My diary: an interactive project. Sort of.

11/11/10

11/11/10

So much to say...

First, I'm very glad I started writing when I did cuz I have a lot to talk about... Thank you all for reading.

I'm really not in a good mood today. School yesterday was depressing, to say the least. Between the crying teachers and students and the news cameras, things just didn't feel right. We didn't do much work, and that was weird too. But I think the thing that upset me most is that I was jealous of the friends she had that were crying about her death. There are 2 reasons: first, because I don't think there would be half as many people crying if I died. I wish that weren't true, but it is. I don't have that many friends, and i can count on 1 hand the number of friends who would be seriously depressed if I died. I think my funeral would be constituted almost completely of my sister's friends there to comfort her.

Second, I'm jealous because they had someone to cry about. Because they got attention and sympathy. Isn't that screwed up? That's how lonely I am. I want something bad to happen to me so people feel sorry for me. Does anyone else ever feel that way? Or do I need to be checked into a mental hospital?

I have a secret... You are the only ones who know this..... I envy the people who cut and starve themselves. And you can call me superficial or fake all you want, because I am. I want attention. I want someone to realize how upset and lonely I am. But I don't have the strength to put the blade on my wrist. I don't have the strength to skip meals. And I really don't have the strength to tell anyone. I'm a closet emotional. I don't tell anyone how I feel. If I started now, they would probably laugh or ignore me.

But please, don't listen to anything I say in these moods. After I get some sleep I will realize how dumb I sound and regret writing this, but it is important for me to get this out, so that even if I never find the guts to tell anyone, you all know.

There's another reason for my mood now though. First I have to explain my relationship with my sister. We are very close in age, and we have never been apart for over a day. But like I said, I don't talk about my feelings. So we are close in the way that we share most interests and most other aspects of life, but we aren't close emotionally.

A few days ago, she got asked out for the first time( shhh! It's a secret!). Now, as the (barely) older sister, you can imagine how I feel, having never been asked out. It really surprised me, but then it just kinda made me sad. I feel like everyone always chooses her over me. All of my friends prefer her, all the teachers, all of our classmates. She is just so much more.... socially mature. I have problems talking to people. And she doesn't. So of course, why would anyone ever wanna hang out with me.

Besides that, everyone says we look exactly alike. I've never seen it. I am just the pudgy nerd with braces and glasses that no one knows. She is the pretty, fun girl who is friends with everyone. She tries to get me to join her friends, but I can't. I'm just too awkward.

So along with the whole low self- confidence thing, knowing that everyone prefers my sister kinda gets me down.

I'm sorry; I'm rambling again. I don't know if I even made sense. But it's ok, I got it out of my system.

And it's not all bad. I still have this writing to keep me going through my days. To all of you readers, I really rely on you to help me make it. So don't feel obligated to comment or anything, but as long as you are able and willing, just keep reading. Just seeing the number of reads increase really lifts my spirits.

One last thing: I have given out a lot of personal feelings, and I know I have a couple friends on wattpad. I just wanna say, if you think you know who I am, please don't reveal me, or call me out. This is my only outlet for my feelings, and I don't wanna have to guard what I say. Please, please, please! Thank you all! I feel better already!

Oh and I have a question, for anyone who wants to answer: what is your vice? What do you do to get rid of your pent up emotion, or to relax?

Bye!