Pretending

24

Jungkook's POV

I put on my black jeans and my black t-shirt, and my black shoes. I looked in the mirror and frowned at my reflection. My eyes looked puffy again. I looked like absolute shit and I felt like absolute trash.

I always liked the color black. I wore it because I liked it. Now it felt like I was wearing it because I was going to a funeral to mourn the loss of a loved one.

Who died?

My spirit.

My personality.

My ability to genuinely smile.

I felt so fucking alone. Ever since I lost both Tae and Jimin I hadn't been my usual self.

I hated going out on my own. It was only fun when I had someone there with me.

Every day I thought about what an idiot I was. How I managed to lose not one, but two great guys. Two great friends. Two people who actually cared about me. I hurt them both.

If it weren't for Jin, I don't think I could face going to school anymore. On my first day back, I saw Jimin and Tae laughing together, and I felt like I couldn't breath.

The longing was crushing my heart.

Then I met Jin. He was sitting next to me in the library and he randomly started talking to me. He was a nice guy and we exchanged numbers. We messaged each other often.

It was nice to have a friend. Someone who didn't know about what I had done. Someone who wouldn't hate me for being a shitty person.

Even my parents were mad at me. When I left Tae, they warned me it was a mistake. Then they warmed up to Jimin and they were pissed that I left him too.

At least I had Jin. We would meet up every Monday and Wednesday at the library. I would leave to class and he would stay there waiting for his boyfriend to eat lunch with him. He always invited me to go with him, but I always declined, pretending like I was busy. But I just didn't want to invade into their relationship.

Jin knew how unhappy I was. I could see it in the way he looked at me with that concerned look in his eyes. He was so sweet to me. Treated me like I was fragile. Like I was about to break.

And maybe I was. Wouldn't had surprised me. I didn't feel like I have any strength left.

I walked in to the library to our usual spot where Jin was already waiting for me.

"Let's go to a coffee shop today," he said as I approached him. "I didn't sleep much last night and I need some caffeine."

I nodded, and we walked to the nearby coffee shop. A few minutes later Jin was sipping on his coffee and I was just staring at mine.

"Jungkook, can I ask you something sweetie?"

I sighed. I knew what he was going to say. "Yea," I said in a low voice.

"What happened that has you like this?"

I looked down, not wanting to say anything.

"You can trust me."

I looked up at his kind smile. "I know," I said in a low voice. "I just feel like I'm a horrible person and that you won't like me once you get to know that side of me."

"Jungkook, I've known you for some months now. And I know that whatever mistake you made, you aren't a horrible person. Maybe you did something fucked up. But you aren't fucked up. And I've seen you hate on yourself long enough now to see that you're remorseful. And that means something. A horrible person doesn't feel bad."

I felt my eyes get watery.

Jin reached his hand out and squeezed my hand to comfort me.

I fought hard to not cry. I didn't want to cry in front of Jin out of embarrassment for how weak I was being.

After a while I managed to calm myself. "I don't even know where to begin," I said.

"Just start from the beginning."

I sighed. "I had a crush on this guy. He was so much fun. Always being cute and making me laugh at how silly he could be. So caught up in his world, but also so smart. And he loved to play video games with me. We would always just have a good time. He was down to do whatever. He was spontaneous, and I loved that about him. He let me show my adventurous side."

Jin was listening intently. I looked at him and he smiled. I gave him a small smile back before I proceeded to disappoint him with what I was going to say next.

"He liked me too. I asked him to be my boyfriend and for a long time we were happy. He had this best friend. They were super close. So close sometimes I wondered if they were together behind my back. I became friends with him too. He was sweet and really cool."

I lower my head in shame. "To make a long story short, I'll just say it. I left my boyfriend for his best friend. I don't know what I was thinking. It was such a mistake. I think maybe I was just attracted to him and my boyfriend was never around. I don't know. I really did like Jimin. But I was in love with Tae."

Jin's eyes widened a bit at the last part, but he didn't say anything, so I continued. "I realized, and I told Jimin that I didn't love him. And I tried to get Tae to get back with me. But that pissed him off. He didn't want to hurt Jimin the way we hurt him. Oh, and I guess I forgot to mention that Tae was such a sweet person that he forgave us. He didn't stop being friends with Jimin. He would still hang out with us. We kinda made him so he wouldn't feel bad. But that was so stupid of us. I don't know what the fuck we were thinking. We hurt Tae so bad. And then I hurt Jimin, which is as if I had hurt Tae."

The tears were back in my eyes, threatening to spill out. "Now I'm alone because I'm such an idiot. And they hate. I hate me. My parents hate me. Everyone hates me." The tears were surprisingly still just barely held.

Jin held my hand. "Jungkook, please stop beating yourself up over this. It happened. And you need to start forgiving yourself. They moved on and you need to too."

"How would you know if they've moved on?"

Jin sighed. "I know them Jungkook. Met them a few months ago. Around the same time that I met you. "

My eyes widened. "Really? How are they?"

Jin looked down. "They're..." he stopped talking.

"They're what? Is something wrong? Are they okay?"

He shook his head. "Nothing is wrong. They're just... together."

I nodded. "Yea, they're always together. They're really close friends."

Jin grimaced. "I mean like together together. Like dating, but I guess without the label. But basically dating."

I looked at him confused. "What?" I think about it. "What?! Together? What the fuck? When did that happen?"

Jin looked down.

"When Jin? Just tell me."

He looked back up with an awkward smile. "Like a month after you left Jimin."

My eyes widened. "A month? He moved on after a month? What? I don't even know how I feel about this."

Jin sighed. "Look at it this way. They aren't perfect people. Neither are you. So try to get past this. They're fine. If it'll make you feel better, then apologize. But move on. You're still so young Jungkook. You deserve to be happy. Not be all gloomy all the time."

I just looked down.

"It might not be easy, but I'll help you," he said with a smile.

I smiled back at him. Feeling conflicted and mixed emotions. But at least self-loathing wasn't the main one.