Every time something happens to me
that makes me sad, angry, or anything
I just laugh, smile a lot
because the feelings I should be feeling are lost
and I can't even feel pain anymore,
a feeling that was one of my favorites
and now can only be drawn from blood.
I cut because I can't feel anything else
and when you can't feel anything
you forget what's most important to you
and you don't care what happens
as long as you can do anything
to make yourself feel just a little better.
I wish I could tell my parents all this
but they could never understand me.
They believe in god and shit,
that god created everyone in a perfect way,
that I'm still their little fucking kid
but look at me now.
Do I look like an innocent little kid?
Or maybe a teenager whose fucked in the head.
I like the second choice better.
You think you know everything about me
but you still can't read my mind
so you don't know shit about me
and I'm never letting you in.
I don't know what to fucking do anymore.
My parents can't help me,
I won't tell my friends anything,
fuck therapists they don't know shit,
so no one can help me
because I can't trust anyone with my mind
fearing they'd think I'm insane or something,
which I probably am.
My parents don't let me do shit
and I can't even see my own goddamn friends.
It's stupid as shit cuz they don't even know
how much my friends help me through my life
and now I can't do anything about anything
except lay in my bed twiddling my thumbs
and hoping that some fucking miracle kills me
and all the while just smiling and laughing
because I can't feel anything else.
