Pretending

16

We hadn't drunk so much that a hangover greeted us. Instead I just slept a lot and woke up the next morning feeling confused. For a second, I wasn't sure of what had happened the day before. Then the previous night's events came back to me.

Jimin's perfect lips and his perfect body, and the desire to be close to him in a way that was more intimate than ever.

He was curled up against me being held in my arms. That wasn't anything new. It had been something we were used to.

The only thing that had changed was that now I felt the urge to kiss him. I wracked my brain trying to figure out what caused the change. I couldn't comprehend why I was looking at my best friend and just wanted to fucking pound into his body and make him scream out my name.

I had a crush on him when I was thirteen. I remembered how he seemed meant for me. But then the whole mess that was my parents happened and I stopped looking at Jimin in a romantic way. I remembered how I didn't even want to live. I didn't want to like Jimin. That seemed wrong. Even though I was able to accept his friendship, anything more was just labeled as wrong in my mind due to my mom's reactions to our kiss.

What changed? I asked myself again. Has anything changed? I wondered. Maybe I never stopped liking him. I thought back to how I would feel around him. There was no doubt I loved him. Being with him felt right. I would look at him and see the most beautiful and perfect person to exist and just wanted the best for him. When I would masturbate next to him, although I would ignore my actions afterwards, I would look at him. He was the only thing I looked at as I made myself cum.

Have you just been too dumb to notice how much you liked him? I asked myself.

But I really did like Jungkook. I wasn't thinking of Jimin then. And I wasn't thinking of him when I was with Yoongi.

I was confused beyond what I had ever been in my life and in that moment, I sympathized with Jungkook who couldn't make up his mind.

The only thing I knew was that now that I had allowed myself to feel thing for Jimin, there was no going back. I would do whatever it took to be with him the way I wanted to. I just had to be with him. My body yearned for him. My heart wanted to make him feel happy. I wanted him to never experience pain. I promised myself to bend to his will and do whatever it took to make him keep that pretty smile of his.

Isn't that what you already do? A voice in my head asked.

My thoughts were interrupted with the feeling of Jimin waking up and stretching his body against mine.

A feeling of terror overcame my mind. What if he regretted what happened? What if our friendship was ruined? What if he doesn't even remember?

Jimin's pretty smile made its way into his face as he looked at me, and I felt at ease again.

"Tae," he said as he wrapped his arms around my neck and hugged me.

"Hello, Jiminie," I said.

"I need to pee," he said suddenly and got up. I smiled as he quickly made his way to the restroom.

I went to the restroom after him and we brushed our teeth together. I couldn't help but keep staring at him. He looked so cute as he brushed his pretty teeth. But I mean what did he not look cute doing?

"Jimin?"

"Yes, Taehyungie?" he asked me with a smile as we walked to his bed and sat down.

"If it's okay with you I'd like to talk about yesterday."

"What part?" he asked.

"The one where we kissed and shit."

"Oh, that one," he said nodding. "What about it?"

I just stared at him. Fuck he was making this hard.

"Um, I don't know. I was kind of hoping you'd say something first."

"Oh," he says, looking down. "We don't have to talk about it."

"I want to," I said.

"Okay," he said looking at me.

We just staid quiet.

"Tae, just say it."

"What do you think I'm going to say?"

"That you regret it. That you want me to pretend that it didn't happen. That you were too drunk." His eyes were glued to his hands.

"Jimin, I'm not going to say anything like that. I'm terrified that you would say something like that. I don't want to forget what happened. I want to do it again."

He looked back up at me. "Tae, I love you," he said. It wasn't a confession. It was a confirmation that was said for reassurance. We had said these words to each other so many times before. It served as our way of saying that things were good between us. That they would always be because our bond was too strong to be broken by anything.

"I love you, Jiminie," I said.

I pulled his body into my lap, this time gently, and put my hands on his small waist. He wrapped his arms around my neck and our lips met.

It was much calmer than the last time. Everything was so quiet that all I could hear was the sound of our breathing. I put my hands under his shirt to feel his soft skin. His warmth made me feel so happy. Just so fucking happy.

I felt like I wanted to cry. It was if I had been waiting for all of my life for this moment. And it was perfect. It was more beautiful than anything that I had ever experienced before. The emotion was so overwhelming that it made my eyes water.

His tongue licked my bottom lip and I opened my mouth to let him roam as much as he wanted to. For a second it felt like I could die from the simple pleasure of his lips on mine. I couldn't even comprehend what was happening or the reason why my emotions were so magnified.

Jimin clung to me and pressed his body right against mine. I could feel his need to be close. It felt as if we weren't close enough even though it was physically impossible to get closer. His hands played with my hair.

There were many things that I wanted to talk about. So many things that needed to be said and confusion to be cleared up. But in that moment, all I wanted to do was kiss Jimin. And so that's what I did.