My diary: an interactive project. Sort of.

8/13/11

Hi... I know it's been a very ling time since you've heard from me, but there is actually a valid reason! I started school on Monday. Then I came home and cried. Well, as much as I can. I still havent fully regained that ability. So it was more wallowing with a tear or two.

So! I am going to tell you all about my first week! It's vaguely interesting.

Monday! I was so nervous. But isn't everyone? We got on the bus and found out that there are two nice freshman girls, but other than that they're all annoying. Like, really annoying. Already one of my favorite ways to spend the bus ride is listening to Brand New Day from Dr. Horrible's sing along blog, or the Cell Block Tango from Chicago, and imagining punching them. Or at least telling them how annoying they are.

So we got to school, and I have a few semi friends in my first class, plus the teacher seems cool. But I'm a little scared of the class, because he said it was going to be very difficult. This is one of the hints that led to my meltdown that night, but anyway. I won't tell you my schedule, for previously discussed anonymity issues, but I have chemistry first. The following are in random order:

Spanish: this is One of my least favorite classes. The people are decent, and the teacher is better now that we are focussing on speaking over grammar, but I'm really bad at it. Ts my worst class, as far as grades. Well, it was last year. I'm just not good at memorizing the vocabulary.

English: This teacher is really good so far. She's nice, but still good at teaching, which is a good combination. The people in the class are good too. And I'm looking forward to the books we are going to read. The only problem is that one of my semi friends sits behind me, and she's so poetic. That's the only way to describe it. And I feel like she's gonna upstage me. But we'll have to wait and see. I won't let it get to me.

Psychology: This has the potential to be my favorite class. It's a standard class, so I don't have many friends, and the people are kind of douchey, but I can let all of that go, because 1. The teacher is awesome, and 2. It's an amazing subject. I could read the textbook from front to back if I had time. It's just such an amazing subject that it would take a lot to ruin it.

Creative writing: This is probably my least favorite, for a number a reasons: 1. The teacher is one of the most loved teachers by the students. She's always cheerful and fun. But she's a standard teacher, and she loves the standard kids. Plus I am not used to her teaching style, and I would prefer more structure.

2. The people. Mostly standard. But the student president is in that class, and she's like the teacher's beat friend, and everyone loves her. I find her incredibly annoying, because she's so formal around other people, and she seems like she's always trying to win a vote, like as soon as you're out of earshot she turns to her friend and say how much she hates you. And 3. I'm not creative. I mean, I'd be fine with writing short stories, but we have to do these weird lists and metaphors and everything. That being said, it's a very easy class, and only one semester. So I just have to get through it. I should get a perfect grade as long as I turn everything in, which I always do.

Algebra 2: I love this class. I have the same teacher I had for geometry, and she's one of my favorite teachers ever. I always learn so much from her, and she's really nice. Plus algebra is a good subject. I've always been good at math. I love solving the long equations. And the best feeling is spending half an hour on one problem, working it ten different ways, and finally finding the right answer.

And last but not least: Acting! We were lucky enough to get a lot of the people from last year in our class. It's a very comfortable class, and always fun. We get to start monologues next week, which will be

awesome. But it's a very diverse group. I'll get along with most of them, because I'm not letting anyone else get to me in that class, but they aret the type I would usually talk to: there are the cheerleaders, the sort of hipster guys, the popular-honors group that S kid of fits into, then my little group of misfits. S kind of broke away from me in that class, which I understand, but it still makes me sad. But we stall have math and science together.

But I have to do a project in acting, where I have to creatively "tell my story" and I have no clue how. As previously mentioned, I'm not creative at all. And S won't help, because she's off working on hers. She had a burst of inspiration. Any ideas? I was thinking of modeling it after the Perks of Being a Wallflower, and doing it in letter form. But I'm not sure whether to be silly or serious or deep or something else.

So the biggest worry I had was lunch. Somehow, a lot of the IB kids ended up with 2 lunches. (have I ever explained IB? it's an honors program that S and I and a lot of our friends are in. So when I say IB, it's the highest level, then is honors, then standard.) So I had lunch with a lot of my friends, then a second lunch with only a few people I knew. Then they changed everything around. Now, instead of our first lunch, S and I and a lot of our friends do this thing called AIM where we tutor freshmen. It's fun because it's ing us and our friends in that time. But then I'm left alone in my second lunch. I sit with one of the girls from my class, one of my friend's sister, but she's silent. So it's really awkward. There used to be another girl who sat we us who was the opposite of me, but she switched classes. She was very strange. She came from a private school, but was one of those who drank and partied and all that. She let me pry into her life, and it was interesting, considering how sheltered I am. I was looking forward to hearing her stories, but now I can't. Oh well. I'll make it work. I won't let it get to me.

So yeah. Monday night. I think it was a combination of exhaustion and nerves and stress. I came home and just broke down. I felt like all my classes were going to be too difficult and too much work. I don't want to disappoint myself, because I set high standards for myself. But I talked to my mom about it, and I eventually felt better. But it's left a residual feeling of "is it all worth it?" I'm starting to wonder why I shouldn't just drop the IB classes and go to standard. I mean, what's the point of it? None of it will ever make me happy. I haven't been really depressed as much recently, so that's good, but I'm still not too sure of my mood. It's still unstable. I don't know if I'm actually happy.

But I'm not going to think like that! I won't let myself! It will pass. These thoughts will leave. I just have to

push through. I'm not going to give into the depression. It won't beat me.

I do wonder though, why I have motivation for school when no one else does, and I have no motivation for anything else. Depressed kids often start failing school, but I cling to my grades.

I guess I still see a future, at least to the point of college.

Anyway, that's not a good way to end this. So I'm gonna change the subject back to my acting project. I think it's kind of funny that I can't find a way to describe my life to a bunch of my classmates, but I can pour my soul out to online strangers. Sometimes I get the weirdest urge to tell someone about this little project. But it's really not a good idea, because they would probably say I'm crazy, or self absorbed, and not even read it. So I ignore the urge.

I forgot to mention, I don't have classes with any of my friends, except F7. I see F4 and F6 around every once in a while, and I miss them. And F5 is coming over this weekend. But I still miss them all. I just hope I don't lose them all.

On that note, I will end this. I'm sorry I've been distant, but I can't honestly tell you that's going to change. When I reply to a comment it pulls me out of my role as both character and author. Don't get me wrong, I love getting them and reading them, I just don't feel authorized to respond. Like when I'm done writing for the day, I'm not Unknown, and the comments arent for me to respond to. But I'll try to answer any questions still, and I always read them, and if I see something I wish to address, I'll put it in the story. I hope that doesn't make anyone mad. I'm just more comfortable with that. I just feel like this story is a different, more personal side of me that I have trouble connecting with outside of the story itself.

I love you all. I really do. Thank you for reading, and for putting up with me, and for everything else you do for me. I always feel better after writing it out. It's such a blessing knowing that I can speak my mind without repercussions. It's a relief to let my thoughts out without being judged. Well, I probably am being judged, but no one has said anything mean yet, so I still feel free to express myself.

I can't believe how big this has grown, both through the reads and it's importance to my life. Thank you all for being a part of that :)

Goodbye, my friends. Have a wonderful weekend.