever being with him. But I don't know. I mean I'm happy with us. What we have. I'm happy I can be myself. But I wonder if I hadn't been the biggest jerk in the world if you would still be with him. Maybe you would. And the thought of that hurts. The possibility that we wouldn't have found our way back to each other all these years. That would break my heart."

"Well he probably would have left me anyway."

He shook his head. "He loved you Tae. I realized that too late. But he was still in love with you. I don't know why he ever showed interest in me to be honest. I don't know if maybe I seemed easy. If I made him think I liked him. I mean I don't even know why I started liking him. I don't know why I thought it was worth hurting you. It's my biggest regret. Hurting you. I'll never forgive myself." A tear made its way down his cheek.

I didn't say anything. Just wiped his tears away.

He stopped crying and continued talking. "I guess I forced myself to stop liking you. And then I would spend so much time with Jungkook. And he was so nice, and I felt happy with him. I don't know when it happened, but one day I just realized that I was in love with him. I remember he confessed to me and somehow it felt like it was the most everlasting love ever. I thought that we were meant for each other. I convinced myself that he would only hurt you because he wasn't in love with you. That's why I decided to agree to tell you about our feelings. I thought that I was saving you pain. I knew it would hurt, but I thought it would be better in the long run. And I know Tae. I know. It was so fucking stupid. And I honestly don't deserve the way you reacted. A normal person would have hated me. But you didn't. I don't know why. But I'm glad you don't. I couldn't bear to live without you."

His tears returned, and he buried his face in my chest and sobbed. His body was shaking as he let out powerful cries that hurt my heart.

I couldn't resist the tears that quickly made their way down my cheeks. I hugged him tight, not to comfort him, but my own aching heart.

After a while my tears stopped flowing. "I think it's best we don't talk about Jungkook anymore for some time. Or what happened. We're both hurt. We can't change the past. I want to move forward and stop looking backwards. We're happy now. With each other. And that's all that matters. I love you Jimin."

"And I love you Tae," he said with a smile through his teary eyes.

I gave him a kiss and then we just held each other. I listened to his shaky breaths become more stable as he stopped crying. This was right. This was where I belong. No matter how painful the road was to get here, I was here. I didn't want to lose this.

Maybe I still hadn't confronted my feelings the way I should have. But now was not the time. This was a time to heal. To allow myself to be happy. To push my pain into the depths of my mind and try to forget it. This was the only way.