My diary: an interactive project. Sort of.

10/5/11

I'm so glad I have this place where I can say what I feel, and just relax. Because I really need it.

So for the first time in forever I don't have any written homework. The first grading period is almost over, and I can't believe it. It doesn't seem like it's been nearly that long.

Random subject change: the concept of time continues to screw with my mind. I walked by a tree at school yesterday that was losing it's leaves, and I put myself back in the moment past year when it was covered in snow, and forward to this year when it will Be covered in snow again. And I thought, if we can travel through time so easily in our minds, why can't we actually skip to a certain moment. Like how one moment I'm consciously aware that I'm on the bus in the way to school, and then I'm consciously aware that I'm in bed writing this. Like time doesn't move or pass, it's just dependent on what moment you see clearly. But can you choose which moment to see clearly? I know that tomorrow I will be fully conscious of sitting in my bed preparing to go to sleep. So what anchors me here and keep me from going to that moment?

I don't think that made any sense. I'll keep working on it. It is driving me crazy.

In other news, team starkid is going on a tour, and my city was in their list of possible tour venues, but they aren't coming here now. S and I were so excited all week, thinking we might finally have something to look forward to in this stupid town, but it didn't happen. Oh well. S started crying. I think it just hit really hard how mean it was of them to build our hopes like that. Plus it's never fun to be left out of a community when you want so badly to belong.

This might seem like a stretch, but it reminded me of a watered down version of how I felt this summer: I started out with so much hope about the doctor and getting better, and it all just fell through, leaving me worse off than I was before it happened.

S is trying to convince me to go to one of the other cities, but 1) even though our mom offered, we really can't afford it, 2) we would have to miss school, and 3) that is far too much anxiety for my social phobia to handle. I would probably throw up on the way there, just from the stress of being in an unfamiliar place.

But this has made me realize something: I want so badly to have fun while I'm still a kid, but nothing isfun to me. I really just want to sleep. Being concioua really just brings me down. I wish I could just zone out the world and never deal with it again. Even just watching tv leaves too much space in my brain.

And I'm really scared that I'm lying to myself when I say that I feel better. I want so badly to actually get better, that I'm tryig to convince mysel that I'm just stressed and tired. I don't know if it's working or not.

I honestly haven't been feeling very well lately, but I'm not ready to admit to myself that nothing has changed over the past year. I don't want to be the same scared, depressed girl I was when I started this, but I'm afraid that I am.

Then that leads me to the thought that I really need a therapist. But something about therapy just feels wrong to me. Like it would confirm my insanity. Or that the therapist would just look at me as another mental case, which would really hurt my confidence. Or that people would start walking on eggshells around me, which I don't want. I'm already excluded enough.

On a sort of related topic, I think I really am crazy. I've been getting the urge to cut myself again. But it's not fully because I haven't been feeling well; I've been mostly ok actually, as long as I keep distracting myself. But sometimes when I'm not distracted, I really want to make myself bleed. Just to see it an feel it and have that experience. I want to see the blood. And I know it sounds crazy, because it is. I don't know why I think that. But I won't do it because the guilt would be too heavy. It would just make me feel worse.

I've been typing up final drafts of my creative writing assignments, and I love how I can tell exactly what mood I was in and why when I wrote it. There was one I wrote when S's friend made me mad that was about annoying friends, and one about regret that I wrote when I was in one of those moods where I felt so left out. I find it comforting to know that I can read myself pretty well even in no one else can. I swear I've written some of the creepiest stuff, and The teacher hasn't even noticed. I don't think she's read much of it. Seriously, she haves us a prompt to write a story about laughter and I wrote about a women who was crazy and laughed before she shot herself. And the teacher didn't say anything. I feel invisible in that class.

Dis I tell you that the guy who used to sit with me at lunch is out of school sick? He's permantely "homebound" which everyone is assuming means he's sick. So now it's just F8 and I. And I feel a lot less open about what I say. Sometimes I feel like she judges me for what I do. Like when mentioned that I can't go up or down stairs without counting them in my head so I don't zone out and trip. Or when I told her that I don't understand why she doesn't do her homework. She just gives me this weird look and changes the subject. It's like anytime I try to let my friends see a piece of the real me that hides inside my mind they just reject it. So I feel weird about F8 right now.

In other news, as the grading period draws to a close, I'm mostly satisfied with my grades. My Spanish grade could be better, as well as my chemistry grade, but they are still As, and we have another test in chemistry coming up Friday, so we'll see. Also, our Spanish teacher seems to like us more this year, which is good.

Oh, and glee was on last night. They stuffed far too much plot into that episode. Santana is back but it's no big deal, Rachel couldn't win class president if she was the only one running, Mercedes is rightfully being a diva again, no one cares about mr shue, Mike can actually sing now, more dancing football players, and Klaine is as adorable as ever. And now there's another hiatus. Here's a new drinking game: for every recycled plotline in an episode of glee, take a shot. You will be drunk off your face in the first ten minutes. Or if you're trying not to get drunk, do a marathon, and only drink when there's a full episode in which Kurt is happy. I swear Ryan Murphy hates him.

Thank you all, including you new people! I've noticed that the number of reads is going up quickly, and just seeing that makes me feel so much better. Really, without you guys my head would explode. I'm so lucky I have this, even if no one reads, because it's so good for me. I'm glad I didn't give up.

Last note, has anyone else noticed how I never use the word "happy"? I don't do it consciously. I just instinctually keep from using that word, because it's such a serious word for me. Every once in a while it will slip out, but I usually avoid it. Just a trend I've noticed. (Now chemistry is seeping into my writing; we are studying trends on the periodic table.)

So I'm gonna go try to distract myself until it's time to go to sleep. I should get to sleep quickly though, because I managed to convince myself not to toe a nap yesterday.

(I just realized why I feel so bad about the starkid tour. It's because I feel so left out. I've never felt left out of that community because nerds are usually accepting, but now i feel like the announcements don't apply to me. It's like being back in 6th grade, when honor choir was the cool thing to do but we couldn't go because our mom had to work. Exclusion is a horrid thing.)

Thank you all for reading and putting up with me when people in real life won't.

Goodbye and goodnight.