My diary: an interactive project. Sort of.

6/28/11-6/30/11

So I wrote a few mini posts, and I decided to publish them now. So maybe I'll do it this way for a while. It's a lot easier than trying to remember everything until I can get around to writing it into coherent sentences. Sorry if it's confusing. Here goes.

----------

So I didn't feel like writing a whole post today, but I needed to write. So I'll probably do a few of these then put them together in like a week. Today's is 6/28/11. It's getting too close to august for comfort. I have so much summer homework to do and I haven't even started. I've been too busy doing nothing.

So the reason I wanted to write is because I overheard my mom talking to my grandmother on the phone. I wasn't spying or anything, I just happened to overhear:) ( can you tell how much better I'm feeling? It's a lot.)

So anyway, I'm not positive about what I heard, but I'm pretty good at using context clues. I heard my mom say something about not having her prescription and not being able to get her medicine until July. Then she said that emotionally everything is just piling up ad well, and it's a lot to handle. Also, she's been crying a lot recently.

Which has led me to the following conclusion:

The medicine she doesn't have is probably her depression medicine. From what she said, it might be a while until she can get more. Which really worries me. She has been on medicine for over ten years. What's going to happen without it?

I'm scared. Mostly because I think the medicine has been helping. I don't think she's completely happy most of the time, but I think it helps. Now, without it, she's going to go back to feeling how I do. It's a difficult thing to go through, especially since hers has been under control for so long.

I think we're having financial problems too. Great timing, right? I heard something about an appraisal not going through or something. Then she said the value of our house has gone down 20,000 in the past three years. What's going to happen when we need to sell it in three years? This stupid recession isn't getting better, no matter what Obama says. I'm scared for my future. What's going to happen when it's time for me to get my first job next year? Or when I'm out of college? And if I can't do it, how will the other kids in my generation? Those standard kids who couldn't care less about their futures? The people who rely on their parent's money that won't always be there?

I'm scared. Of many things. But my mom told me yesterday, when she came home crying, that I can't be afraid. She said that id she hadn't been afraid, she could've gone so much further in life. So I'm determined to make something of myself. I'll get over this for her. It's my inspiration.

" I'll spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly. I'll do what it takes till I touch the sky." Breakaway, Kelly Clarkson.

--------

Today is 6/30/11. Time is passing far too quickly.

So I feel better, I guess. The episode of depression is over, but I still feel the lingering effects. So I feel kind of numb right now. Sort of empty. But it's laced with sadness.

I had another talk with my mom. They never turn out well, I'm not sure why I keep doing it.

Anyway, you know how I kept saying I was going to push the therapy issue, how I wasn't going to let it go, how I really wanted to get better?

I let it go. In our conversation, my mom asked if I really wanted to go, because insurance won't pay for it.( apparently the insurance company doesn't think mental health is important.)

So what was I supposed to say? "Actually, I want you to spend some of the little money we have on therapy even though I'm not sure if it will really help, because if something doesn't change there's going to be more scratches carved into my arm."

I don't think that would've gotten me anywhere.

So I guess that's it. The subject kind of dropped after that.

Is it bad that I'm nearly crying now that it's sunken in? I mean, I was so hopeful at the beginning of the summer. I thought that I could go to the doctor, that everything would be fixed. But it's not. All because I don't want to hurt my mom.

Also featured in out conversation:

Mom: I'm glad you're happier now.

Unknown: yeah, I guess.

Mom: you are happier, right?

Unknown: sometimes.

Mom: so you're not really happy? Is it all just an act for me?

Unknown:...

So yeah. I chickened out. I told her that it just comes and goes, but it gets really bad sometimes. I've seriously tried everything. I don't think there's anything I can do to make her see how bad it really is. Nothing works.I've considered telling her about the scar, but I'm not sure it would have the right reaction. It would probably be like:

Mom: I don't understand what the purpose of that was. Why did you do it?

Unknown: because I thought it might help with the pain.

Mom: is it really that bad?

Unknown: *nods*

Mom: well maybe I can call the doctor again.

And then it would never be spoken of again. It's so hard to talk about anyway, because I know my mom doesn't like talking about it.

Anyway, I can feel it trying to pull me back. I'm trying to resist, but it's just so much easier to let go. I don't even care that that sounded painfully dramatic.

In other short news, I was right about my mom's medicine. Also, according to my mom, I can now say I'm officially depressed, cuz the doctor told her I am. Which doesn't help that much. I really wanted a full diagnosis, but it looks like I won't get it.

I feel so cheated. On all the websites and in all the books they said I could get help. They said I wasn't alone, that depression can be fixed. But I guess I don't deserve it. I must've done something wrong.

I want so badly to cry! I want to feel the tears, I want to let it out! but the numbness just won't let them fall. I just want to feel ok.

So much for feeling better.

It just hurts to let it sink in, to know that all the hope I had is gone. It's like my last thread of hope has been cut, and now I officially have to live this way for another three years. I don't know if I can take it. I'm not that strong. I can't keep up this act.

So my quest for help has officially crashed and burned. I'm back where I began. It's almost painful to think of how good I felt when school let out a month and a half ago. In that short amount of time, I've lost all of my hope, all of my happiness, everything good I looked forward to.

I have nothing left. My highschool years will forever be tainted with shyness, low confidence, and depression. And I can't stop it. Great.

I guess that's all I can say for now. Thanks for at least listening. I'm sorry I haven't replied to any comments or anything. I'll try to get around to it.

"I may seem crazy, or painfully shy, And these scars wouldn't be so hidden if you would just look me in the eye." Cut, Plumb.

--------------

So there it is. I just got done writing the second part, and I feel a bit better. Anyway, sorry about the weird format of the conversations. I'm reading a new book and the conversations are in that format, so it just happened. Thanks for reading. Also, this is dedicated to LenaLambert ( is that right? I think so. Sorry if it's wrong!) for offering to help, and all of the wonderful comments and messages. Thanks!

( am I sounding like a broken record yet? I swear I repeat myself so much.)

So thank you all, and goodnight.