Loving the Demon

51 - Don't

"We were fucking worried Makota... muntik na akong tumakbo para habulin ka but Venus stopped all of us... she told us that you need the time... the time to reflect... to clear all the confusion with King... kaya ayon." Bungad na ika sa'kin ni Pawu paguwing-paguwi ko pa lang sa kwarto namin.

Wala na akong nadatnan na miyembro maliban kay Pawu na hinihintay pa rin ako sa kwarto namin... well, it's almost 4 AM na kaya hindi naman kataka-takang nakatulog na silang lahat.

"Are you okay?" Tanong nito at mabilis akong niyakap.

I hugged her back. "I'm not... but I will be. I need to be." 

"What happened?" Tanong nito na hindi ko sinuklian ng sagot.

Wala ako sa mood na mag-kwento heck, wala nga ako sa mood na mag-isip. Ayoko... ayokong umiyak muli.

"You guys broke-up?" Tanong muli ni Pawu at tanging pagtango na lamang ang sinagot ko. "At least you can start healing... cheer up. That jerk doesn't deserve you." Lait nito kay King na hindi naman nakapagpatulong sa paggaan ng kalooban ko.

"Don't be fool and ask for his love Makota." I nodded at ipinikit na lamang ang dalawang mata ko.

When will this day end?

When will my life end?

Why do I have to hurt this much?

*****

AFTER 4 MONTHS

I didn't know how I survived months without King.

I didn't know how I survived seeing him everyday laughing genuinely with Vanessa.

I didn't know how I survived people's look whenever they see me walking like a dead person inside that I am.

Hindi ko rin alam kung paano lumipas ang mga buwan na buhay pa rin ako.

I felt like dying. I'll beactually glad to die.

I don't know if mommy and daddy know that King and I broke-up but we all haven't really talk since I chose King over them. Kuya Dave keep on telling me to talk to them first... maiintindihan daw nila ako, papatawarin raw nila ako umamin lang daw ako sa pagkakamali ko.

But how can I?

King is not a mistake. He's a lesson.

I never regret loving him... yes it still hurt... so so much that some days I just sleep in my bed all day and cry all alone but I know life is a continuous cycle.

King's not there when I was Princess... wala siya no'ng sinasaktan ako ni Tatay. Wala rin siya sa States sa mga panahon na sobrang nanghihina ako at hindi ko alam ang gagawin, wala rin ito no'ng namatay si Nanay Lorna.

Kung tutuisin wala naman siya sa masasakit na bahagi ng buhay ko kasi siya ang nagdulot ng isa... kaya bakit hindi ko makakayanan ngayon?

I always keep on telling myself that even though it won't truly heal at least... sa oras... sa oras ay unti-unting makakalimutan ko iyong sakit.

It's just been 4 months since we broke up. It's actually funny that it only took him 5 minutes to broke up with me but I know that it will took me years to finally move-on.