My diary: an interactive project. Sort of.

10/30/11

This is probably going to be really short, but there is a reason! But more on that later.

First, Halloween. I know some of you probably don't celebrate it, or celebrate different holidays, but it's a pretty big thing around here. Unfortunately not big enough to get us a day off school. Oh well. But the thing I wanted to say is that there was another thespian party in honor of Halloween, and we did not go. Mostly because our one friend didn't go. But at the meeting where they talked about it the teachers said they wanted us to go and it would be fun and all that jazz, which was nice of them to notice us, but it doesn't mean the students will behave any differently. Anyway.

Also, this is kind of a big thing: I had another discussion with my mom, this time with S involved. It seems like the progression of my mental health is revealed completely through a series of conversations. This one was different though. We were driving, and it was just after the thespian meeting, so I was in a bad mood. I don't know what brought it up, but I mentioned how much it upset me to not be able to go to the different parties without being anxious. ( I should also probably mention that though I suspect that our mom has social anxiety as well, she didn't know what it was until I told her a few days ago. So I'm working on getting her to understand.) She said that I never really told her when I felt bad, and I must admit that I have been keeping quiet about it, but that's just the paradoxical nature of this disorder: I want help for it, but it causes me to be afraid to ask for it. So I told her that I haven't been feeling very well and she said that she feels helpless because time and money won't allow for any more doctor visits. (I tried to explain to her that this was the exact reason that I never said anything to her despite her telling me to.) But she said she would work on it. I mentioned how a lot of times she doesn't follow through on things like that, and she promised she would. So we are now in the "up" stage of my mental health. Sit back and enjoy the ride while you wait for my next downfall.

Another part of the conversation that I should probably mention is that S and I have a lot more in common than I realized. When we were younger, maybe ten or eleven, she had really bad hypochondria, at the same time I was starting with the depression. As I pointed pout with the last conversation, there were a lot of parallels. The main differences were the symptoms and the fact that mine lasted longer and became more severe instead of starting out that severe. But now both of us have kind of gotten a grip on those problems; she's able to control hers, and I've come to terms with mine now that I understand it a little better. It's no linger constantly at the front if my mind. So now we are both realizing that there is another problem that has been hiding beneath the others: the social anxiety. And S agrees that mine is slightly worse than hers, and is probably in some ways either a cause or effect of the depression, but we both have it pretty severly as far as we can tell. So we sort of understand each other. Which is nice.

I don't know what I would do without her.

I forgot what else I wanted to say about that. Oh well.

I have a sort of announcement that may be important to the future of this project.

Being a complete idiot, I've decided to give myself even more work this coming month by signing up for NaNoWriMo. And it's already stressing me out.

For those of you who don't know, it stands for national novel writing month, and to participate you just sign up and try to accomplish a certain word count by the end of November. For adults the word count is 50,000, but people under 18 can set their own. My personal word goal is 15,000. I wanted to do 20,000 , but I would never get there with the amount of homework I have.

The reason it's stressing me out is the same reason everything else stresses me out. I feel like I don't belong. I'm not a writer, I'm not being forced to do it for class, I have no talent, I'm planning on majoring in science, why am I even trying? But I have an idea that I really want to write and I want to accomplish something to set me apart from others. Why not try? I just feel so dumb for trying. It helps that I got S to do it with me though. We've both discussed our ideas and hers is really cool and based on Greek mythology. Mine is based on a dream I had a while back about a future and immigrants and it sort of parallels the holocaust in ways. Back when I had the dream a few months ago I wrote it all down with the intention of someday writing it into a story, and S read it and said she really liked the idea, which made me feel better.

So I've been preparing for that. The problem is, for the next month I will have no free time at all. So I'll try to write something every weekend, but don't be surprised if I miss a few days. (Like anyone cares.)

I just wanted to let you all know.

Once again, thank you all for reading. I know I'm not a fantastic author, or even really an author at all, and my work is full of grammar mistakes and typos, but I love writing this. So thank you for reading.

Goodbye!