My diary: an interactive project. Sort of.

12/14/11

I have no clue what to say. I have a whole list written out, but none of it seems to matter much.

I had it under control for so long. I really did. I did so well the past few months. But here we go again.

I took my first exam today. Algebra II. It was okay. I barely finished, but I think I get a decent grade. Either way I won't know until later. They aren't allowed to put our exam grades online until all of the tests are done. Anyway, I was filling out my psychology study guide, and I found a passage written about a patient with depression. The patient said that they just didn't feel anything anymore. One of the specific examples was Christmas, and how she wasn't excited about it like normal. It caught my attention. I realizedthat I'm not really looking forward to Christmas either. I'm looking forward to getting off school, but Christmas itself doesn't really excite me. Nothing really excites me. What a way to live.

If my mom read this it would break her heart. She gets so upset when I'm unhappy. That's why I hide so much. I don't think I could bear to be the one to cause that.

Speaking of my mom, we got her hospital bill this Monday.$ 10,000 to sit in the emergency too for four hours. They didn't even help her for the first hour and a half. We have to pay half of it; insurance only pays for half. So that's a wonderful Christmas present.

In other news, four people at school now know that I'm depressed. And I didn't even tell them. But I don't blame S for doing it. I understand the urge.

Here's the story: we were on a field trip for a club, at a museum with a mix of Jewish and Chinese art. (Yeah, it's a strange combination.) We were in the gift shop, and they had necklaces with Chinese words, so S and I each got one. S got health, and I got happiness. I thought to myself that it was ironic, because she's a hypochondriac and I'm depressed. Then, when we were talking to out friends, S says," our choices are kind of ironic, considering I'm a hypochondriac and you're depressed." I was kind of shocked at first, since I've never told anyone, and I didn't know how they were going to react.

Luckily, none of them reacted too badly. One of the girls said," I didn't know that. Now I feel bad," and gave me a hug. Then one of the guys (ironically, the same one who told me last year that he was put on antidepressants, if any of you remember that) said he was sorry. I could tell he was sincere, and it almost makes me feel worse knowing that he feels the same.

It was a tiring experience. The whole day was very busy, but still nice.

I've been doing a lot of stuff with my friends lately. Recently we went to our friend's house to study for the Spanish exam. It was nice, but I get really exhausted when I spend a lot of time around people. Yesterday I was on the bus with one of our freshman buddies, and she said I seemed kind of upset. I just get really sick of people. Especially around fifth period and right after school. And that makes me even more upset.

Anyway. We went to a sort of party- more of a gathering, actually- of a club for people with the highest test scores friday during school. It was actually nice. We sat with the girl who did our Spanish project with us and the Asian senior girl we met a few months ago at a birthday party. (I really need to think of more names. I'm confusing myself. I'm just worried that there are too many Fs.) Our chemistry teacher even sat with us for a while. And he gave us an honest compliment, which he doesn't do often; he's the type that likes to tease people. So it's really cool to get an actual compliment from him. Then S told him that she didn't want to sit by V1 in his class anymore because he constantly demeans her, and the teacher got really serious and said that she should have told him earlier so he could take care of it, then he promised to watch V1. It made me feel a little better.

That teacher seems like he would be a good father. That might seem a little creepy, but he talks about his son sometimes, and I can just imagine him being a great dad.

I still think about my father sometimes. It shocks me to realize that he still exists as more than a memory. I still wonder what he does with his time, whether he ever thinks of us.

One of my most prominent memories of him is of the first time he visited us after those first months of the divorce. I don't remember what we did or where we went, but I distinctly remember him dropping us off outside of our apartment. It was the last time he hugged us. I remember exactly how it felt, and thinking even as a child that he was so solid, but still so flimsy. I didn't want to hug him at the time. I wanted to go back to my mom, because she was safe an comfortable. Now I wish I could go back to the moment and appreciate the last bit of love he gave us. I wish I could go back and find out if he really did love us then, or if he felt obligated to do it.

I'm such a mess right now. I don't even know what I'm doing. I should really be studying, but I'm too tired.

We only have 2 days left in this semester. Next semester I won't have lunch with F8 anymore, but that's okay. I feel like she's distanced herself from me. I still worry about her, and I wish I could help her, but there's nothing I can do, especially now that she won't talk to me. I just have to pray for her and hope she starts to feel better. Of course I'm sad about losing her as a friend, but I don't think she's really into it anymore. Maybe next year. Maybe not. We'll see.

I had a personal project I've been working on since the beginning of the school year. In creative writing the teacher (who I've grown to like) gave us folders to keep our work in. Since we had so much free time in that class, I distracted myself by writing along each border of the back of my folder. It formed a spiral of quotes- mostly from songs, but also some others that I thought had some influence on me. I made it my mission to finish it by the end of the semester. it ended up being thousands of words. I finished it today with "525000 Seasons of Love." It was a minor accomplishment, but it gave me a sense of purpose.

That's all there is to say. Thank you all for reading; I would be lost without you. I feel a little better now. I was feeling really bad today.

Thank you.

Goodbye, my friends.

"I talk to absolutely no one; couldn't keep to myself enough. And the things bottled inside have finally begun to create so much pressure that I'll soon blow up."- Who I Am Hates Who I've Been, Relient K.