My diary: an interactive project. Sort of.

7/10/11

So much just happened. I don't know where to start or where to go or even how to explain. So forgive me if this is kind of rushed or jumbled. I just have to get it all out while I remember it.

It's really just another conversation. It might not seem big to you, but it was like a complete breakthrough to me.

So I was in my room feeling kind of sad, when I heard my mom talking to S in our mom's room. I went over and listened for a minute, then decided to go in and talk, even though I wasn't expecting much. Actually, thinking back, I had this feeling all day that I was gonna have a big talk today. I just didn't think it would happen.

I sat down, and I listened to see what S was talking about. ( S, if you read this, I apologize for giving out your story as well, but your character needs more depth, and it's necessary to the story. I'm sorry. I won't be too specific.) She was saying how when we were younger she used to have a lot of anxiety, and how she was a hypochondriac. She was describing it, and it was really serious. She doesn't have the same problem as I do with crying, so she cried a little. And it was remarkable how much her story paralleled mine. Pretty much every problem and doubt I have, she had with her situation. For example:

She said: I don't think anyone could understand how bad it was. I wish I could talk to someone who gets it.

-I feel like this all the time, especially about the severity. I think that I'm just being overdramatic.

She said: I feel like when I talk about it people will think I'm crazy.

And: I don't talk about it sometimes because I can tell it hurts you( our mom).

And: I was always afraid that the doctor would say I made it all up.

-All of these are problems I've had.

She said: I knew I was fine, but I couldn't stop feeling like something was wrong.

-I actually laughed when she said it, because I feel this way so much. I know I should be happy, but the knowledge doesn't change the feeling.

And there are probably a lot more I'm forgetting right now. But at this point, I broke my silence and told her that I saw the similarities. It was strange, because she didn't know anything about it before, besides what was said at the doctor, which wasn't much. So saying all this, I think she kind of realized how bad it was, and how similar the situation was to what she went through a few years back.

It's a weird feeling. You know all those conversations I had with myself? I was actually able to say all of it. I let it all go, and said everything I've been holding back for fear of her reaction. It's kind of a huge relief, because there are two people in the world now who actually know all of me, with the exception of a

Few small secrets. But before, no one knew me. I'm not alone anymore.

As for her reaction... It wasn't bad, considering I hijacked her conversation. But she was ok with it, because she said that she didn't have much to say since the situation has passed. She was pretty quiet while I talked, and agreed with some of what I said, as far as it applies to her, like how a solid diagnosis would make it seem more real. She said that when she talks about being a hypochondriac, she feels like she's sort of a fraud, since she was never diagnosed.

It wasn't super emotional, but she said she was worried for me, and didn't want me to hurt myself or do anything bad. I didn't tell them about the scar, which is actually fading, because it's a lot to tell someone, and it might've pushed it too far. But I told her a lot of my worries and doubts, without gettin too much into the actual emotions behind it. And she reacted better than I thought. I think she understood what I wanted, if nothing else.

But I kind of feel like a bad person, because I know at the time that she was having panic attacks and everything, my depression was just starting, and I wasn't hiding it, so I stole a lot of attention. But she said it was ok, since we were younger. I just really need to be less wrapped up in myself.

Here are some other things that came up in the conversation:

Mom: I don't think you should really discuss it with your other friends. None of them seem like they would understand.

I really agree with this. S had a better reaction than I thought she would, but my friends are not really as deep. I'm only really close to F4 and 5, and F4 is a little too... Immature, in a way, to really be emotionally connected. F5 does ok with the superficial friend problems, but I don't think he would understand the severity. He would just pass it off. So maybe one day, but not now.

Mom: So do you want to go to a therapist?

That's the million dollar question. Do I? I told her that I would like a diagnosis. And I don't even have to go regularly, I just want some peace of mind.

Mom: there's a natural, over the counter medicine that's safe. Would you like to try it?

Of course there was a lot more detail in this one, but basically, it's just a Sade alternative to prescription drugs that can be ordered from any store. Despite my paranoia with any type of drug not given specifically by a doctor, I agreed.

S: When I had a spot on my skin, I would get to the point where I wanted to cut it off because of how paranoid I was. I think I came closer to cutting than you did.

Me: I don't think so...

That's as far as that one went, fortunately.

So that was my huge breakthrough conversation. It lasted over an hour and a half. I finally said everything. And I got my hope back! Things could get better. There's still a chance. It's so much of a relief, I can't even describe it.

Also, I'm kind of ashamed to say it, but I was thinking about cutting myself tonight. I went as far as to find a craft knife left over from a project. It's in my drawer. But I'm not going to use it. I never thought I would have this moment, but I did: I was saved from cutting myself.

Another part of the talk that made me feel better: S told me I could talk to her anytime. She helped me with some of my negative social issues, and told me that she's willing to talk. I mean, I'm not expecting to suddenly start sharing all of my feelings all the time, especially since most of the time I don't want to talk, considering how hard it is to describe everything. I just really want to know that she's there for me, and I hope that now we'll be at least a little closer emotionally.

And now I have a massive headache from the emotions and the almost-crying and the exhaustion( it's now 1:30. The talk lasted till 12:30), so I'm going to sleep. Thank you all for reading! I forgot the dedication on my last one, but I'm going to go back and put one on. I'm not going to mention them specifically in the story, because I'm repeating myself a lot, but I'm genuinely grateful, and I'll keep putting the official dedications on each chapter. But I'm skipping this one, because it's special :)

I have another mini post that I wrote earlier today, but I dint want to distract from this, so I'll probably add that to a later post.

Thank you all for reading and commenting and voting and messaging and everything!

Goodbye!