Pretending

29

It had been a few days since my talk with Namjoon. I had really been thinking about what I was going to say to Jimin, but it was hard because I had pretended for so long that everything was fine that it was hard to remember what was bothering me. I even questioned if something was even wrong. Whether I really needed to have this talk. I thought that maybe things were fine just the way they were right now.

But then I forced myself to admit that there was a reason why I had decided to tell Namjoon about my feelings.

On Friday instead of heading straight to Jin's house, I asked Jimin if we could stay behind and talk about something that was on my mind.

"What is it Tae?" he asked me with his sweet smile. He looked so perfect and so beautiful. And happy. Did I really want to potentially ruining things? Was pretending really that bad?

"Jimin, I, uh, um..."

Jimin sat me down next to him on the couch. "Whatever you want to say Tae, just go ahead. You can trust me."

"I know. It's more like I don't want to ruin things."

"Whatever you want to say won't change anything. I love you Tae."

"I love you Jimin."

We smiled at each other.

"Jimin, I've been thinking lately that we don't really talk things through. We just act like if there is nothing wrong with us, when there is. And I think it's about time that we talk about these things." I looked at his face, searching for any signs that he was unhappy with my words.

"Tell me, Tae, what's been on your mind. You can tell me whatever you're feeling."

"Well first of all, I'm worried about the fact that we haven't decided to, um, I don't know."

"You don't know?"

Fuck, I really sucked at this. I realized I needed to stop beating around the bush and be more direct.

"No, I do know. The fact that we haven't labeled what we have is bothering me. I question why that is. I'm afraid that you don't see me as anything other than a friend. Even though we have sex and kiss, I think that maybe you just don't want to be my boyfriend because you're not in love with me. Because you just don't yourself ending up with me."

Jimin shakes his head. "That's not true Tae. I love you so much."

I noticed how he didn't say that he was in love with me.

"You don't need to worry about our relationship Tae."

I waited for him to say something else. Something that would make me feel better. That would reassure me. But he didn't.

"Jimin, I..." I couldn't even form my thoughts into words. I felt as if my brain had blanked out. Like I had no idea what to say that would make this conversation go where I wanted it to go. Where I needed it to go.

A part of me wanted to bring up that Jimin had decided to date Jungkook. To let myself express how that made me feel. But I knew that he already beat himself up enough for that. Maybe it was best if I didn't.

As soon as I thought that I remembered Namjoon. What he would say about holding back.

Jimin looked at me expectantly.

I sighed. "Jimin, I think we need to talk about Jungkook."

"What about him?" Jimin asked, looking down.

"About how much he, and you hurt me when you decided to date."

When I said that Jimin looked up, shock apparent in his eyes. I had never once admitted that he hurt me. Just the mention of it had this reaction. I wondered what my next words would cause. Maybe he'd cry. Maybe he'd be angry for me attacking him. These thoughts scared me, but I knew I had to face things.

"Jimin. You were my best friend. I thought that when I let him spend time alone with him that I had nothing to worry about. It never crossed my mind that while I was at school, busy with my own personal things that you would be with him, falling in love. I never thought that Jungkook would ever leave me, and certainty not for my best friend. I never thought that when he left me I would be forced to see him be with someone else. That was so cruel of you guys, so fucking cruel."

I felt tears run down my watery eyes. I looked at Jimin. I expected him to look hurt.

He didn't. He was expressionless. Not a single emotion could be detected in his face.

"I forgave you because I loved you Jimin. But it still doesn't make it right. I hated that you forced me to hang out with you guys. It was so painful. And I did it all for you. To make you happy. I'm not blaming you for that. It's not your fault I've always been so insanely in love with you. But I wished that you would have realized and stopped me from doing everything for you. Stopped me from becoming the type of person who lives only to please another."

I saw a flicker of an emotion in Jimin, but it was gone before I could name what it was.

"Jimin, can you please say something?"

Jimin looked at me and took a deep breath. "You're right Tae. What I did was horrible. You shouldn't have forgiven me. You would be better off without me. I'm not good for you." He said it with no emotion. Like if he was just stating facts.

But to me those weren't facts. I needed him. He was good for me. He just made a mistake.

"Jimin, that's not what I said. I was just trying to express my emotions that I've had pent up."

"Okay, Tae. Let everything you're feeling out."

He stared right at me. He bit his lip and he moved his legs rapidly. Like if he was trying to hold something in.

I know I had said that I didn't want conflict. But as I sat there and realized that absolutely no hint of anger or hurt or defensiveness showed in Jimin's face I realized that this wasn't it. This wasn't what I wanted. I wanted us to fight. I wanted to get things out. I wanted for us to make up after really talking things through. But this... this was just disappointing.

There was no yelling, no crying. Nothing. Just more pretending.

I wiped my tears and gave a small smile to Jimin.

"That was it. I have nothing more to say."

Jimin smiled back at me and nodded. "Okay, well then let's go to Jin's house. He was cooking something for us. I bet he'll be upset if we get there late."

I nodded and grabbed my phone while Jimin got his keys. We drove to Jin's house in silence.

I wanted to cry so much. The need to fucking bawl until I had no more tears left was so strong that I dug my nails into my forearms to release my strong emotions. I could feel that it was starting to bleed but I just dug them harder to try to quiet down the things I was feeling.

I felt so stupid. Now that I had allowed myself to start to face things there was no going back. I regretted admitting things. It wasn't better for me. There was nothing cathartic about this. I just opened the floodgates of my brain and there was no one there to save me. I was just drowning in my own sorrow and anger. I felt like I had made a big mistake. Pretending was better.

Pretending may hurt. It may leave things unsteady and it may be bad in the long run.

But pretending didn't fucking break my spirit like this. It didn't leave me feeling helpless and broken.

Accepting the truth did no good to me. Not when Jimin couldn't do the same.

We were better off pretending.

But I didn't know if I could pretend anymore.