Loving the Demon

Chapter 1

Why am I feeling this again?

Binuksan ko ang dalawang mata ko sa matagal na pagkakapikit at diretsong tumingin sa katapat kong salamin, matapos iyon ay marahas kong pinunasan ang nakikita kong luha na lumalabas mula dito. 

Bakit ba sa lahat ng maaaring maalala ay iyong mga pinakamasasamang pangyayari ang hindi ko palagi nakakalimutan? I've been dealing with these crazy nightmares ever since they left me in the orphanage when I was really young... I met a boy who made it stopped for a while, a boy who I'll rather not name and when I thought he'll be my hero? The exact opposite happened.

He broke me even further.

Kinuha ko ang nakalugay kong buhok upang itali ito pataas, kahit na may luha na namang lumabas sa mga mata ko ay hindi ko na iyon sinubukang punasan pa dahil alam kong may papalit at papalit rin naman doon.

Will I ever be heal?

Habang buhay na lang ba ako ganito?

I've been sad for years, it never gets better and I don't think it will get better even in the future.

My everyday life doesn't consist of crying every morning, panic attacks and anxiety anymore, I actually already learn how to handled or at least 'fake' my emotion but there are just days that I can't help but feel really low and bad about myself.

Just like today.

I'm definitely a mess.

Naalala ko iyong sinabi sa akin ng isa sa mga kasama ko sa Rehab Center back in States for people like me who suffer PSTD.

"It's okay to feel bad sometimes but it's never okay to not move forward."

Even after six months of rehabilitation, ugly crying, panic attacks, restless nights and countless nightmares sometimes I can't help but think I'm still useless.. it's something that I know will never change.

Nandoon pa rin, nakatago sa likod ng isipan ko at pilit kong hindi inaalala sa paggawa ng mga bagay na aaksaya sa oras ko pero minsan? Minsan ay sumasabog rin ako... tulad ngayon, isa na naman sa mga araw na magkukulong ako sa sariling lungkot at masamang mga alaala.

I can't let it win again. It already ruined my life. I've already wasted 2 years feeling nothing but bad about my and now that I'm here? I can't let this sadness take over my life again.

You're stronger than this Makota.

You're stronger than you give yourself credit for.

Peke akong ngumiti sa salamin ng maliit kong banyo at siyaka na yumukod kasabay no'n ay ang pagbukas ko ng gripo upang hugasan ang mukha ko na napupuno ng luha... sana... kung sana lang pati ang lungkot ay napupunasan.

Agad kong naramdaman ang lamig ng tubig sa balat ko unang beses pa lang na dumikit ang tubig sa balat ko, sandali akong nanatili ng ganoon kahit na alam kong umaapaw na iyong tubig sa lababo.

I'll get through this.... this is just a fucking bad day.

I've was diagnosed with PSTD for 2 fucking years, taking pills and medication for god who knows how long... six months sa rehab center, kaya bakit hindi ko ito makakayanan?

This is just another bad day... it will get better soon... I hope it will.

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