My diary: an interactive project. Sort of.

1/17/11 part 2

Sorry bout having to stop in the middle. To continue:

When my friend was here, I asked her if she would tell me if she got asked out or something. She said maybe. I don't know why, but this really hurt me. It might have something to do with my sister, since I was the last one she told.

But it's also because I wish I could be closer to my friends. I have had basically 5 close friends, counting my sister. But I can't really talk to any of them. My sister and I have always been close, but not on a deep emotional level, more of a share interests, have someone to keep you company level.

My second friend has really grown away from me.since she is still in middle school and I'm so busy with homework, we rarely see each other. And when she does come over, I feel her turning more toward my sister, which makes me cry everytime I think about it. I miss her.

My third friend got in a fight with us over this other girl that had anger problems and betrayal problems and a bunch of other personality problems( although for a while she was my close friend). So I don't talk to her much, although I want to. Her fight was more with my sister, who isn't quite ready to forgive and forget. I miss her too.

My fourth friend is the one that was over today. And sometimes I'm really close to her. When we are in gym class walking around the gym talking, we talk about a lot of stuff, and I feel a little more open. But I think she feels more emotionally open with my sister. She's more silly and fun with me, and more connected to my sister. That makes me cry too.

My final friend is the only guy I've ever really been close to, and the only person I will talk to on the phone. We talk for hours, since he goes to a different school. And with all that talking, it gets kinda deep sometimes. We talk about the future, and about people, and I think if I did wanna talk about how I'm sad and why I'm always upset, he would be the one to understand. But still, I feel awkward talking about it. I'm afraid he'll stop calling, or lose some respect for me.

I really just need one of my friends to be there for me. But I don't feel like I can tell them that. I'm afraid they'll just dismiss it, or that it will drive them away instead of making us closer. I've just never been really emotional with my friends, and now I'm afraid to.

Is there any way to open up, and to get them to do the same, without it being awkward?

I've realized something as I've written this: I may not be able to talk to my friends, but I can talk to you. I know that a few people are reading, so I actually do have people to talk to. Can I call you guys my friends? Would you guys mind if I considered you all my friends? Because I could always use a friend that will listen and help, and you readers seem to be pretty good at it. And I'm more than willing to help you, if I can. You just need to ask.

Sorry if that was creepy. I don't mean it that way :). See, I already feel better. Thank you all for listening.

While I'm thinking about it, you wanna know what else I've noticed? I hate people my own age. (teenagers, don't be offended. It's a generalization. I hate most people my age. But if you are reading this, you are probably not one of the ones I would hate.) but seriously, teenagers can be really annoying. If I had to spend time outside of school with people from school, my brain would explode. They irritate me so much!

The reason I bring this up is that friend #3 keeps trying to convince us to go to a summer camp with her church. But I just do not want to spend more time with people my age. And I know that church kids shouldn't be as bad, burnish of them are.( at least, when they are together in a group, they are). First, a lot of the Christian kids are not, in fact, Christian kids. Some of them are kids that go to church to socialize then go do whatever they want. Second, chuch groups are just as exclusive as cliques. It's very difficult to join one after it is formed.

What am I going to do? Life sucks. But I guess it could be much worse.

Thank you all, (my friends?), for listening.

Have a good Tuesday.

Goodbye