My diary: an interactive project. Sort of.

1/21/11. This one seems longer than usual...

Hi! Don't you just love snow? It's wonderful. It leads to 2 1/2- day weeks of school. I loved it because I was exhausted all week.

Anyhow, today was a very busy day. A lot happened that I think is important to tell you, as I think it will be imperative to future stories I might tell you.

( here I feel the need to explain why I say "you" because I'm trying to convince myself that I'm not crazy for writing this whole project. "you" is you. That is, anyone who happens to read this. I'm not writing specifically to a friend or the "diary". I'm just telling you a story. I feel better having cleared that up. Please disregard this; it's just me trying to figure myself out.)

So today I talked to my friend( I forgot what number I gave her. It was either two or four in the list I made like two posts ago. Anyway, it's the one we got in a huge fight with) and she was supposed to spend the night tonight. But, the best laid plans... I left to go to the store with our mom, and my sister talked to her through my phone, without telling her( let's call her F2 to avoid confusion) who it was. So F2 talks to her and ends up telling S(sister) that she lost respect for her. So S gets super mad and tells F2 that she never wanted her to come over( and F2 still thought it was me). So I get home and S tells me what she said and I tell F2 that it was actually S that she was talking too and F2 gets even madder. So I convince F2 to talk balmy to S but she refuses. So everyone is just angry.

So F2 decides not to come over, but my guy friend F5 comes over for a while. And of course he makes everything better. He's kind of a mediator, but unintentionally so.

So about F5 : he is one of my best friends, and I hope he knows it. If I ever decide to tell everyone that I wrote this( which, sidenote, I do plan on, but in my dreams it becomes this huge thing on the news and it's a big mystery then I finally reveal my identity, but that's just a very, very unlikely dream) I would really like him to read it. If I were more comfortable sharing my emotions I would tell him that when he calls it makes me feel better, even if I have a bad day. He's just a fun person. He's a big part of the reason why my depression isn't near as bad now as it used to be and could be. Of course, there are other people and factors, but more on that later.

So F5 comes over and we laugh and have fun, and I'm always surprised by how awkward it is at first, but he always stays till like 9 at night, and by that time all awkwardness fades. Just a thought. But that wasn't the big emotional part of the day.

When I was fighting with F2, I realized that we will probably never be close again, and that we really have nothing in common anymore. I miss her, but I miss the idea of her more than I miss her as a person. But I kind of need to move on. This fighting is bad for my mental health, and I have other people. F3( the one who always drifts toward S) was really supportive when I told her about the fight, and F4 ( the one who spent the night when I wrote about my friends like a week ago) I think would always be there for me. Sorry if I'm confusing you with all the Fs. I'm starting to confuse myself :).

Oh! While I remember, I have a nice story about F4 and F5. So, they didn't really like each other at first( mostly due to F5's aversion to band kids, and F4's being a band kid) . But then one day at lunch, one of my sort of friends ( he's my friend, but only at school, so you probably won't hear about him enough to give him a name. It's too many confusing letters and numbers already) made me mad and said that I complain about PDA too much, so I decided to stop talking. F4 was concerned that she had done something wrong, and she actually cared and tried to get me to talk.( the sort of friend, however, did nothing. Typical.) when I told F5 about this, he said that he likes her more, because she is a good friend, and no one noticed when he went silent for a week( which I would have, if I went to school with him.)

So, besides feeling sorry for F5, I felt kinda bad about how much I take my friends for granted, especially F4. So I texted her and told her thanks for being a good friend. I hope she realizes that I really am glad I have her.

Also, I've been taking F3 for granted. I recently thought about last year and how I was upset so often, and how I cried myself to sleep a lot. I remembered something that I hadn't thought about in a while: back then, when I would get upset, I would sometimes text F3 and tell her that I was upset. And everytime, instead of getting mad or ignoring me, she would talk me through it. I would tell her what upset me, which was usually just an irrational loneliness or hatred of myself, and she would always tell me that everything was ok, and make me feel better. And now, her family Is going through some problems, and I feel lime I haven't been there for her. So I'm gonna try to open back up to her.

Also, I feel like I must say something about S, cuz I feel like I'm leaving her out. I don't know what I would do without her. We have always been together, and if something happened to her, I would be totally lost. So if she ever reads this, I hope she knows that she means so much to me.

Also, while I'm on this note, I hope that anyone who I know that I let read this( assuming my dream doesn't come true ;)) will appreciate how emotional I'm being. I haven't told any of my friends this in person, and letting them read this would be like letting them read my mind. It would be a huge deal. So if anyone I know is reading this in the future, please don't take it lightly. Know that I mean everything I say, and if you read this, it means that you are very important to me, and I want to share my feelings, and I want some response for all my hard work :)

And to everyone reading this who I don't know, you are amazing. I don't know what I'd do without you, because, while I may one day be able to share this with my friends and family, I can't right now. But sharing it with you, all of you, has allowed me to at least say it. And that is something I could never do before, at least not without feeling awkward and dumb. So thank you all for being there too.

Gosh, I'm being emotional tonight. I guess that's a good thing. I need to get it all out. And I hope it makes for an interesting story, or at least a good view of a teenage mind.

So, I'm sorry for all of the confusing names! And all of the parentheses. I used a lot of those this time. Just to clarify for myself:

F1(S) is sister

F2 is probably not going to be heard of much more, due to the fight

F3 is the good friend that will hopefully come back from S

F4 is the new good friend, who I need to be more open with

F5 is the guy friend, who is awesome and always makes me feel better.

Ok, I need to memorize that for future reference.

I might end up changing that, but for mow that's how I'm leaving it.

Thank you all, everyone who reads this as a story and everyone who might read this because I reveal my secret diary,and anyone who reads for any other reason.

Goodnight, and goodbye.